


Reframing the Question

by MalachiTamim



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-18
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-05-07 08:19:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 53,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5449763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalachiTamim/pseuds/MalachiTamim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Korra and Asami were assigned to be roommates for their freshman year of college, and Korra doesn't know what to make of her. On the one hand, Asami is nice and brilliant, but on the other, she's really weird. Asami almost never talks, hates loud noises, prefers the dark, and pretty much never sleeps. Korra has to try to make sense of her roommate's behaviors as they navigate their first year at school. </p>
<p>Trigger warning: Effects of child abuse</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Questions

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

Korra was excited to start her freshman year of college. She’d spent the summer living with her parents’ friend’s son’s family (it was complicated to explain, but she’d known them since she was born) because she wanted to get acclimated to living in the continental US after spending her whole life in Alaska. Moving to a small town in upstate New York was a bit of a culture shock—there was literally no one that looked like her—but spending time with familiar people helped. Still, she was an only child and moving in with four rowdy children had started to grate on her nerves. 

Tenzin was a professor at the small private school of less than 2,000 students that she had decided to attend. They had given her a full academic scholarship, which she knew was a result of four years of hard work in high school and maybe a little because she would be a star on their track team. They couldn’t technically give out athletic scholarships, but they could finagle to get her more of an academic scholarship. They had a pretty decent track program for a division three school. One weird thing was that the school was almost completely white. “Alaskan Native” wasn’t even an option on the application she had completed. She’d had to check “Other” and fill in her ethnicity. Still, she had gotten a good vibe when she’d visited back in November. In short, she had no regrets about her decision apart from being so far away from her parents.

Korra was also excited about her roommate. She’d been assigned to live with an Asami Sato. The two of them had been texting ever since they’d gotten each other’s contact info from the school. Like Korra, Asami wanted to major in business, though she was also going to major in computer engineering, which was pretty impressive. Even more impressive was the fact that she seemed to be good at everything. She’d been a star athlete on her cross-country, basketball, and track teams, though she was deciding not to participate in college. She was also obviously a top notch student because she’d been given a full ride as well; though it had taken some googling because Asami wasn’t particularly forthcoming about herself, she also found out that her new roommate had won some sort of national science fair competition the year before by designing something to do with computers (Korra didn’t understand what the article was talking about). Plus she had been in band, was involved in her community teaching the homeless how to use computers, and worked on electronics in her spare time (Korra wasn’t sure how Asami ever had spare time). Overall, she seemed pretty nice. 

Korra was basing that opinion mainly on the fact that she’d put her foot in her mouth and asked about what Asami’s parents did only to have the girl kindly inform her that it was just her dad; her mom had died in a car accident when Asami was little. It turned out her dad used to be an inventor. He had invented some sort of affordable electric car that got good mileage, but after her mom died, it was too painful to be around cars. He had decided to become a high school science teacher instead. Still, considering Korra had heard of the car in question, she was guessing Asami was rich as well as nice.

Together they coordinated to make sure they would have a functioning dorm room. Asami lived close too, so they split the list in half since neither would have to worry about transporting anything very far. Asami had a TV and a microwave. Korra consulted with Tenzin who dug up an old mini fridge that was barely functioning, and she liberated her old PS3 from his fiendish children who had stolen it from her when she’d arrived. In the spirit of honesty, Korra told Asami she wasn’t sure the fridge was going to work out, but her new roommate promised to bring her tools; she was confident she could fix whatever was wrong with it (she was guessing a loose wire).

Korra moved in a day before orientation because she had track practice early that morning followed by orientation activities. As such, she wasn’t there when Asami arrived. That wasn’t too big of a deal; she figured she would see a lot of her throughout the next year. However, she was excited to meet her, so after her orientation stuff was done for the day, she rushed back to her dorm to see if Asami wanted to get dinner together. 

When she arrived, she burst in, expecting to tackle Asami in a “Hi, I know we don’t know each other, but I really want you to like me and I promise to be a good roommate” hug, but alas, she wasn’t there. Presumably she wasn’t done with orientation for the day because her stuff definitely was there. Korra took the time to subtly snoop to see what she could find out. For starters, Asami’s TV was nice! Korra supposed that wasn’t all that surprising, but it was still pretty great to walk into her room and see it there. For another, her laptop looked odd, but Korra was betting it was custom built and probably the best running machine on campus. More aesthetically, Korra noted that Asami had lofted her bed and all of her stuff was some shade of red. Between that, her own preference for blue, and the white tile floor in between, she thought it was very patriotic…or, you know, very French. 

Asami’s side of the room was sophisticated, while Korra’s was more of a hodgepodge of belongings she’d either been given by Tenzin and his wife Pema or picked up at a thriftstore. Asami had coordinated everything, but not in the college sections of department stores way. It was more adult. So was her closet. All of her clothes (also mostly red and black) were at the height of fashion: skinny jeans, leather jackets, tall boots, heels, cardigans, and blouses. And scarves. SO MANY SCARVES. Korra was jealous of how well Asami was probably to layer, but wouldn’t be fond of wearing any of those clothes. When she wasn’t dressed for track, she preferred a 90s grunge look: beat up jeans and plain t-shirts with a flannel shirt thrown over top. If it was cold out, and that meant cold enough to snow, she’d sometimes top her layered bob cut with a beanie. Korra did, however, spring for decent kicks so she could get around on her skateboard. 

Before Korra could look through the large stack of what looked to be fantasy novels mixed with computer programming books, Asami appeared in the doorway, looking exhausted. Korra could empathize. Orientation was tiring, especially for an introvert (which Asami had informed her she was). 

Since she’d had time to settle down after spending the day with her orientation group, Korra didn’t quite tackle Asami with the force she had been intending, but she did engulf her in a big hug. “Hey!” she said.

It took a few seconds for Asami to respond, presumably because she was surprised, but she kind of managed to pat Korra awkwardly on the back before slipping out of her arms. Korra noted that hugs were probably off limits to them in the future. “Hi. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“You’re taller than I expected,” Korra responded like an idiot. The thing was, Asami was kind of really beautiful, even when she was obviously tired, and Korra was confident enough in her sexuality to know she was bisexual but not enough to be comfortable around pretty girls. Asami had long, thick black hair that was kind of wavy, but not in a frizzy way and gorgeous green eyes. 

“Thanks?” Asami laughed uncomfortably like she wasn’t sure what to make of that comment. Korra understood. She didn’t know what to make of it either.

Korra laughed too. “Sorry. I promise I’m not always this weird. Actually, I probably am, but you’ll get used to it. Listen, I’m starving. Do you want to go get dinner?”

Asami started putting her stuff away. Korra noted that she hung her backpack in her closet and placed her orientation materials in a file folder and tucked it neatly in her desk. “This is really lame, but I actually have to go back home to get an award.”

“Really? For what?” Korra didn’t know anyone who had ever gotten an award that wasn’t a sports trophy.

“Uh…community service.” Asami said vaguely as she reached into her closet and exchanged her leather jacket for a tweed one. It looked great over her skinny jeans.

Korra wasn’t going to let it go at that. That would be being a bad roommate (or at least a bad Korra). “Come on, can’t you be a little more specific,” she wheedled. 

Asami raised a brow at her like she couldn’t believe Korra’s audacity in asking her something she obviously didn’t want to discuss. But she relented and smiled. “Fine. I rebuilt all of my school’s computers this summer.”

“Wow!” Korra said. “That’s so awesome! You’re such a great person!”

Asami’s smile faded and she zipped up her purse, ignoring the compliment. “Anyway, I have to go, but I’ll be back later tonight. We can talk more then?”

“Sure!”

That night they established a few rules, talked about their routines, and snacked on cookies Korra had liberated from the caf. Korra had hooked up her PS3 to Asami’s TV and she turned it on. 

“You have Netflix?” Asami gasped.

Korra was busy setting up the Netflix account and didn’t register Asami’s surprise. “Yes.”

“Can we watch ‘The Office’?” Asami begged. At this, Korra looked at her. She’d never seen somebody look so hopeful about something so small. “I used to watch reruns after school before my dad got home, but I’ve never seen the series the whole way through.”

“Didn’t you watch it when it was still on NBC?” Korra asked.

“No, I wasn’t allowed,” Asami told her, which Korra found odd, but whatever. Some parents were really fussy about what their kids watched. 

Korra had already watched “The Office” in its entirety a few times, but she didn’t have the heart to tell that to Asami who was trying not to show how much she wanted to watch it. Plus, it was a great show, so she didn’t mind. “Sure. We can watch it together and you can watch it whenever I’m not here.”

“Thanks.” Asami and Korra settled onto their respective beds and watched a few episodes together. It was a pretty great evening. 

Even better, after Korra was lying on her bed, starting to doze, Asami went on a fixing spree. She found a wire that had been partially chewed through by some sort of rodent during the fridge’s unfortunate stay in Tenzin’s garage, and replaced it with her soldering iron. When Korra complained about the showers spraying water from the piping, limiting the amount coming through the showerhead, Asami was on it. She admitted that she didn’t know anything about plumbing, but that she did know how to tighten things. A few cranks of her wrench and the problem was solved. 

It was an auspicious beginning to their tenure as roommates and a good start toward a friendship. But then things started to get kind of weird. 

 

…

For one thing, Asami liked quiet. She never listened to music, which Korra couldn’t understand. Without some sort of auditory stimulation, she couldn’t get anything done. Korra had asked if Asami minded if she played music through the speaker on her computer sometimes because wearing headphones for long periods of time gave her a headache and Asami promised it was okay. However, Korra could feel her flinch from across the room every time she did and could sense the way she relaxed when she turned it off. It wasn’t just music. Whenever people in their hall shouted or dropped something, she would jump and whirl around, searching for the source of danger. When Korra raised an eyebrow at her, Asami had just laughed and said she had an exaggerated startle reflex. Korra didn’t really know what to make of that, so she had just let it go.

At first Korra chalked up Asami’s oddness to her obviously superior intelligence. Though she had known Asami was obviously super-smart, she hadn’t quite bargained for the sheer brilliance of her roommate. Asami could easily have gone to MIT or some other equally exclusive school, but when Korra asked why she had chosen their tiny school, Asami had just shrugged and muttered something about her dad wanting her to stay nearby. 

Most people didn’t know Asami was a genius. She almost never talked unless someone asked her a direct question. Even then, if she could get away with a gesture, she would. In the Intro to Business class they had together, she sat in the back corner, the closest seat to the door, and never spoke to anyone. She never raised her hand to answer questions unless no one else knew the answer. It was as if the second she saw Tenzin floundering when no one was participating, she felt the need to lessen his discomfort. In such instances she would cite a page number and quote the relevant passage of the book, despite the fact that Korra knew she’d left her book in their dorm. Then, when Tenzin pressed her to explain and not just regurgitate information, Asami would provide such an alarmingly succinct and simple explanation that Korra was certain her roommate could teach this class to kindergarteners and have them start businesses that would turn a profit within a year. 

So, Korra thought maybe Asami was stuck up and thought she was better than everyone. She didn’t seem to have any friends of her own and she certainly didn’t give any of Korra’s friends the time of day when they were in their dorm. Korra asked and Asami swore she didn’t mind, but when Opal and Bolin were there, Asami sat silently on her bed and read. It was even worse when Korra’s boyfriend Mako came over. At first Asami gave him the same treatment as Opal and Bolin, but then she started leaving the second Mako showed up. She would grab a book and disappear, but Korra knew she must be nearby because she came back as soon as he left. Initially Korra figured Asami was giving them their privacy, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized Asami started leaving around the time Mako and Korra started fighting all the time. When Korra told Asami they’d broken up, she’d expressed her condolences, but Korra was almost certain she had heard her sigh in relief. Asami even refused to eat in the caf unless it was almost empty. That meant she ate an insanely early breakfast, a late lunch, and a late dinner. Unless Korra joined her, Asami would eat by herself. 

After her breakup with Mako, Korra started spending more time in their room with Asami and found that she wasn’t stuck up. She seemed to become more comfortable around Korra and started to relax. It turned out that Asami had a dry sense of humor and a cutting wit. The first time Korra found herself on the receiving end of it, she thought Asami had meant it maliciously until she saw the beginnings of a real smile touch the corners of her mouth. Asami laughed a lot, but it was rare that she did it out of genuine mirth. Instead it seemed like she laughed because she knew she was supposed to. This was the first time that Korra was certain Asami was actually amused. From then on, Korra made it her mission to make her laugh and smile for real. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. Either way, Korra was now positive that Asami wasn’t stuck up. If anything, she was self-effacing.

One time Korra had asked why Asami always did her make-up so impeccably every morning. It was a question that stemmed from pure curiosity because like all of her routines, she went through it religiously, never altering the order. Asami turned red and stammered something about not trying to make herself pretty because she knew she never would be. Korra gaped at her, not sure what had prompted that response, but she informed Asami that she was very pretty. Asami had looked at her sadly, like she knew Korra was just saying that to make her feel better. Korra, constantly off balance with this girl, had just let it go.

Asami also had habits that were…peculiar. She never turned on the lights. Sometimes Korra would get back from track practice after dark and flip the light switch only to have the crap scared out of her when she saw Asami sitting on her bed in the dark. It might have scared Asami too because she would flinch so hard that she would almost fall. Occasionally she would be doing something on her computer, but sometimes she was just sitting there. She certainly wasn’t sleeping because Asami also had an aversion to sleep.

At least once per night Korra would wake briefly when Asami got up around 3 am and left the room, only to return a few minutes later. Korra guessed she was going to the bathroom, but it seemed odd that it was a nightly routine. Even stranger, and more concerning, was the fact that Asami never went to sleep before Korra. No matter how late Korra was awake, Asami stayed up with her. Even when her head began to droop, she would protest and say she wasn’t tired. Once Korra had to pull an all-nighter because she had procrastinated on a paper, and Asami never went to sleep. The next morning, she put on clean clothes and went about her day like she had gotten a full night’s rest. It was like she didn’t need sleep. Between that and her dislike of light, Korra was becoming more and more certain that her roommate was a vampire. 

What really put her over the edge, though, was one day when she came back early from class and found Asami hiding under her own bed. Granted, it was lofted a few feet so there was enough room, but it was still frightening. The creepiest part was that when Asami crawled out ten minutes after Korra returned, she hadn’t been able to explain why she was under there in the first place. 

All in all, it was a strange situation. Sometimes Asami was this great girl whom Korra wanted to be friends with, but other times she was standoffish and doing super bizarre things. It was after the bed incident that Korra brought it up with her friends.

 

…

“What is wrong with her?” Korra demanded as she slammed her dinner tray down.

Opal and Bolin looked at each other from their side of the table. They had started dating a few weeks into the school year after the three of them had become fast friends. Sometimes Bolin’s brother and Korra’s ex-boyfriend Mako would join them, but he was a couple of years older and liked to do his own thing. “Who?” Opal asked tentatively. 

“Asami!” Korra glared at the green bean she had speared with her fork and bit into it angrily. It had been two months of weird behavior and she was getting really freaked out.

“I thought you guys got along,” Bolin said. He scratched the top of his buzzed hair with a giant hand. Bolin was a wrestler and was certainly built like it. 

“We do,” Korra admitted. “I mean, sometimes we do, but sometimes it’s weird.” She took a bite of pot roast and sighed. “I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

Opal grabbed Korra’s fork from her to make her stop talking with her mouth full. “Okay, we need more information. What’s happening?”

So Korra told them about everything. She talked about how Asami didn’t have friends and never talked. She mentioned how Asami sometimes said really sad things without any emotion. And she told them about all of the weird things she did. 

When Korra finished talking, she swiped her fork back from Opal and finished her dinner. Bolin and Opal had laughed throughout the telling, but now that they were supposed to contribute, they were silent. “So?” Korra prompted. “What do you think is wrong with her?”

“Does she ever talk about her family?” Opal asked.

Korra stuffed her brownie in her mouth before Opal could take it from her, which turned out to be a mistake because it made talking difficult. She nearly choked as she tried to swallow, but managed to get it down. “Sometimes,” Korra answered, trying to get brownie out of her teeth with her tongue. “Asami’s mom died when she was little and her dad raised her. It’s weird, though. She only ever talks about her mom. She talks to her dad once a week, but afterward she gets really quiet, so I don’t know what they talk about.”

Bolin, the psychology major, sighed. “I think you’re asking the wrong question,” he said softly, his words barely audible over the din in the caf. 

“What do you mean?”

“You know how Mako and I grew up in foster care?” Korra nodded. “Okay, well, we stayed with this one family for about a year. The parents kind of just ignored me and Mako, but they paid a lot of attention to their own kids. Not the good kind. They did a lot of the same things you say Asami does. They had to hide a lot at home, hoping their parents would forget about them, so when we were in school they were really quiet because they were used to trying to be invisible. The older one also spent a lot of time trying to keep their parents from getting upset.”

Opal was staring at Bolin like she wanted to hug him, but Korra wasn’t feeling compassionate right now. “So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I think you’re asking the wrong question. It’s not ‘What’s wrong with her?’ It’s ‘What happened to her?’” 

“Fuck.” Korra felt like Bolin had just doused her with ice water. She thought back to all of the times she took spiteful pleasure in seeing Asami jump every time she turned the lights on unexpectedly. Korra had gotten it in her head that Asami was maybe not intentionally making her life harder, but that she certainly wasn’t trying to be a normal roommate. Bolin’s words had given her a new perspective. Maybe Asami wasn’t a weirdo who liked making Korra uncomfortable, but a person who, because of whatever happened to her, was trying desperately to be normal and couldn’t because she was terrified. Korra resolved to try to be better. The only thing was she didn’t know how. “So what do I do?”

Bolin shrugged. “Figure out how to make her feel comfortable and go from there? I don’t know. You know her better than I do.”

Korra stood up to turn in her dirty dishes. “I can totally do that!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought because I'm not super sure of this fic. This is kind of just a chapter to test the waters, so don't expect regular updates just yet. 
> 
> Oh, also, Korra/Asami will probably be end game, but it's not the main focus of this story.


	2. Trying Harder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Korra makes more of an effort with Asami, she finds that her roommate begins to open up more and more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

Over the next few days Korra made more of an effort with Asami. When she entered their room, Korra now warned Asami before she flipped on the lights. It didn’t quite seem to be enough because Asami still jumped every time she opened the door. Knocking on her own door seemed too weird a solution, so Korra got creative. She started stomping up the stairs and allowing the stairwell door to slam. Then she realized that that was probably counterintuitive. Asami hated loud noises, so Korra was slamming doors to avoid startling her? Yeah. Stupid. So, Korra did the only other thing she could think of. Every time she approached their building, she started singing, and kept singing until she reached their door. Their room was on the second floor on the end of the dorm, so she was pretty sure Asami could hear her coming. She felt completely ridiculous at first, but soon it was just a normal part of her routine. And the weird looks she got? Totally worth it because Asami stopped flinching every time Korra entered the room. 

Korra also started going to bed earlier. It meant getting all of her work done during the day, which kind of put a damper on her usual style of leaving everything to the last minute, but she sucked it up for the good of her roommate. Surely Asami was exhausted even if she seemed to be functioning okay; without sleep she was bound to suffer ill effects. Korra was in bed by 11 every night, and sure enough, so was Asami. As an added bonus, Korra went from an A- to an A average in all of her classes. 

Those were just quick fixes, though. Korra put a great deal of thought into how to get Asami to interact with more people than just her. They spent a lot of time together, and while Asami sometimes fell silent, more often she came alive when she was with Korra. Korra got to see more displays of her sense of humor. However, as soon as anyone else was around, Asami shut down. It took her a week to think of a solution, but she finally decided on a plan. She would start by bringing one friend over and wait until Asami got comfortable around them. Opal was the first person Korra was determined to get Asami to befriend.

“Hey!” Korra greeted Opal at their door as she let her in. Korra and Asami had been hanging out and talking, but when Opal entered their room, Asami picked up a book and sank back inside herself. It was like she wasn’t even present; she even seemed to take up less physical space on her bed.

“Hey, Korra. Hey, Asami,” Opal said, friendly as always. She was an engineering major too, so she had some classes with Asami. 

“Hi,” Asami said softly, looking up from her book just long enough to smile at Opal. 

Opal looked at Korra unsurely. She hadn’t been completely on board with this plan; after all, she already had friends. It was Asami who didn’t and it seemed like she didn’t want any. Korra stepped in. “Hey, Asami. We’re going to watch ‘The Office.’ Opal’s never seen it before and I think we need to fix that.”

At that, Asami set her book aside and glanced at Korra in confusion. Korra had never forced Asami to hang out with her and her friends. “Force” was perhaps too strong of a word, but Korra had phrased her idea in a way that made it seem that Asami was integral to her plans. “I—okay?” Asami said uncertainly.

The three of them settled in to watch. Korra was going to start at the beginning, but Asami stopped her. “No, no. The first season is rough until you start to appreciate Michael Scott. Let’s start with ‘The Injury’ and then go to ‘Grief Counseling.’”

Korra grinned at Asami. The suggestion was great, but what was even better was that Asami was talking in front of Opal. Not only was she talking, she was offering an opinion. “Nice! Okay, let’s do this.”

Opal asked lots of questions as they watched, most of which Korra fielded. Occasionally Asami would chime in whenever Korra answered incorrectly. Soon, though, Asami was telling Opal all sorts of behind the scenes information like the favorite episodes of John and Jenna or how the kiss between Michael and Oscar wasn’t scripted, so the reactions of the actors are genuine. During one of Asami’s monologues, Opal turned to Korra and smiled. Korra grinned back, knowingly. Asami might be weird sometimes, but once she started talking, you couldn’t help but love her.

Before Opal went back to her dorm for the night, she made Asami promise to eat lunch with her after their engineering class the following day. Asami agreed with a nod and a shy smile. Korra wanted to dance, but she settled for high-fiving Asami once Opal had left. “What?” Asami asked. She’d raised raised her hand to accept the high-five, albeit reluctantly.

“You just made a friend!” Korra told her. Now she did jump. Asami gave her the vacant stare that Korra liked to think of as her “does not compute” face. Asami pulled it out when Korra said something foreign to her. “Okay,” Korra said. “Let me break this down for you. Opal likes you. You talked to her, so I think you like her. You’re getting lunch tomorrow. You’re friends!”

“She was just being nice,” Asami protested. 

Korra rolled her eyes at her roommate who was brilliant, but whose insistence on assuming the worst of herself and others meant she was hopeless at interpreting social situations. Well, that wasn’t quite right. Asami was great at dissolving tense or uncomfortable situations, but anything else went right over her head. “I know Opal better than you do. She doesn’t do pity friendships.”

“Hmm…” Asami looked at her thoughtfully, but didn’t say anything for the rest of the evening. Korra knew she wasn’t angry, but trying to process what Korra had told her. 

 

…

Another thing Korra really liked about Asami was that she was always up for anything. Korra had a tendency to get bored easily and come up with elaborate ideas for what she wanted to do. Most of the times she said them aloud, people just laughed at her. Asami, on the other hand, went quiet, cocked her head, and sucked on her bottom lip, before coming up with a plan to make Korra’s ideas work. Sometimes they were as absurd as Korra’s ideas, but she didn’t doubt that even the most fantastic of them were within Asami’s reach. A lot of them would take time and cost a lot of money, so they almost never got to enact them. Still, it was fun to talk about.

However, one night Korra decided she wanted to climb a tree. It was something she’d never gotten to do in Alaska, and she’d always wanted to try it. “Then let’s do it,” Asami said.

“What? We’ll find a sapling and you’ll engineer a device that stimulates growth?” Korra asked sarcastically.

Asami raised an eyebrow at her. “I guess that’s one way to do it, but I was thinking we could climb one of the trees on campus.”

“Wait, you’re being serious?” Korra had thought Asami was just humoring her. Asami bit back a grin and nodded like she hardly believed it herself. “Awesome! Let’s order a pizza and take it with us.”

The smile on Asami’s face froze. “Oh,” she said softly. “I—um—I can’t afford it.”

There it was, one of those sad comments Asami had a tendency to make. It was sad and also confusing because Korra knew Asami’s family had money. But she supposed it didn’t matter. “Okay. Then let’s go grab burgers at The Spot and take those with us.” The Spot was an on campus store and restaurant. They could use dining dollars there.

“Perfect!” Asami exclaimed and started to bundle up. Korra watched with amusement. It was about forty-five degrees outside, hardly cold enough for a down jacket and a hat. “Shut up. I get cold easily.”

Korra held her hands out in a gesture of innocence. “I didn’t say anything.”

“No, but you were thinking it.”

“Fine, fine.”

Together they set off to grab dinner and then seek out a tree. Korra didn’t even know where to start looking to find a climbable tree, but Asami led them straight to the back part of campus where the school nestled into the forest. On the edge of the woods, there was the perfect climbing tree—the branches weren’t too low to the ground, nor were they too high. 

Korra hoisted herself into the tree first and Asami threw her their food bag before pulling herself up as well. Korra noticed Asami wince and rub her right forearm. It was something Asami did a lot, especially when she was nervous or uncomfortable. Korra had thought it was just a nervous habit, but it seemed that it was more. Since Asami hadn’t mentioned it, Korra had to think of a way to breach the subject.

Together they sat in the tree and ate burgers and fries, and enjoyed the forest setting. Alaska was beautiful, but New York was lovely too. “Thanks for doing this,” Korra said, smiling up at Asami who was perched in the branch above her.

“Anytime. How do you like your first tree climbing experience?” 

“It’s great. I love being outside. I’ve gotta say, though, tree branches are lumpier than I expected,” Korra admitted. Asami let out a booming laugh, which made Korra chuckle as well. Asami had never laughed so loudly before. Many people were quiet, but Asami was silent. Hell, she even sneezed silently. Korra figured Asami must be feeling comfortable, so she decided to ask Asami about her arm. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

Korra hesitated, but then forged ahead. “What’s up with your arm?”

“My arm?”

“Yeah. Your right arm. You rub it all the time and when you climbed up here it looked like it hurt.”

Asami was silent for a long time, long enough that Korra was almost certain she wasn’t going to answer. She’d opened her mouth to change the subject when Asami said, “I broke it a few years ago and it didn’t heal right.”

“Oh? How’d you hurt it?” There was nothing Korra liked more than a good injury story.

Asami sighed. “It’s not that exciting. My dad told me not to climb trees because he was afraid I would get hurt. I didn’t listen and when I fell out of the tree, I landed on my arm wrong. It was obviously broken, but I couldn’t tell my dad because he would have been really angry, so I wrapped it myself and hoped for the best.”

“Whoa,” Korra said. There were lots of things about that story that seemed weird, but she didn’t want to call Asami a liar. “You wrapped your own broken arm? That’s so badass!”

Asami let out a huff of air like she was releasing a painful memory. “I guess that’s one way to look at it. I obviously didn’t do a good job.”

“Damn. I guess it’s good you’re left handed.” 

“I’m not.

“Wait, what?” Asami was right handed? Korra could have sworn her roommate used her left hand for just about everything. Although, if she were naturally right handed, it would explain why her handwriting was so terrible.

Asami looked away and stared out over the campus. They were high up a relatively tall tree and even the tallest campus buildings were only two stories tall, so it felt like they were sitting on top everything. “I’m not left handed. I had to start using it when I broke my right arm. I told all of my teachers I was trying to train myself to be ambidextrous. My Calc teacher gave me detention because I refused to use my dominant hand. Obviously I couldn’t use my right hand, so I had to deal with a week’s worth of detentions until my writing was legible.”

“Shit,” Korra breathed. “Why didn’t you just tell your dad you broke your arm? My dad would have been pissed if I’d broken a bone doing something he told me not to, but at least he would have taken me to the emergency room before he grounded me.”

“Your dad isn’t my dad,” Asami said enigmatically. “Mine’s gotten angry at me over little things ever since my mom died. Telling him wasn’t worth his anger.”

Korra nodded. She still didn’t understand, but Asami was right about one thing: Korra’s dad was not Asami’s dad. Another question popped into her head. “Wait, why didn’t you start writing with your right hand again after your arm healed?”

“I tried. Or…I keep trying? I’ve tried ever couple of months since I broke it, but it still hurts too much.”

Korra shook her head. This was ridiculous. “Okay. That’s it. We’re going to Health Services tomorrow so they can do something about it. It’s stupid for you to live in pain now that you’re not living at home and your dad won’t know.”

“Except for the fact that he’s my emergency contact and that I’m covered under his insurance…”

Well, damn. That would put a damper on Korra’s plans. But wait… “You have a full ride! You get the school’s health insurance with that. So we’ll go and you’ll tell them you have the school insurance. Tonight you can update your emergency contacts on the registration database thing. Just put me down. It doesn’t really matter that much!”

Asami thought for awhile. Korra figured she was trying to come up with reasons why she couldn’t go to the doctor, but Korra wasn’t going to back down. Maybe Asami knew that because she eventually relented and agreed to go. 

 

…

The next day they went to Heath Services together because Korra knew Asami would duck out the second she was left alone. After checking in they sat in the waiting room that was empty because it was 8:00 on a Friday morning. Korra wasn’t thrilled to be up so early, but now that she was going to bed at a consistent and healthy time, she found that mornings weren’t so terrible. She could tell Asami was nervous by the way she sat up straight in her chair and didn’t move. Most people shifted when they were anxious, but not Asami; she turned into a statue.

Before long the nurse came to grab Asami. Korra had been planning on waiting there, but Asami’s panicked face dragged her butt off her seat and pulled her into the single examination room with her roommate. The nurse had to bring in another chair, but despite a bemused look and making Asami sign a form that would release her medical information to Korra, she made no comment on the peculiarity of the situation. With Asami’s vitals recorded, the nurse left them alone to wait for the doctor. 

Korra took the time to try to calm Asami down. “It’s going to be fine. They’re probably just going to look at your arm and take x-rays today.”

Asami nodded sharply, but didn’t look up from the hole her gaze was boring into the hardwood floor. Health Services was located in an old house on campus, which was kind of weird, but considering there were only about 1,800 students at the school, they didn’t need more room than that. 

When the doctor knocked on the door, Asami visibly jumped, but then Korra noticed she forced herself to relax. It was another weird thing she had noticed about Asami. Her roommate had three levels of comfort. First was the comfort level she had with Korra where she acted like herself most of the time. Second was where she lived most of the time—not talking to people and flinching at loud noises. Third was how she acted around complete strangers; she turned into a cheerful person, like she felt the need to be disarming until she knew their intentions. The third level of comfort was when Asami was most afraid. It was this comfort level that she was in right now with the doctor.

The middle-aged doctor entered the room and introduced herself as Dr. Moon. “Which one of you is Asami?” she asked, looking back and forth between the two girls. 

“I am,” Asami said with a friendly smile that Korra knew was disingenuous. 

Dr. Moon looked at Korra and said, “And you are?”

“I’m her roommate. She needed a bit of convincing to come this morning,” Korra replied, nudging Asami gently. She wanted Asami to know that she was here for her and as much as her roommate hated physical contact, Korra didn’t know how else to tell her.

Dr. Moon just shrugged. Korra figured she had seen enough oddities working on a college campus that she didn’t ask too many questions anymore. “What am I seeing you for today?”

“My right forearm. I broke it a few years ago and it never really healed.”

Dr. Moon nodded and jotted down a note in the chart on her tablet. “Who did you see about it when it happened?”

“I—no one,” Asami said. She glanced at Korra, the panic returning to her expression, but Korra smiled calmly at her and she seemed to relax.

The doctor must have noticed the exchange because she didn’t ask any more questions. “Okay. Hop up on the table and we’ll take a look.”

Asami slipped out of her jacket, revealing a tight black t-shirt. Dr. Moon ran her hands over Asami’s right arm and nodded to herself. “Well, you definitely have a lump here. How did this happen?” Asami gave her the same spiel she’d given to Korra the night before. Korra could tell that the doctor didn’t buy it, but neither did she question her honesty. “Alright, we’ll have Nurse Ginger come grab you for x-rays in a few minutes, but I want to know more about this fall. Does anything else still hurt from it?”

Asami shook her head. “No. It’s just my arm.”

Dr. Moon seemed to waver for a moment, but said. “Do you mind if I check out a few other things? I’m mainly concerned about your ribs. Sometimes people fall and just think they’re bruised, but they’ve actually broken something.” 

Asami just shrugged. Korra knew she wanted this to be over and would agree to just about anything if it got her out of there quicker and meant she didn’t have to come back. Dr. Moon felt her ribs and prodded them in a couple of places. Though she tried to hide it, Korra saw the doctor wince at least once. “Okay. I’d like to x-ray your ribs as well, just to be on the safe side.”

“Fine,” Asami said. 

Dr. Moon stuck her head out the door and the nurse came to take Asami then. Korra expected the doc to leave after that, but instead she leaned against the table and looked at her. “You don’t believe her story either?” she asked, eyebrows raised.

“No,” Korra admitted.

“What’s your theory?”

Korra sighed. “I think her dad beat the shit out of her with a bat or something and broke her arm. I’m betting she either didn’t tell him it was broken or he told her to deal with it herself.” In a way it felt good to say aloud, like she finally wasn’t alone in keeping this secret. She wondered if Asami always felt the weight of the truths she kept locked inside.

“She has a slight scar, so my guess is a fire iron or something else with a sharp edge, but other than that I agree with you. If she were a minor I’d be obligated to report it. Actually, if I lived in a number of states I’d be obligated to report it even though she’s not a minor, but not New York. I would need her permission, which I obviously didn’t get because she was far from forthright with me. Just from poking and prodding I suspect she’s had ribs broken as well.” She shook her head. “Damn. I hate these cases. If you can get her go to Counseling Services, please do it.”

Korra doubted that would ever happen. Asami had to be prompted to take care of her physical health; mental health would certainly be even more of a battle. But she nodded her head and the doc changed the subject. They chatted about school for a bit until the nurse brought Asami back with the x-rays.

Dr. Moon stuck them up on the screen, starting with the ones of her arm. When she looked at the radius, she let out a low whistle. Even Korra could see that the bone had been fractured and that it had healed together improperly; the bone on either side of the break didn’t quite match up. Next she looked at the x-rays of Asami’s ribs. Korra’s heart broke as Dr. Moon pointed out several breaks, though the doc said these had healed properly and didn’t require further treatment. 

The doc looked at Asami. “I’m going to refer you to an orthopedic surgeon. Hopefully they’ll get you in today. I’d like for you to have surgery as soon as possible. Give me a few minutes and I’ll let you know when they’ve scheduled your appointment.”

She made to leave the room, but Asami’s voice stopped her. “Not Dr. Amon,” she said in barely more than a whisper. 

Dr. Moon looked surprised, but she nodded. “Whatever you want, Asami. I’ll send you to my husband, Varrick.”

With the doctor out of the room, Asami leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. Korra wasn’t going to ask about her reasons for not wanting to go to Dr. Amon, but Asami surprised her by telling her anyway. “He’s my dad’s friend. I can’t go there and have my dad not find out.”

Korra said nothing, but took Asami’s left hand in her own. For once Asami didn’t flinch or pull away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the affirmation you've given me so far with this story. To those of you who relate to this fic, if you need someone to talk to during the holidays (or anytime, really), please feel free to contact me on FF.net (same username) or Tumblr (http://balagantamim.tumblr.com/). Sometimes it helps to know you can vent and have someone respond. To those of you who said that you were interested in learning more about this subject, you are the best kind of person. Thank you. 
> 
> I'm going to shoot for posting a chapter per week, but I'm not making any promises. I should be able to make the next two weeks at least.


	3. The Cover of Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asami has her surgery and Korra takes care of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

Dr. Varrick, the orthopedic surgeon did get them in that day and scheduled surgery for the Wednesday after next. It was the day fall break started, so Asami wouldn’t have to miss class. Neither Korra nor Asami was planning on going anywhere for break—Korra didn’t want to go to Tenzin’s and Asami had told her dad she needed to study—so it was a perfect solution. 

Asami wasn’t nearly as nervous for surgery as she had been for the doctor’s appointment. Korra assumed it was because no one had questioned her story, and also maybe a little because she had a good chance of getting full use of her arm back. Korra was a little freaked out. Even though she knew Asami would be sedated, she was rather squeamish about the idea of the surgeons having to re-beak Asami’s arm. 

On the morning of the surgery, Tenzin drove the two girls to the hospital. Korra had asked to borrow a car and when he found out why, he insisted on driving them himself. He said Korra didn’t need to sit alone in the waiting room. Which, now that Korra was in the waiting room, anxiously waiting to hear about Asami, she was very thankful for. 

To fill the time, Tenzin asked what had happened to Asami and Korra found herself spilling out her roommate’s secrets once again. She really didn’t know how Asami had been able to keep her mouth shut for all those years because Korra couldn’t handle more than a couple of weeks, and she just suspected the truth. When she finished talking, Tenzin rubbed his bald head. “It’s hard for me to imagine Hiroshi Sato as the kind of person who hits his child,” he admitted.

Korra had been lounging in the waiting room chair, trying to find a comfortable position, but now she swung her feet down to the floor. “You know him?” she asked.

“Not well, but I do know him. Our paths have crossed a few times. This is a small town, you know. He’s always come across as calm and unshakable, if rather distant. With the amount he talks about Asami…” Tenzin trailed off and shook his head. “I just can’t believe it.”

Korra grew indignant, and in a hushed voice told him all of the weird behaviors Asami had adopted just to survive. Then she said, “Mr. Sato abused her whether or not you believe it. You need to deal with that reality.”

Tenzin watched her, amused at the loyalty she was showing her roommate. “You misunderstood me, Korra. When I said I can’t believe it, I meant it colloquially in that it’s difficult for me to comprehend. Asami, should she ever come to me about this, will have my full support. I can’t speak for the rest of the community, however. If Asami ever wishes to report the abuse, she’ll receive a great deal of backlash. Hiroshi is well-loved in this town.”

“That’s fucking bullshit!”

“Korra! Language! There are children here.” Tenzin looked like he was about to hold his hand across Korra’s mouth to keep her from saying anything else offensive. 

Korra took a deep breath to calm down and nodded. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have cursed, but it’s just so wrong!”

“It is,” Tenzin said simply.

“I guess it doesn’t matter,” Korra mused sadly. “It’s not like she’ll ever accuse him. She still hasn’t even told me the truth even though she must know I know.”

Tenzin placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “She will confide in you. Just give her time.”

They lapsed into a companionable silence after that. It was another couple of hours until a nurse came out to get them. The woman with long gray hair and an intense manner informed them that her name was Lily and that the surgery had gone well. She seemed entirely too upbeat when she very quickly said, “They put a pin in her radius to hold it together. She’s in a cast, but she’ll have to have it replaced in two weeks when they remove the stitches. Asami refused to pick a color for her cast, so we put her in black. She’ll need to take pain meds every four hours and anti-inflammatory meds every six hours. Don’t worry. I’ve written it down for you and I’ll have the hospital pharmacy fill the prescription for you. The school’s insurance is pretty comprehensive, so the co-pay should be minimal. Any questions?”

Tenzin and Korra looked at each other. They were both too overwhelmed by the onslaught of information to answer right away. Tenzin recovered first. “When can she go home?”

“As soon as she’s awake and can keep down some liquids! I’m guessing it will be about an hour. Would you like to go see her?”

They followed Nurse Lily to the recovery room where Asami was stirring groggily, but still very much out of it. 

Korra grinned and rushed to Asami’s side, while Tenzin went to get her prescriptions. He told Korra he’d cover whatever they cost. This was the opportunity she was hoping for, but didn’t think she’d get. Asami was in no way the kind of person who would ask people to sign her cast, so Korra thought she would take advantage of her unconsciousness. Out of her bag she pulled a pack of Sharpies, thankful she had sprung for the twelve pack that had the silver marker. None of the other ones would show up on the black cast. She drew a halfway decent picture of her dog Naga whom she’d had to leave behind in Alaska, and signed her name in big loopy letters. When she was finished, she looked up to see Asami’s sleepy eyes watching her. “Oh. Hey!”

Asami gave her a slow smile and Korra knew she was drugged out of her mind. “Hi,” she said, her voice hoarse from surgery. She looked down at her casted arm now covered in Korra’s artwork and glanced back at Korra. “What is it?”

So Korra told Asami all about the dog she missed so badly. There were pictures hanging in their room, but Korra doubted Asami had ever looked at them. It wasn’t too much longer before the nurse deemed Asami fit to leave. Asami was wheeled out, as per hospital policy, with a bag of drugs in her lap, and Tenzin drove them back to campus. Tenzin made Korra promise to make sure Asami got her medicine on time, iced her arm, and made her eat and drink. He handed her forty dollars and told her to order something for dinner so they wouldn’t have to schlep to the Commons where both food places on campus were located. He then reminded her that Asami might be sick to her stomach, so it should be something gentle. Korra assured him she was up to the challenge.

They watched episodes of “The Office” they’d already seen; Korra figured Asami wouldn’t remember much of the day and didn’t want her to miss things in new episodes. It took some prompting, but Asami finally ate the chicken noodle soup and half of the sandwich Korra had ordered for her. Thankfully she didn’t throw up. By the end of the day, she was somewhat coherent, though a little foggy because of the pain meds the doctor had her on. 

It had been an early morning and a stressful day, which meant an early bed for the two girls. Korra was awakened some hours later when Asami sat up in bed with a gasp. “What?” Korra asked, trying to keep her voice to a whisper lest she frighten Asami.

“Just a nightmare, I think,” she replied, panting heavily. “I woke up and a shadowy man was standing over my bed.”

“Shit!” Korra quickly jumped out of bed and turned on the light, just in case it hadn’t been a dream. The room was empty, however, with the door locked and windows fastened tightly. She checked her watch. “Do you have nightmares like that a lot?”

Asami shrugged. “Most nights, but they’re not usually that bad.”

Korra shook her head and let it go. “I guess it’s good you woke up because it’s time for more medicine.” She handed Asami a handful of crackers, her bottle of ginger ale, and a few pills. Asami took them obediently and then got up to go to the bathroom; it was her nightly tradition after all.

When Asami got back, Korra still hadn’t managed to get back in bed. She was super-disconcerted and she didn’t think there was much hope of getting back to sleep unless she managed to calm down. Was this what Asami went through every night? How could she calmly return to her bed like nothing had happened? Korra shuddered and did a kind of dance around the room, but it didn’t help. “That’s it,” she said. “Scoot over.”

“What?” Asami asked, opening her eyes to watch Korra.

“Your dream seriously freaked me out and there’s no way I’m going to sleep on my own. But you need to scoot over because these twin beds are tiny!” Korra looked at Asami and waited until she complied. 

Eventually, Korra’s message seemed to penetrate through Asami’s drug-induced fog and she slid close to the wall, though she still looked confused. Korra flipped off the light and climbed in beside her. There still wasn’t enough room for the two of them to lie side-by-side. Korra prodded Asami until her roommate sighed and rolled onto her left side, so Korra could throw an arm around her and curl up behind her. Asami immediately stiffened. For a second, probably because it was the middle of the night, Korra had forgotten Asami’s discomfort with physical contact. Now that she was touching her, though, Korra didn’t want to let go. It would feel too much like letting the demons win. Besides, she felt less freaked out when she was holding on to her. “It’s just me,” she said, her mouth close to Asami’s ear. “You’re safe with me.” She brushed her thumb across Asami’s wrist until she finally relaxed. 

Somewhere between awake and asleep, Korra whispered, “Your dad broke your arm, didn’t he?” As soon as she heard herself say it, she had to force herself to not physically react; she was astonished with herself for being so bold. Korra hoped Asami was asleep, but she felt her roommate stir and slowly nod her head, as if it took all of her strength to confirm it. “Did he hit you a lot?” Korra asked, tentatively this time. Another nod.

Korra exhaled slowly, trying to let go of how much it hurt to know for sure it was the truth. She rested her forehead in between Asami’s shoulder blades, the firmness of her back reminding Korra that despite it all, Asami had survived. For a long time, she focused on breathing and holding the girl in her arms, not too tightly so she wouldn’t awaken old injuries. This was the magic of darkness, she thought. It gave them the cover to expose the truths that looked too ugly in the light. 

When she could take a breath without feeling like she was going to start sobbing, she remembered a conversation they’d had at the beginning of the year. “Is he the one who told you you weren’t pretty?”

“Yes,” Asami breathed. Korra could hear the briefest hitch in her voice and she wondered if Asami was crying. 

Korra nearly laughed; the time of night plus the emotional toll of this conversation was too much. “I’m pretty sure he’s lied to you a lot, but I think that might have been the biggest because you’re beautiful. I meant it when I told you that before.”

Neither of them said anything more after that, but Asami gripped Korra’s arm and didn’t let go. Korra thought it was like Asami was clinging to what she desperately hoped was the truth; if she let go, she would be pulled back into the lies he had spun. Asami fell asleep soon after, but Korra lay awake for a long time thinking about the weight this girl carried on her shoulders, a weight that until now she’d borne alone. 

 

…

Waking up was awkward. The blanket of safety the darkness had lain upon them during the night had been kicked off when the sun rose. It started when Asami shifted as she woke and felt Korra lying behind her. Korra had been awake for an hour, so she felt Asami freeze. “It’s just me,” she said softly.

Asami didn’t say anything, but she did relax, which Korra counted as a partial victory. Korra rolled out of bed and stretched, figuring it was time to give Asami her space back. Even when Korra handed her her medicine, Asami refused to meet her eyes. Korra hadn’t been sure if Asami would remember admitting that her dad abused her, but that question seemed to have been answered. 

When Asami got back from the bathroom, she went to the mirror like every other morning to do her makeup. As much as Korra was interested to see if pain meds would affect Asami’s precision, it seemed silly for her to maintain her usual image when she was recovering from surgery. “Hang on,” Korra said. “Why are you putting on makeup today? We’re just hanging out here. Give yourself the day off.”

Asami looked conflicted for a few seconds, but then she set down her eye shadow and smiled, not at Korra exactly, but as if she felt relieved at breaking from a tradition that symbolized the lies her father told her. “Okay. Can we have an ‘Office’ marathon today?”

“Duh.” As if there were any other options! “Hey, if you’re feeling up to it, can you look at my computer? It’s kind of sucking.”

“Sure. I should probably eat something first.” Asami started to root through their shared snack bin to find something for breakfast. It was mostly full of cookies and Korra’s protein bars that she ate after hard workouts. Asami chose one of the latter. 

Korra shook her head at herself. “I’m being a terrible caretaker. First I forget to give you breakfast and now I’m making you eat disgusting protein bars. We’re doing something special for lunch.”

Asami gave her a sardonic look of terror, so Korra grabbed the frozen bag of peas Asami had been using to ice her arm, and threw it at her. Asami just reached up with her left hand and caught it like it was nothing. Her blasé manner made Korra burst into laughter, followed soon by Asami. “Shut up and put on ‘The Office,’” Asami said once she was under control of herself. Korra saluted and they lost it again. 

As they watched their favorite episodes, Asami iced her arm and shared with Korra everything she knew about them. It had become their tradition. When Asami liked a show, she researched everything about it. After their “special” lunch (which was just soup and sandwiches again because that was the only place that would deliver to them), Asami got to work on Korra’s computer, while Korra borrowed Asami’s to Skype with her parents.

“Hi honey!” Senna, Korra’s mom said as soon as Korra answered the call. “Wow! The picture is so much clearer than normal. What’s going on?”

Korra glanced at Asami out of the corner of her eye. Her roommate was smiling down at Korra’s computer as she worked on it, though Korra very much doubted her stupid Dell was the source of Asami’s smile. “I’m borrowing Asami’s laptop ‘cause she’s working on mine.”

“Uh oh!” Tonraq, Korra’s father exclaimed as he sidled into the picture. “What’s wrong with it now?”

Korra rolled her eyes. “Oh my God. Everything. It’s super slow. It freezes. It shuts itself down whenever it feels like it. And now it’s stopped connecting to the internet. But I think Asami can fix it.”

“Or Asami might have to build you a new one,” Korra heard Asami mutter.

Before she could stop herself, Korra let out a snort and soon the two girls were laughing again. Apparently it was a very giggly day. “I’m feeling rather confused as to why we’re laughing,” Tonraq admitted, though he and Senna had joined in without question.

“Asami said she might have to rebuild my computer.” It didn’t sound that funny when Korra said it aloud. 

At that, Tonraq looked impressed. “Okay. I want to meet this girl.”

Asami glanced up from Korra’s computer, panic written on her face. “It’s fine,” Korra assured her. “Grab your chair and come join us.”

So Asami pulled her desk chair behind Korra’s and offered a kind of wave with her right arm; she must have forgotten it was in a cast or else that most parents worry when a kid (and let’s face it, anyone Korra’s age would always be a kid to them) is hurt. “Oh no! Honey, what happened to your arm?” Senna asked.

In the little screen that showed them what Korra’s parents were seeing, Korra saw Asami’s eyes widen, but she fielded the question like a pro. “I had surgery on it yesterday to fix an old injury. Korra has been taking care of me.”

Tonraq and Senna shared a look, and Korra knew they were wondering why Asami didn’t go home after the surgery. She prayed they had enough tact not to ask. Fortunately, they did. “If Korra neglects her duties as your nurse, you have my permission to shave her head while she’s asleep,” Tonraq informed her, his solemn expression belied by the twinkle in his eyes. 

“Tell us more about yourself. You like computers?” Senna prompted, cutting off Korra’s horrified protest.

And thus, Korra’s parents so thoroughly disarmed Asami that soon the usually reserved girl was talking and laughing with these people she hadn’t known before today. By the end of the conversation, Asami had even exchanged phone numbers with them. Senna wanted to check up on her arm, saying she didn’t trust Korra to give her a complete update. Korra would have taken offense, but she knew her mom was just making an excuse. Tonraq wanted her number to ask her advice on tech related things both at home and at his job as a small-time government official in their Alaskan town. He also worked as a fisherman, but there was little technology on his troller that Asami could be of help with.

After they hung up, Asami put her chair back and returned to her bed to continue her work on Korra’s computer. “I like your parents. They seem nice.”

Just then, Korra’s phone buzzed with a text from her dad. “Asami’s great. Invite her home to Alaska for the summer. I can get her an internship and your mom says she could use some mothering.”

Korra laughed and showed the text to Asami. “Looks like they like you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your continued support! Next week's chapter is finished and I'm a third of the way through the following one. Thank you again!


	4. A Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra meets people from Asami's past and wishes life were a little more straightforward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

Asami had her stitches removed two weeks to the day after her surgery. She hadn’t complained, but Korra knew they had started getting really itchy based on the way Asami would unconsciously scrub at the skin above her cast. Korra managed to talk her into a blue cast, saying it it would make it easier for people to sign. Asami had shot her a look of disbelief—obviously people signing her cast was not high on her priority list—but had relented, if for no other reason than to shut Korra up. The x-rays looked good, and Dr. Varrick anticipated only an additional four weeks of Asami wearing the cast.

Halloween was a few nights later, and Korra committed herself to getting Asami to come to the track house for their annual party. It took a lot of wheedling, but Korra was able to convince her to dress up as Leia to her Han. Korra was a huge fan of the original Star Wars Trilogy, so she’d made Asami watch them and made her promise to watch the new one when it came out in December. Asami had admitted they weren’t half bad. 

Korra should have known better than to force Asami to attend an event with a bunch of drunk college kids who were less than concerned about maintaining personal boundaries. Needless to say, it didn’t go well. For most of the night, Asami sat on a chair in the corner of the room, looking uncomfortable. The only time she moved was when Korra dragged her around to introduce her to members of the track team. It was probably pointless because they were all too drunk to have any hope of remembering anyone’s name in the morning. 

Korra thought things would improve when she convinced Asami to hang out in the kitchen with Opal and Bolin who had crashed the party. If anything, though, it was worse because Bolin was trashed. While Korra and Opal found it amusing, Asami became angry and stormed out. Korra found her ten minutes later, sitting against a tree, watching the beginning of the first real snowfall of the year.

“What’s wrong with you?” Korra demanded. “I get that parties aren’t your thing, but you like Bo and Opal! Why couldn’t you just hang out with them?”

Asami jumped to her feet and faced Korra. “I don’t want anything to do with people who are stupid enough to get drunk,” she stated hotly. Before Korra could process her words, Asami was gone.

Korra hung around at the party for a bit longer, but without Leia, being Han was pointless. She made her way back to her dorm feeling dejected. She’d yelled Asami for no other reason than selfishness. It was no surprise when she got back to their room and Asami was sitting on her bed, reading. Her Leia costume was carefully folded over the back of her desk chair. 

Asami didn’t even look up when Korra entered the room, which didn’t bode well. “I’m sorry,” Korra said. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“It’s okay.” Asami’s voice was flat and her eyes didn’t leave her book. 

Korra sighed. So this wasn’t going to be as easy as she’d hoped. “No it’s not. Can we talk about this?”

Asami put her book down and looked up expectantly. “What is there to talk about?”

“Why do you hate drinking so much?”

Now it was Asami’s turn to sigh. “You want the truth?” When Korra nodded, Asami said, “I fought for control over my life for years. I can’t understand why someone would give it up willingly. It’s so unfair that they have control and throw it away for something so stupid. It’s just—I can’t imagine ever feeling safe enough to just trust the world to take care of me and it seems so unfair that other people do.”

“And I yelled at you for that.” Damn. Korra won the award for the jackass roommate of the year. “I’m sorry.”

This time Asami offered a tentative smile. “It’s okay.” Korra got ready for bed and asked permission to turn out the light. When they were in bed, Asami asked, “Why weren’t you drinking?”

“I don’t really have one reason,” Korra answered. It wasn’t something she talked about often, but if Asami was asking, she kinda felt like she owed it to her to answer. “I don’t like the taste, first of all. I’m also afraid of getting caught and losing my scholarship or getting suspended from the track team. But it’s also because Alaska natives are prone to alcoholism and I’d rather not go down that path. I’ve had several relatives who have and it’s not pretty.”

“Oh.” Asami didn’t seem to know what to say, which seemed fair because Korra almost never knew what to say to Asami. 

“So I get it. I’ll be more understanding from now on.”

“You don’t have to be. I know it’s weird,” Asami said.

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to.”

 

…

Because the world is an unfair place, Korra got roped into attending the high school state cross-country meet, which took place about thirty miles from campus. A cross-country team member should have gone to meet with high school recruits, but they had their conference meet that weekend and couldn’t attend. Thus, the track team was asked to step up and take their place. It wasn’t ideal, but at least their school would have some representation present to show recruits they cared.

Korra was assigned to a girl from Asami’s high school. Or, well, if she were being completely honest, Korra made sure the recruit she got was from Asami’s high school. A week before the state meet, Korra called the girl, Kate, to let her know she was coming. After they had sorted out the details, Kate asked tentatively, “Do you know Asami Sato?”

“Oh my God! Yeah! She’s my roommate!” Korra told her, excitedly. It was always interesting to learn about your friends’ pasts, especially when the friend in question was particularly elusive. 

Kate remained hesitant, however. “Does she—I mean, is she doing okay? I haven’t heard from her and her dad keeps saying she’s busy with school so we should wait for her talk to us.”

Korra didn’t really know what to say. She didn’t know how much Kate knew about Asami’s relationship with her dad, but she was guessing it wasn’t much. That meant she would have to tread carefully. “Do you want me to try to bring her to the meet this Saturday? I’m sure she’d love to see you.”

“Yes!” Kate blurted out, suddenly animated. “She was like my best friend before she went to school and now we don’t really ever talk!”

Korra smiled into the phone. “I’ll see what I can do. Do you know if her dad’s coming?”

“I don’t think so. He hasn’t mentioned it at least. Do you want me to try to get him to come?”

“No!” Korra exclaimed more forcefully than she intended. “Do me a favor and don’t tell her dad she’s coming, okay?”

“Okay, but why?”

“It’s a long story. Bye, Kate.”

“Bye!”

As soon as she hung up, Korra ran back to her dorm, her backpack flapping on her back. She was so excited she nearly forgot to sing to signal her approach. “Asami!” she said as soon as she burst through the door, albeit not as dramatically as she wanted to, lest she frighten her roommate. “What are you doing on Saturday?”

“Uh…homework?” Asami said, unsure of where this was leading. 

“Come to states with me! I have to go to help recruit Kate Matthews, your friend from high school. She really misses you.”

Asami gaped at Korra, and Korra couldn’t help but gape back, though she thought her reason was markedly different than her roommate’s. Asami’s hair was pulled up in a messy bun and she was wearing her chunky black-framed glasses and she had a pencil tucked behind her ear and she looked so beautiful! Korra put a halt to her thoughts just then before they could spiral down even more inappropriate paths. “She said she misses me?” Asami finally asked.

“Yeah! She said she hadn’t heard from you and that your dad basically told them all you were too busy for them.” Fuck. That was about as insensitive as Korra could have phrased it.

Asami drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, defeat obvious in her expression. “He always wins,” she murmured to herself. 

“What?”

Asami glanced up fleetingly, but quickly looked away from Korra as if she were ashamed. “He told me I should let them move on with their lives –that I didn’t matter to them as much as they matter to me. He said they’d be better off if I didn’t talk to them anymore. Now I know that wasn’t true. Now they think I hate them.”

“I’m sure that’s not true. And even if it were, you have time to make it up to them. Start by coming to states.”

“Do you really think Kate wants to see me?”

“I know she does. She sounded really excited!”

Asami caught sight of her casted arm and nearly panicked. “But what if my dad’s there? He’ll see my arm and know I told someone what happened! I can’t go! I can’t face him!”

“Relax. Kate said your dad’s not going and she promised not to tell him you might. I didn’t tell her why, so she was confused, but she went along with it.”

“You’re sure?” Korra could tell she was starting to waver.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I’ll go.”

That was how Korra found herself at the New York state cross-country meet on a cold Saturday in mid-November with her roommate. The snow that had fallen a few weeks earlier had not been replaced by a new blanket, so it was packed down and possible to run on. On the way to the meet, Asami told Korra about the previous year when a fresh powder covered the course. Some of the slowest times in state history were recorded that year and everyone she talked to had fallen at least once. 

They arrived on the later side, just as Kate’s race was starting. Korra followed Asami to all of the best spots to cheer on the runners that few spectators knew about. When Asami shouted to Kate, she turned her head and grinned widely at Asami. Kate wasn’t a great cross-country runner, Asami told her as they ran to the next outlook. She was more of a track star. 

After the race, the met the team back at their school tent. As soon as they were in the vicinity, a short kid ran out and nearly tackled Asami to the ground. “Asami!” he shouted, his voice cracking.

Korra tensed, ready for Asami to panic at pretty much being assaulted, but to her astonishment, Asami laughed and hugged him tightly. He was a half a head shorter than her, so Korra guessed he was a few years younger. While Asami and the mystery kid had their reunion, she found Kate and congratulated her on her race. They chatted about college for awhile, and Korra invited her to stay with her during the recruitment weekend. When the conversation lagged, she asked, “Hey, who’s that with Asami?”

Kate glanced over at her best friend and smiled widely. “That’s Kai. He was a freshman when she was a senior. He got into some trouble at the beginning of the year, but once Asami talked with him, he settled down. She cemented herself as his favorite person in the world when she took him to prom last year.”

“She took him to prom?” Korra asked. It was such an incongruous match that she was almost certain she’d misunderstood.

“Yeah. He was the only one on the team not going and he was so sad about being left out that Asami asked him.” Kate shook her head. “It was crazy. She could have had her pick of people who were crushing on her, but she went with Kai. I’m pretty sure he was a little in love with her, but now he thinks of her as a big sister.”

Korra smiled as Asami walked over to them, her arm still around Kai’s shoulders. “Hi Kate,” Asami said softly. Korra remembered her fears that Kate would hate her since she didn’t stay in contact with anyone.

Kate smiled back and stepped forward to embrace Asami, who momentarily let go of Kai. “I missed you. I missed you so much!”

“I missed you, too,” Asami sniffed into Kate’s blonde hair. As Korra looked around, she noticed that Kai and Asami were the only two non-white kids on the team. Asami was Japanese and Kai like he was maybe Indian. 

Kate stepped back and clasped her hands together, discomfited. “Why didn’t you talk to me then?”

Korra saw Asami glance in her direction and she knew her roommate was deciding whether or not to tell the truth. Korra offered a nod, for whatever that was worth; she had no idea how Asami would interpret it. “My dad said you didn’t want me to.”

“But in class he said the same thing to us—that we should leave you alone!” Ah, so that was why Kate was in contact with Mr. Sato: he was her teacher! Suddenly a bunch of pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Mr. Sato hadn’t just become a high school science teacher; he’d become a science teacher at Asami’s school. Talk about unfair! Asami could never escape him!

“I don’t want to be left alone,” Asami said sadly. “I really, really don’t.”

“Then why did he say you did?” Kai chimed in. 

“H—“

“Asami!” A voice from outside the tent cut her off.

They all spun around to see a man standing at the tent door. A glance at a suddenly motionless Asami whose blood had drained from her face told Korra it was her father. “Dad!” she exclaimed. 

“What happened to your arm, sweetie?” he asked, rushing forward to examine Asami’s cast. Korra’s first look at an abuser was underwhelming. He looked just like anyone else. If she had to make a list of the top thousand people who looked threatening, Hiroshi Sato wouldn’t even come into consideration. His black hair was streaked with gray, and he was one of those people whose beard/mustache made him seem more approachable rather than less. Fuck, he was even wearing those round Harry Potter glasses! This was the man who had terrorized Asami for years? The man who had broken her arm and ribs?

Korra’s musings lasted no more than a second, which was good because she quickly noticed that Asami was floundering. Obviously Asami hadn’t expected to see her dad today (which was kind of Korra’s fault), so she didn’t have a story ready. Korra jumped in to save the day. “Dude. It was insane. Asami was walking to class and this guy on a skateboard plowed into her and broke her arm.”

Mr. Sato’s bushy eyebrows shot up. “Really?” He turned to Asami for confirmation. Asami managed a nod. “What was this boy’s name? I’d like to complain to the school if this is how careless the students are.”

“Mako,” Korra blurted out without thinking. Hopefully Mr. Sato wouldn’t actually complain because as often as she was annoyed at Mako, it didn’t mean she wanted him to get into trouble. “But it really was an accident. Plus, he broke his board and has been on foot ever since.”

Mr. Sato shook his head, but held out a hand to Korra. “I’m Hiroshi Sato, Asami’s father. I’m guessing you’re her roommate, Korra?”

“Yes, sir.” Korra shook the hand solemnly and fought off the urge to look at Asami. When she let go, she glanced around and saw that all of the runners had started to pack up the tent, so the three of them went back outside where they would be out of the way. Asami hadn’t said much. The girl who had come alive in the presence of her friends had returned to the dormant state in which she sometimes dwelt. 

“Can I take you girls out to lunch? I’d love to get to know you better, Korra, and to spend more time with my daughter. I haven’t seen her since I dropped her off at school!” 

Without even a glance in Asami’s direction, Korra knew her roommate was panicking and that there was nothing she would like to do less than have dinner with her father. “Maybe another time. We have to get back to school to go to a study session for our Intro to Business test on Monday.” That seemed like a good reason, right? 

“That’s a shame, but school always comes first. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on studying with your friends,” he said gamely. 

Korra wasn’t sure, but she thought she might have heard something menacing in his words. Or maybe she was just looking for it. It was hard to tell. On the surface he seemed nice, but Asami’s story told her otherwise. Either way, she wanted him to know just how awesome she thought Asami was, so she said, “Asami’s leading the study group,” Korra bragged. “She knows the material inside and out, so she helps us get ready for exams.”

Mr. Sato gave Korra a tight smile and said, “Asami, can I talk to you in private for a minute?”

Shit. There was nothing Korra could do to prevent this situation. She knew that he couldn’t hurt Asami physically; they were in public after all. But he could say horrible things to her, which was just as bad. Shit. Korra watched Asami and her dad walk fifty meters away. Shit. Shit. Shit. Maybe it would be okay? But what if it wasn’t? Just as she was about to go after them, Kate and Kai came up beside her and distracted her. “Will you make sure she knows we really want to stay friends with her?” Kate asked. 

Without taking her eyes off her roommate, Korra nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

Kai caught the direction of her gaze. “Things aren’t so good between them, are they?”

“Huh?” Korra was only half-listening. 

“I grew up in an orphanage in India. I know what fear looks like. She’s terrified of him,” Kai said softly. His words tore her attention from Asami and she really looked at him for the first time. Knowing his background certainly explained his slight accent and fit the story about his misbehavior when he started school. Korra shrugged. She didn’t know what to tell him. “You don’t have to say anything,” he said. “I can see it. You can count on Kate and me to have her back.”

Kate nodded, though she didn’t speak. Korra could see a thousand memories in Kate’s eyes as she put together the signs she had missed until this point. If Korra ever had any doubts about what happened to Asami, they were swept away after talking to her friends. “Thanks, guys.” Asami made her way back over to them then, her father heading in the direction of the parking lot. “I’ll make sure she stays in touch.”

After they said their goodbyes, Korra and Asami walked slowly toward the car Korra had borrowed from Tenzin. Neither of them spoke until they were halfway back to campus. “My dad said one of my professors contacted him and told him I’m struggling in their class,” Asami said finally, breaking the silence. She rested her head against the window and closed her eyes. “It must have been Tenzin. I have over a hundred percent in all my other classes. I only have a ninety-eight in his.” She let out a defeated sigh at yet another betrayal. “I thought he was safe, but I guess not.”

“It wasn’t Tenzin,” Korra told her. So maybe she hadn’t been reading too much into Hiroshi’s tone and expressions. She would have to watch herself; it was so easy to be swayed into believing him. Korra couldn’t let Asami think Tenzin would go behind her back, not when he was a guaranteed support if she ever needed him. “I know it wasn’t. You know how your dad tells you lies sometimes? I think this was one of them. I don’t think any of your professors contacted him. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Why?” Asami asked heavily.

“Well, first of all because you’re doing really well in all of your classes. I’m pretty sure you have the highest grade in Tenzin’s. Second of all, I don’t think professors are allowed to contact your parents without your permission. They mentioned something about that during orientation.”

Asami raised her head and watched Korra closely as if trying to determine from the side of her face if she was telling the truth. Korra could feel her gaze and if she weren’t afraid of crashing and killing them both in a fiery wreck, she would have met it head on. Eventually she nodded. “Okay. I can accept that. It’s just hard for me to tell whether or not he’s lying.”

“I’ll be your touchstone,” Korra offered. “You can run things by me and I’ll let you know if they sound wonky.”

“Thanks,” Asami murmured. She turned her attention to the loose padding on her cast. “He also said he didn’t want me to be friends with you anymore.”

“What?!” Korra exclaimed, tearing her gaze from the road. “Are you serious? Why?”

“He said you were a bad influence, that you were taking away from my studies.”

Korra shook her head in disbelief. “Damn. I guess I won’t be receiving a Christmas card from him them.”

The corner of Asami’s mouth quirked upward. “Definitely not. We’re Jewish.”

At that incongruous response, Korra burst into laughter. Of all the things she expected Asami to say, telling her she was Jewish had not occurred to her. Once she started laughing, she found she couldn’t stop. Even Asami joined in. This day had been filled with the unexpected, not least of which included Mr. Sato’s appearance at the meet. Korra couldn’t blame Kate for getting it wrong; it was difficult to make sure someone didn’t come to an event without tipping your hand. 

“Hang on. I thought you were Japanese. You’re Jewish, too?” Korra asked. She supposed it wasn’t unheard of, but…well, she’d never heard of it. 

“My mom’s mom was Jewish. She raised my mom as Jewish, so my mom did the same for me. My dad converted when he married my mom.”

“That’s awesome! My family is technically Russian Orthodox, but in the past couple of generations, my people have tried to return to the old ways. We still celebrate Christmas and Easter and stuff, but we’ve started to become more traditionally spiritual. I love it so much! We’ve also reinstituted the potlatch for special events. It’s basically a gift-giving feast.” This was all the stuff Korra couldn’t talk about outside of Alaska because nobody cared. When Asami mentioned her heritage, it was like the floodgates opened. 

“What’s the name of your people?”

“Lingít. You’ll have to come visit and I can show you around and stuff!”

Asami gave Korra a shy smile. “That sounds nice.”

“Great! We’ll make it happen!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I curse way more in these fics than I do in real life. Anyway, there will be a chapter next week and then I'll need a break to build up some chapters as the beginning of the semester hits. 
> 
> Hope you all had a great start to the new year! As always, thanks for your comments! They mean so much!


	5. Curiosity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra asks questions to better understand Asami.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

When Korra told Mr. Sato that they had to study for an exam, she wasn’t lying. Granted, to call hanging out in their room, snacking, and occasionally quizzing each other on class concepts a “study session” might have been stretching the truth a little, but some studying did get done. Besides, it was an introductory class after all, and Korra was doing nearly as well as Asami in it. 

The test on Monday afternoon was as easy as they expected it to be. Like most college classes, students were allowed to leave as soon as they were finished, and like most college friends, when Asami finished first she checked and rechecked and pretended to check her answers again until Korra was done. Korra liked to take her time, so she was the last one finished. With five minutes left in class, she set down her pencil and grinned at Asami. Another exam down! Together they gathered their belongings and dropped their bluebooks onto the giant stack at the front of the room. 

“How did you do?” Tenzin asked with a friendly smile.

Korra waved him off. “Piece of cake,” she said confidently. 

“It was pretty easy,” Asami offered with less gusto.

“Good, good.” Tenzin stroked his beard, looking conflicted. “Asami, can I talk to you for a minute?” When Asami’s eyes widened in what Korra was pretty sure was a mixture of fear and surprise, he chuckled. “It’s nothing bad. I promise.”

“Okay,” she agreed.

Korra wanted to stay to support her roommate in case Tenzin said anything that unsettled her, but she needed to get to track practice. “I’ll see you after practice and we can go grab dinner?”

“Sure,” Asami replied.

Two and a half grueling hours later, Korra dragged herself back to her dorm. As a heptathlon athlete, she trained with different groups to make sure she practiced for each of the events. Recently her coach had been sticking her with the mid-distance group because that was her weakest area. Because they often did workouts with the distance group, she ended up running a lot more than she ever had. Today she’d run a ladder workout, which reminded her why she wasn’t primarily a mid-distance/distance runner. To make her even more exhausted, her coach had decided she should do at least the basics of an arm workout in the weight room. As much as Korra loved track and working out, being the only hep athlete was kind of lonely. She floated from group to group and had made a few friends like Mako and Kuvira, but she didn’t have the close bonds many of her teammates did.

Kuvira and Mako (once he and Korra stopped dating and agreed they were better friends than romantic partners) were great, though. Actually, now that she thought about it, there were like twelve people on campus, apart from the international students, who weren’t white, and half of them were her friends. Asami was Japanese, Mako and Bolin were half-Japanese half-white, Kuvira was Indian, and her boyfriend Bataar and his sister Opal were Mongolian. They weren’t all friends with each other, but on rare occasions when they all hung out, they definitely stood out. As she reached her dorm and started singing some Adele song, Korra thought maybe Asami could help her think of a name for their group. She was good at things like that.

She burst into the room, ready to bring up the topic with Asami, only here roommate wasn’t there. That was odd. She was always there, and she and Korra had dinner plans, so she should really be there. Korra whipped out her phone to text her and settled onto her bed to wait. Except that as soon as she sat down, she was back on her feet again because Asami’s phone buzzed somewhere in their room. Then Korra knew where to find her. Asami was under her bed. Duh. She’d had that conversation with Tenzin and it obviously had upset her. Duh, duh, duh. How had Korra forgotten? 

With that problem solved, another one had arisen. What was Korra supposed to do now? She should probably crawl under the bed and sit with Asami. Shouldn’t she? Yes? Yes. That’s what a good roommate would do. But Korra also had a sense of humor that sometimes couldn’t be quelled. So that meant she was going to inject some fun into this situation. She lay on Asami’s bed and hung her head over the side. “Hey, Asami. How’s it goin’?” she asked casually now that her roommate was in sight.

Asami stared at her for several long moments, her expression somewhere between baleful and fearful. It seemed like she wasn’t going to respond to humor. Okay, apparently a new tactic was necessary. Korra rolled off Asami’s bed and crawled under it to sit beside her. “What’cha doing under here?” Korra asked.

Asami blinked heavily in Korra’s general direction and shook her head like she was only half present. “The memories are too loud. And, just—it’s hard to see.” 

Oookay. Well, that answer didn’t really clear things up. As far as Korra knew, memories didn’t have sound, and noise didn’t affect vision. A straight answer seemed to be beyond Asami’s capabilities right now, so Korra would have to change tactics again. “You know,” she said, taking Asami’s casted hand in her own. Asami never sought out physical contact, but she usually didn’t rebuff it either. “I think it’s really cool that you took Kai to prom.”

That seemed to jar Asami back to about three quarters present. “What?”

“I think it’s really cool that you took Kai to prom,” Korra repeated.

Asami looked at her in confusion. “How do you know about that?”

“Kate told me when we were at states.” Korra recalled when that strange boy had jumped on Asami and she’d hugged him like a long-lost brother. 

“Oh.” Korra didn’t think Asami was going to say anything else, so she tried to come up with another topic when Asami spoke again. “It wasn’t entirely selfless, you know. There was this boy who had had a crush on me for years and I knew he was going to ask me. I didn’t want to go with him because it would have been awkward and I knew Kai wanted to go, so I asked him instead.”

Huh. This was the first time Asami had ever mentioned anything about her romantic life. Korra tucked that information away to bring up at a later time. There were more pressing issues at present. “What happened with Tenzin earlier today?”

Asami sighed. “He told me my dad called earlier today to ask how I was doing in his class. Tenzin didn’t tell him anything because he couldn’t, so my dad told Tenzin I wanted to talk to him.” 

Korra didn’t know what to say. When Asami had told her before that her dad always won, she had thought Asami was being dramatic. Korra hadn’t realized exactly how controlling Asami’s dad was. “I’m so sorry, Asami.” Those words were useless, she knew, so she put an arm around her roommate as well.

“It’s okay. I didn’t tell you so you’d pity me. You asked and I figured you should know. Anyway, I told Tenzin it was a miscommunication and he said I could come to him any time if I needed to. That will never happen, but it was nice to hear.”

“He meant that, you know.” Now Korra knew Asami was fully back in the present, so she tried her original question again. “Why are you under the bed?”

Asami looked down at the hand that was still playing with her fingers. “Sometimes when something reminds me of my dad and the things that happened, I remember everything. It’s like my head gets so full of memories that I start to feel afraid like I did in my house. The only way I can feel safe again is to hide somewhere like I did at home. When my dad came home or if he started to get angry, I hid. He usually wouldn’t come looking for me if he was angry. Dark closets and any small space became the only places at home where I felt safe. I guess here it helps me to center myself. I know it’s weird. I know you probably think I’m weird, but maybe you can at least understand a little.”

Korra inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly. She knew her next words would be very important, but she didn’t really know what to say. “I don’t think you’re weird, especially now that I know what’s going on.” She paused and shook her head. “God, Asami. I don’t think you’re weird. I think it’s amazing you survived as intact as you have.”

They sat together for awhile in the shadows under Asami’s bed until she felt safe enough to come out. Korra liked to think her presence helped, but as usual, Asami gave no indication either way. Regardless, she resolved to keep asking Asami about why she reacted in certain ways so Korra could better understand.

 

…

A few days later when Korra came back to their dorm, she found Asami sitting in the dark. Asami’d been getting better about that recently. Most days Korra came back and the light was on, so she’d stopped checking to see if Asami was in the room before turning on the light. That’s why it was a surprise to see Asami cringe on her bed when the room was suddenly cast into light. 

“Whoa. Sorry about that,” Korra said, throwing her track bag into the bottom of her closet. “I didn’t realize you were here.”

Asami relaxed back against her pillows. “It’s okay.”

“Hey, do you like sitting in the dark for the same reason you like small spaces?” Korra asked, trying for casual. She wasn’t quite sure she managed to cover the burning curiosity she felt about her roommate’s affinity for darkness. 

Asami looked at her in surprise as if she couldn’t believe Korra had bothered to remember why she sometimes hid under her bed, let alone express interest in learning more. Korra thought it was like Asami sometimes thought she didn’t exist to other people. Then she had to stop musing because she almost missed Asami’s response. “Kind of. The dark is good because it’s easier to sneak around. Like, sometimes my dad was in a bad mood, so I would wait until it was dark and he was in the living room before I snuck down to find something for dinner. Or sometimes I accidentally left my school books by the door and had to sneak through the house so he couldn’t be angry at me for not getting my homework done earlier. I like being in the dark when I’m feeling nervous because no one can see me and when no one can see me, I’m safe. Well, safer, anyway.”

That…was actually a pretty good explanation. Or, at least it was one Korra could follow. She saw how it was vaguely related to hiding because it was tied to fear, but that it was also different. The preference for darkness was methodical while hiding under the bed was almost a loss of control. Asami was anxiously waiting for a response, and Korra realized she had been lost in thought. “That makes a lot of sense,” she told Asami sincerely. “You know, you don’t have to worry about me. You’re safe with me in the light or dark.”

Asami gave her a bashful smile. “I know, but it’s not that I don’t know I’m safe with you. I do know that. It’s just that I get really nervous about turning on the light. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with my dad.”

Korra sat down at her desk and turned on the computer that Asami had essentially rebuilt. Or just fixed really well? She wasn’t sure, but at any rate, her computer worked. As she pulled up a PDF she had to read for class the next day, she absently said, “Well, if you ever want to sit in the dark while I’m here, just let me know.”

Asami snorted and opened her latest fantasy novel, something she’d probably already read a dozen times. “Thanks,” she said dryly. 

 

…

In the days leading up to Thanksgiving break, Korra was worried. Asami told her she was going home. It would be the first time she went home since school started. No matter how many times Asami assured her that it was only three full days, Korra just kept seeing her roommate getting beaten by her father. Surely Asami was nervous too, but she didn’t express it as openly as Korra. In fact, with Korra doing most of the talking in their roommate relationship, that was one of the only topics of conversation.

On Wednesday, just before Korra would leave with Tenzin and his family and Asami’s dad would come pick her up, Korra brought it up again. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“It’s fine. I just need to get through Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Tomorrow will be fine because it’s a holiday; we’ll go out to dinner so I’ll be safe there. I haven’t seen him for awhile, so we’ll catch up on Friday. Saturday I’ll tell him I have to work on homework. Okay?” Asami was starting to sound exasperated.

Korra let out a long breath to calm herself. “Yeah.” She remembered the text she’d gotten from Kate a few weeks ago thanking her for helping her to reconnect with Asami. “Oh, hey. Are you going to see your friends when you’re home?”

Asami got a huge smile on her face. “Yeah!” she said excitedly. “I’m going out to breakfast with them on Sunday and Kate will drive me back. See, even less time at home!” she finished sarcastically. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Korra muttered as she threw some clothes in a duffel bag. Tenzin and Pema didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving because Tenzin’s mother Katara was an Alaska Native like Korra. They thought it was counterintuitive to celebrate a holiday that had ties to the decimation of their people. Still, Katara was flying in from Alaska, so they would have a big dinner to celebrate. With great reluctance, she threw a dressy sweater into her bag in case casual attire wasn’t appropriate for dinner. Her phone buzzed in her pocket, alerting her that Tenzin was outside waiting. “Damn,” she cursed, rushing to pack her toiletries. A minute later she was ready. “Text me every day, morning and night,” she said sternly to Asami.

“Yeah, yeah,” Asami said mockingly, but it was enough. Korra knew that without fail she would receive two texts per day.

 

…

Thanksgiving break was a lot of fun. She played in the snow with Tenzin’s kids, helped Pema make a giant dinner, and made some serious headway in her final papers. The last thing wasn’t particularly fun, but it would make the last two weeks of the semester more bearable. Asami kept her word and texted Korra twice a day. She couldn’t be sure, but she thought Asami was safe at least. Still, Korra was relieved when it was Sunday and time to go back to school. 

She got back around three and said a heartfelt goodbye to the four children who had insisted on coming along to drop her off. Without looking back, Korra took the stairs two at a time to her dorm room. “You’re here!” she exclaimed when she burst into the room and saw Asami putting away clean clothes.

“Just like I promised,” she returned with a smile. 

“How was your break?” Korra asked, joining Asami in unpacking. 

“It was fine. My dad missed me, so he was nice. I don’t think he believed your story about my arm, but I stuck to it and he couldn’t argue with me. Kai and Kate are doing well. Having breakfast with them was really great. I’m going to hang out with them over winter break too.”

Korra stopped folding a t-shirt to grin at Asami. “That’s awesome!” True to form, she sounded twice as enthusiastic as Asami, but Asami expressing any amount of enthusiasm was still new to her. With a jolt, she remembered something she wanted to ask Asami about. “Question,” she said. She would have to tread carefully here. “You know how you didn’t want to go to prom with the guy who had a crush on you?”

Asami cocked her head in confusion, sitting back on her heels to look at Korra. “Yeah?”

“Did you like him back?” Asking about someone’s sexuality was a touchy subject, so Korra thought ambiguity was the best tactic. It wasn’t really any of her business, but she really wanted to know. She kind of didn’t want think too hard about why she wanted to know.

Asami snorted. “Why, do you want to date him?” Okay. Maybe ambiguity wasn’t for Korra. She had always been better at being direct.

“No,” Korra said, tossing a dirty sock at Asami’s face. “You just never talk about liking anyone. I wondered if you were hung up on someone at home.”

Asami raised an eyebrow now that she understood what Korra was getting at. “I’m not hung up on anyone. I didn’t like Shawn or Brian or Kevin or any of the guys who had crushes on me. I don’t like anyone.”

“Oh.” Korra didn’t really know what to say to that. “So you’re asexual? It’s cool if you are.”

Asami bit her lip uncertainly. “What if I don’t know? Is that still okay?”

“I—yeah,” Korra said hurriedly, though she didn’t really know what Asami meant. “So, like, you’re questioning?”

“I don’t know.” Asami sighed and sat on the hard floor, wrapping her arms around her legs. “I don’t think about it very much. Feelings weren’t prudent in my house, especially ones that made me vulnerable like having a crush on someone. I don’t know that I can claim the label of a true ace because I shut off my feelings a long time ago. Maybe I would have been ace anyway. I don’t know.”

She let her head drop onto her knees and Korra rushed to put an arm around her. “Hey,” Korra said, waiting until Asami raised her head to look at her. She met her eyes with a gentle smile. “You’ll figure it out.”

“It’s really okay?” Asami asked like she couldn’t believe it.

“Hell yeah!” 

After that the girls went back to unpacking and started in on the final season of “The Office.” It was a great end to break and start to the rest of the semester.

 

…

At the beginning of December and in the middle of finals week, Asami finally got her cast off. Dr. Varrick pronounced her fully healed and gave her a bunch of exercises to do to strengthen her right arm and hand. There was almost no doubt that she would get full use of her arm back. 

With gusto, they finished their finals. They both finished early in the week and spent the last few days catching up on sleep and finishing “The Office.” For break Korra was planning on going to Tenzin’s. Her parents would be coming for Christmas and would even bring Naga! Needless to say, she was super excited. She was less excited, on the other hand, that Asami would be going home for break. Korra had a bad feeling about it. To be fair, Korra was extremely biased, but she really did fear for her friend’s safety. A month was a long time for Asami to be alone with her dad. 

Much like Thanksgiving break, Asami promised to text Korra everyday. Korra coaxed out an extra promise from Asami to call her if she needed anything. When Asami’s dad came to pick her up, Korra crushed her in a hug. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too,” Asami said, hugging her back for the first time.

“Be safe.” 

With those parting words, Asami grabbed her suitcase and walked out of the dorm. Korra spent the next few hours on various social media sites, trying to distract and convince herself Asami would be okay. It didn’t work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure when I'll post again. It could be next week or the following week. It depends on a variety of factors. Don't fear. I have a couple of chapters written. I just need more of a cushion to make it through the semester.
> 
> Thanks again for all of your support!


	6. A Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter in which things fall apart. This chapter is the closest that requires a trigger warning for abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

The first two weeks of break went fine. While the kids were at school, Korra slept in and got in her workouts. Once they got home, they played in the snow until Pema called them in for dinner. Then they cuddled up on the couch for hours, watching all of the episodes of “Girl Meets World” on Korra’s Netflix account. As an eleven-year-old, it was Ikki’s favorite show, but the other kids liked it too. Jinora had started high school this year and was an old soul. She preferred “Boy Meets World,” though she admitted the new generation was good too. Meelo, the nine-year-old, claimed he was too manly for a show with the word “girl” in the title, but he sat there quietly for once and watched without complaint. Rohan was two and too little to care; he just liked being included. 

Korra also kept in contact with her friends from school. Mako and Bolin went home with Opal to New York City. Her mom was a big time executive there and they had a huge apartment in an upscale part of town. Besides, they didn’t have anywhere else to go. They were having a blast doing all of the touristy things they’d never done before. Bolin’s Snapchats were hilariously terrible. 

It was Asami, however, whose texts gave her life. She kept up the twice daily texting regimen, sometimes sending her funny clips. Korra wished her a Happy Hanukkah and Asami texted her back with a link to a Maccabeats song. As much as Korra liked laughing, she was mostly just glad to know Asami was okay. 

Five days before Christmas, Korra went with Tenzin to pick up her parents from the airport. Korra was going to go by herself, but their flight got in at five, which meant a long trip on a snowy night, and Tenzin was less than thrilled about the idea of her driving his car. She protested that she was from Alaska and had driven in the snow many times, but her reasoning didn’t fly with him, so he came along. 

Korra was pretty much bouncing with excitement. She hadn’t seen her parents in eight months and she missed them terribly. Skype was not comparable to them actually being there. It came nowhere close to the bear hug her dad wrapped her in when he saw her or the way Naga, her Alaskan Malamute, almost pulled her mom to the ground trying to get to her. Naga did tackle Korra once she broke free. “Naga!” Korra cried, not even bothering to push away the dog that was licking her whole face. People stopped to stare at the dog that was all but gnawing on Korra’s face. Eventually Tonraq dragged Naga off of her so Senna had a chance to embrace her daughter. All in all, it was everything Korra could have asked for in a joyful reunion.

On the two-hour drive back to Tenzin’s, Korra told her parents all about her classes, track, and her friends. Just as they asked about Asami, Korra’s phone rang. It was Asami. Speak of the devil and the devil will appear. Though, really, Asami was no devil, despite the ones she fought. “Hello?” Korra answered with trepidation.

“Korra?” Asami’s voice sounded shaky. “Can you come get me?”

“Yeah. Just text me the address. You okay?” Korra’s heart was pounding. She felt it in her chest, her head, and even her feet. When Asami didn’t respond right away, Korra started to panic. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. “Hey, are you okay?”

Relief coursed through her when she heard Asami’s shuddering breath. “Kind of.”

“Okay. Text me the address and we’ll be there in a half hour. Stay on the line. I just need to talk to Tenzin for a minute.”

Korra covered the mic on her phone and saw everyone watching her. Even Tenzin had an eye on her in the review mirror. “What’s going on?” Senna asked, her voice laden with concern. 

“I don’t know,” Korra said. She was scared. She didn’t know what was happening, but she did know it couldn’t be good. “Tenzin, can we pick Asami up?”

Tenzin glanced at the back seat which was taken up by Senna, Naga, and Korra, but he still nodded. “Of course. We’ll have to squeeze, but we’ll make it work. Send the address to Tonraq. Make sure she’s somewhere safe and don’t let her hang up.”

“Okay.” Korra forwarded the address Asami had texted to her and went back to her conversation with her roommate. “You still there?”

“Yeah,” Asami said softly.

That was a good sign. “Awesome. Are you somewhere safe?”

“Yeah. Or, well, kind of. I’m at a gas station a couple of miles from my house.” 

That was…odd, but better than being at her house. Korra kept Asami talking until they pulled up at the gas station. It was kind of fortuitous because they needed gas, so Tenzin took care of that while Korra and her parents went to find Asami. 

“We’re here,” Korra said. “Where are you?” Just then Asami came around the corner of the store part of the gas station. Korra hung up the phone and rushed toward her. Asami was walking gingerly, her face shrouded in shadows. When Korra got closer, she gasped. The whole left side of Asami’s face was starting to bruise. “Asami,” she breathed, coming to a stop in front of her. Korra took Asami’s hands in her own. 

“It’s not that bad,” Asami murmured. 

Korra just shook her head mutely and hugged her. No matter how gentle she was, and despite the fact that Asami was wearing a parka, she still winced. 

“Korra, we should go,” Tonraq said, touching Korra’s shoulder to get her attention. 

“Right, okay.” Korra clasped Asami’s hand and led her to the car. 

Asami followed along, holding her free hand against her side. “Where are we going?”

“Tenzin’s house.” That was all Korra could manage. She was starting to panic again. What did she know about this? What the fuck are you supposed to do when your friend calls you to come pick her up because her dad beat the shit out of her? 

As they piled in the car, Naga up front with Tonraq and Asami in the middle between Korra and Senna, Asami said softly, “I’m sorry about this. I shouldn’t have called. I just didn’t know what to do.”

Senna put an arm around her. “Honey, if ever there were a time to call someone, this was it. Can you tell me what happened? Do we need to go straight to the hospital or can we stop at home first?”

“I don’t need to go to the hospital,” Asami protested. She didn’t pull away from Senna, but Korra could feel the tension in her.

“Okay, then I guess we’re stopping first.”

Asami started to argue, but Tenzin cut her off. “We’ll drop you three and Naga off, and Tonraq and I will go back to the Satos to pick up some things. Asami, is there anything in particular you need?”

“Please don’t do this,” Asami begged. “He’ll kill me if you show up there. I’ll never be able to go back home. Just let me stay with you tonight and I can go home tomorrow.” Korra leaned her head against Asami’s shoulder, hoping that somehow it would help. Maybe it did because when Tonraq spoke up to gently explain why that wasn’t a good idea—something about how 75% of women who are killed as a result of domestic violence are while or after they leave (Korra was pretty sure that was for intimate partner violence, but she wasn’t complaining if it made Asami agree)—Asami just said, “My suitcase and backpack are in my room. That’s all I need.”

“You kept your stuff packed?” Korra asked, wondering what Asami had been wearing and doing since the semester ended.

Asami closed her eyes, a clear sign she was warding off memories. “I always have a bag packed just in case I ever need to leave quickly. It seemed like a good idea. I thought I’d be able to grab it before I left, but I guess it didn’t work out so well.”

No one knew what to say to that, so they rode the rest of the way in silence. When they pulled up in front of the house, Senna and Korra each grabbed a suitcase, and Naga and Asami followed them inside. Thankfully Tenzin had the foresight to text his wife, so the kids were all in their rooms and only Pema met them at the door. Asami’s face looked even worse in the light and Korra knew there was no way they were avoiding a trip to the emergency room. 

“What happened?” Pema asked.

Asami glanced at Korra, a smile touching the corner of her mouth. “I guess you’re not going to buy the tree story again, are you?”

“I didn’t believe it the first time either,” Korra retorted. Her face felt like it was cracking, but she managed a smile back. “What really happened?”

Asami took a deep breath and started talking. “Today’s the anniversary of my mom’s death. Every year we go to put flowers on her grave and make her brisket recipe. Usually I would pick up flowers after school. I didn’t this year because I obviously didn’t have school and I figured my dad would pick some up on his way home. Only he didn’t. And he told me it meant I didn’t love my mom. That I’d never loved her.” She paused and took a breath that sounded more like a sob. Korra caught her hands in her own. Like always, Asami ignored her touch, but she didn’t pull away. “So it started off bad. Then when we got home from the cemetery he started asking about Korra. He said I replaced mom with her and my other friends. He told me how stupid I am for believing they care about me because they’re so much better than I am. He said—he said I was lucky to have him because he was the only person who will ever really love me and that he needed to remind me because I’d forgotten all the lessons he’d taught me before.”

Korra pulled her hands away, horrified. “Fuck,” she breathed. She thought back to all of the effort she had put into building a friendship with Asami. It was her fault Asami was sitting here injured in Pema’s kitchen. When she returned to the present, she found everyone but Asami was looking at her. Damn. She knew Asami well enough to know her roommate believed her dad’s words. Korra touched Asami’s shoulder. “Hey,” she said. “That’s not true. You don’t beat love into someone. You did love your mom and she loved you. So do I and all of your other friends.”

Asami looked at her gravely then, and opened her mouth to reply, but Senna broke in. “I hate to do this, but I need to know exactly what happened. I need to know what he hit you with and where.”

“He hit me in the side of my head with a frying pan,” she said, not meeting anyone’s eyes.

“Anywhere else?”

“My ribs, but it’s my head that really hurts,” Asami admitted. 

Senna left the room and returned with her bag of medical supplies. “I’m a doctor. Do you mind if I take a look?” Asami shook her head and Korra watched as her mom examined her roommate in the same way she’d done countless times to Korra. “Well,” she said when she was finished, “I think you just have a mild concussion and some bruising, but we need to take you to the ER in case you have a fractured eye socket or broken ribs.”

“I don’t want to go,” Asami whimpered, and she started to tear up for the first time since Korra met her. “Please don’t make me go.”

Senna crouched down in front of Asami’s chair and put her hands on the girl’s knees. “Honey, you’ve been so brave already, more than anyone should ever have to be, but I need you to be brave a little longer. I wouldn’t make you go if I didn’t think it was necessary.”

Asami took a deep breath as if steeling herself and nodded. Before Korra knew it, Senna had borrowed Pema’s car and the three of them were in the ER waiting room. Senna tried to warn Asami that because of her injuries, a social worker would have to talk to her about what happened, but Korra didn’t think Asami was really listening. When the social worker showed up, Asami shut down and refused to talk. Korra couldn’t believe it; Asami’s dad had beaten her yet again and she was just going to let it go? But the social worker just sighed as if he weren’t surprised, made sure she had a safe place to go, and took some pictures before he left and Asami was whisked off to get x-rays and a CT scan. And so Korra and Senna were left alone in an exam room.

“Honey,” Senna said cautiously, which meant she knew Korra wouldn’t like what she had to say.

Korra sighed, exhausted. How much more could she take? “Yeah?”

“I know you’re falling for Asami and I’m concerned.”

Korra looked at her mom in absolute disbelief. This sounded like the start of a lecture her mom had given her about a girl when she was in high school. In the end, her mom had been right. The girl had been bad news and had broken Korra’s heart, but not before Korra was dragged home by a cop. “Are you kidding me?” she demanded. “Asami just had her head bashed in and you’re going to sit there and tell me not to fall in love with her because she’s not good enough for me?”

“No,” Senna said calmly. “That’s not what I’m saying. I love Asami dearly and you know that. She’s a lovely girl who has a lot of potential. What I am saying is that I don’t want you to fall in love for the wrong reason.”

“Which would be…?” Korra demanded, her voice cold.

“I don’t want you to fall in love with her because you think you can fix her.”

Korra sat back, her anger suddenly deflated. That was not at all what she was expecting. “Oh. Do you think that’s what I’m doing?”

“I don’t know. That’s something only you can answer.” 

Korra leaned against her mom, thankful for the way her mom knew exactly how to put her arm around her and kiss her on the head. “I think I have time to figure it out. Even if Asami likes girls, she’s nowhere near ready to date.” Korra sighed. Why were things so complicated? “Mom?”

“Hmm?”

“What’s the right reason to fall in love?” All Korra knew was that she didn’t have it with Mako or anyone else she’d dated.

Senna brushed Korra’s hair out of her eyes. Clearly it was time for a haircut. “I don’t have an answer for you, honey. It’s something you’ll have to figure out for yourself.”

Korra fell asleep while she was thinking about it. It was after midnight by the time Asami was cleared to leave. Like Senna suspected, she had a mild concussion and severe bruising, but no fractures. The ride home was silent. Senna concentrated on driving, which probably took more effort than normal because she’d been traveling all day. Asami sat in the front seat, while Korra stretched out in the back. Korra dozed off and on, but she doubted Asami slept at all. 

When they got back to the house, the kids were long since asleep, but the adults were still up. Naga was in with Jinora and Ikki so she wouldn’t jump all over Asami. Tonraq and Tenzin had gotten Asami’s suitcase and backpack from her room at her dad’s house. Apparently Mr. Sato was very cooperative. Though he didn’t admit to harming Asami, he did ask them to apologize to her for him and to tell her he loved her. It made Korra’s heart ache to see the way Asami’s face crumpled at her father’s words. She just couldn’t understand how her friend could still be so affected by his words. Couldn’t she see he was lying? Couldn’t she see he didn’t love her? 

Pema showed Asami to the bathroom and made sure she had everything she needed for a shower. Tenzin and Senna gave Korra a hug and then went to bed, leaving her alone with Tonraq. “Why doesn’t he love her?” Korra asked.

“I think he does love her,” Tonraq corrected gently. 

“You don’t hit the people you love!” Korra exclaimed, pacing around the kitchen. Now that she was away from Asami, all she wanted to do was express her anger at how unjust this whole situation was. 

Tonraq grabbed Korra by the arm and pulled her onto his lap where he sat at the kitchen table. Korra let herself fall against his chest, breathing in his scent. He always smelled like fresh air with a hint of the ocean. He smelled like home. “Obviously hitting someone isn’t an expression of love, but Hiroshi Sato does love his daughter. Abusive parents aren’t always abusive. Sometimes they’re just like any other parent: they come to sports games, go to parent-teacher conferences, and even hug and kiss them. I’m guessing Asami is frightened of her father?”

“Yes.”

“It’s the two-faced aspect that makes it so scary. It’s never knowing what to expect. Asami had to guess whether her father the inventor and teacher would come home at night or if it would be her father the abuser. Was it the father who taught her how to fix computers or the father that beat her and told her it was because he loved her?” Tonraq broke off and sighed. “Do you see what I mean?”

Korra shrugged. “Kind of, but not really. I still don’t understand why he’s abusive. Why does he hit her if he loves her?”

“There’s no one reason, Kor. Each abuser is different; hell, they probably all have a bunch of reasons. I’d guess his is wrapped up in Asami’s mom’s death. I think he’s also afraid he’s losing her now that she went to college, but I don’t really know. It doesn’t really matter, though, you’re right about that. There’s no acceptable reason to abuse someone.”

“How do you know all of this?” That’s what Korra couldn’t figure out. Her dad seemed to have a lot of both general and specific information. It was peculiar.

Tonraq held his daughter to his chest. “I talked to him for a bit while Tenzin was rounding up Asami’s belongings. What killed me is that he didn’t seem to think he’d done anything wrong. He said it was all a big misunderstanding and seemed to think Asami was at fault. It was the same way when I had to turn in your Uncle Unalaq for abusing your cousins. We tried to work with him, but he couldn’t find a better way to deal with his anger than hitting Eska and Desna. He wouldn’t admit he had a problem.” 

Korra hadn’t known that. She knew her cousins didn’t live with their dad anymore, but she’d never known why. It explained a lot, actually. “What do I do now?”

“Take a shower and go to sleep,” Tonraq said practically. “And make sure Asami sleeps too. She’ll be in with you since we’re running low on bedrooms.”

Korra sat in her dad’s lap until she heard the shower shut off. She got Asami settled in their room; they’d have to share a bed, but at least it was bigger than the twin bed they’d shared that one night in their dorm room. Once Asami was in bed, Korra grabbed some pajamas and went to shower and brush her teeth. She wanted so badly to cry, but her desire to get back to Asami overpowered it. Crying would take too long. 

In all, it took her less than ten minutes before she was lying in bed next to Asami. “Do you want to talk about it?” Korra asked. She hoped Asami would decline. She was exhausted and there was about an 80% chance she would end up falling asleep during the conversation.

“No,” Asami whispered, turning her face away from Korra’s. It was only a double bed, so it wasn’t like it was all that effective. 

“Okay. Do you mind if I hold you?” Oops. That was more forward than she intended, but it was like two in the morning and she couldn’t think of a more delicate way to phrase it.

“Why?” At least that had gotten Asami’s attention and now she was actually looking at Korra?

Korra closed her eyes and tried to come up with something that would adequately express how she was feeling. “I need a reminder that you’re here and that you’re safe. And right now I’m really angry at your dad, but if I’m holding you I can’t be angry anymore. Please? It will help me sleep. Plus, to be honest, I’m kind of a cuddler, so it will probably end up happening either way.”

“Okay,” Asami said reluctantly. “But I don’t think I can move. My head and side hurt less if I’m lying on my back.”

“I’ve got this.” Korra rolled onto her left side so she could carefully lay her arm across Asami’s stomach. Then she snuggled up against her and put her head on Asami’s shoulder. “Good?”

Korra felt Asami move just enough that her uninjured cheek rested against the top of Korra’s head. Then, just like the last time they’d slept in the same bed, she grasped Korra’s forearm and didn’t let go. “Good,” she murmured. 

“It will be okay, you know,” Korra said sleepily. Maybe she could offer some comfort. “We’ll get through this.”

Asami squeezed her arm in what Korra was guessing (or hoping) was gratitude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to anyone else who's ever had to keep a bag packed just in case, whether it was for physical safety or to keep you sane knowing you could run if you needed to.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for your comments! I'm sorry if I didn't reply after the last chapter. It was a result of not wanting to ruin the suspense. 
> 
> Now for ramblings that you don't necessarily need to read. It's not essential to the plot.
> 
> I know the part about Hiroshi loving Asami might be controversial, but based on personal experience, other people's experiences, and a barrage of social work and psychology classes, it's true more often than not. If you believe you abuser doesn't love you, that's absolutely fine. You may be right. I have no idea about your personal circumstance. 
> 
> Also, writing this chapter made me think of "Facing the Abusing God" by David Blumenthal (side note: I met him at a party a few months ago and almost insulted him. I'd used this book for my master's thesis and was talking to him about that. I didn't realize he was David Blumenthal and I almost made a joke about how it has crazy formatting. Luckily I caught myself just in time). It's Jewish protest theology and in a lot of ways is superior to Christian takes on trauma. Instead of saying things like "everything happens for a reason" or pointing to Jesus as negotiating a sometimes violent God, Blumenthal looks at God as an abusive parent. It covers things like the holocaust and rape and a variety of other things. Basically, it doesn't let God off the hook in a way that a lot of other theologies do. I'm not sure that it gives definitive answers, but that's good because there aren't any. It's worth a read if you're pissed at God for stuff that's happened to you.


	7. Dancing Through the Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra and Asami finish out winter break together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

When Korra opened her eyes, the blinding glare coming in through the window told her it was at least midmorning and that it had snowed overnight. The sunrays bounced around her room, refracting off of the dripping icicles that dangled from the overhang of the roof. Korra glanced at Asami and found that she was already awake and looking at her. It was one of the rare moments when Asami’s gaze was completely unguarded, her walls not yet erected for the day. In her eyes, Korra saw a well of emotions, a depth she doubted she’d be able to fathom if she lived ten thousand lifetimes. It was the gaze of someone who had seen too much; it was the gaze of a survivor. There was fear, of course, but a hundred different nuances of fear that Korra didn’t have names for. And there was weight, a heaviness Korra couldn’t identify. But there was also affection, and that gave Korra hope.

Korra opened her mouth before she thought about it, ready to spill out all of her yet-unformed feelings toward Asami, but caught herself just in time. Her teeth closed together with an audible click.

“What?” Asami asked, her voice rough from sleep.

“Do you like dogs?” Korra blurted out the first thing besides feelings that came into her mind. 

She was close enough to see the confusion write itself across Asami’s face, the lines deepening on her forehead and her eyes narrowing. “I guess?”

“Good because you’re a new person and Naga is going to follow you around all day.” The night before, Naga had been whisked up to the Jinora and Ikki’s room before she could become acquainted with Asami.

“I think I can handle that.”

Korra didn’t want to get up yet. It was warm under the covers and she was comfortable draped across Asami. Not to mention the fact that this was one of the rare occasions when she got to cuddle with Asami. “How are you feeling?” Her gaze brushed over the bruises on Asami’s face. 

“My arm’s asleep,” Asami answered.

Korra let out a laugh and scooted down so Asami could free her arm. “You could have just shoved me off,” she said mildly. “But I meant your injuries.”

“I have a wicked headache,” Asami admitted. 

Korra wished she had the freedom to run her hands through Asami’s mussed hair. Instead, she kind of rubbed her face against Asami’s side. “We should get up then so you can take something.”

They got up and dressed and made their way into the kitchen. Before they even reached the bottom step, they were nearly mauled by Korra’s giant dog. Thankfully Korra managed to catch her by the collar before Naga could jump on Asami. That seemed like a bad idea considering her friend’s injuries. After a few pets and sniffs between the new friends, Naga managed to settle herself down.

“Morning, girls,” Pema called from the table where she was laying out a pancake breakfast in front of her kids.

“What happened to your face, beautiful woman?” Meelo asked with all the audacity of a nine-year-old.

Asami spluttered, completely caught off guard by his question. Jinora shot him a death glare before he could ask something more offensive, and Ikki smacked him. “You can’t ask that, Meelo!”

Just then Tenzin walked in, shaking his head at his children. “I’m sorry, Asami. We didn’t get a chance to talk to them before you came down. Do you mind if I tell them the truth?”

Asami shook her head mutely, but Korra held out a hand in protest. “Is that really a good idea? What about the whole childhood innocence thing?”

“Childhood innocence?” Tenzin asked, raising an eyebrow in amusement. Korra just shrugged in response, feeling foolish. “Pema and I feel the truth is preferable to a lie.” He turned to his four children who were in various stages of finishing their breakfasts. “Last night Asami’s father got angry and hit her. Sometimes parents hurt their children and it’s our job to protect them, so she’s going to be staying with us for awhile.”

The three oldest children looked at Asami as if trying to process the information. It was Ikki who shrugged and said, “My friend Becca’s dad used to beat her up until her mom took her away and they moved here. My daddy will keep you safe.”

“Thanks,” Asami murmured, looking like she didn’t know what do now. Korra was actually pretty impressed with how mature Ikki sounded.

“I’ll keep you safe, beautiful woman!” Meelo exclaimed, standing up on his chair and raising his knife like a sword. “I will die before I let anyone touch you again.”

Korra rolled her eyes and confiscated his makeshift weapon before he could hurt himself or others. “Hungry?” she asked Asami. When her friend shook her head Korra returned to her side and pulled her to the table. “Let me rephrase. You need to eat so you can take something for your headache.”

“Asami, honey, do you have any special Christmas traditions? Any foods I can make?” Pema asked, finally sitting down to eat.

“She’s Jewish,” Korra said around a mouthful of pancakes. 

Pema looked up from her plate in surprise. “Oh. Well, then I suppose that will make life easier. I’m not sure if we’ll have a traditional dinner seeing as we’re vegetarians, but you’re welcome to celebrate with us.”

“Thank you.”

 

…

“Why are we going to church tonight?” Jinora demanded, protesting for the tenth time that evening. “Christmas isn’t until January 7th! Today’s only December 24th!”

Korra sat on the stairs and laughed as she heard Tenzin sigh and try once again to explain it to his eldest child. “We’ve been through this, Jinora. Traditionally, you’re right, but all of the Orthodox churches in this area have adopted the Gregorian calendar. I know you don’t like it, but it’s how it is. Now, please go get ready.”

Jinora stormed past her, muttering about how their family was Buddhist anyway, not Christian. “Just because Gran Gran is Lingít, it doesn’t trump Grandpa Aang’s Tibetan heritage!” She shouted from her room.

“You’re right!” Tenzin shouted back. “That’s why we’re Buddhist the rest of the year.” Korra heard him muttering about being more careful about the promises he made to his mother.

Korra just shook her head at how similar father and daughter were. She made her way into the kitchen where her parents were sitting at the table, waiting for everyone to be ready. Senna’s head slipped off her hand when she saw her daughter. “I really wish you would come with us,” she said.

“Hell no,” Korra said. “You know that. I’m not going back to any Orthodox church until they apologize and change their policies.”

Tonraq and Senna shared a look. “It was worth a shot,” her dad said with a shrug. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Korra grabbed a snack and ran back upstairs to the room she was sharing with Asami. She found her there, resting against the pillows and reading one of Jinora’s books.

“You don’t have to stay and keep me company,” Asami said when Korra plopped down next to her. She took the licorice stick that Korra offered. “You can go to church. I’ll be okay by myself.”

Korra shook her head and and threw her arm dramatically across her eyes. There was lots of stuff Asami didn’t know about her and it seemed like now was the time she was going to find out. “It’s not you,” she told her. “I had a bit of a disagreement with the priest at our church in Alaska when I came out.”

“When you—“ Asami looked confused. “But, you dated Mako—“

“I’m bi,” Korra cut her off. “It’s—okay. I have to tell you something.” She rolled over and spoke into the bedspread, her voice muffled. “When I was sixteen, I was dating this girl. She was bad news, but I really liked her, so I went along with whatever she wanted. One time we were drunk and having sex in her car and a policeman caught us. He took me home since it was my first offense to let my parents deal with me. But, it was a small town, so you can imagine everyone knew about it. The next day when we went to church, the priest said I couldn’t take communion unless I confessed and denied my ‘sinful disposition.’ I haven’t gone back to church since.”

Korra fell silent and waited for Asami’s response. She didn’t really believe Asami would reject her for her sexuality, but she also had no idea how she would react. She grew tenser and tenser until she felt a tentative hand on her back. Fuck. It felt nice to be touched so gently! What made it even better was that Korra was wholly aware how much it cost Asami to initiate touch. She’d never done it before. Ever. “That’s really unfair,” Asami said softly.

“Yeah,” Korra breathed, loath to break the spell that had descended upon them, but when speaking didn’t spook Asami, she relaxed. “If I’m being completely fair, I know it was just that one priest. I mean, he was within his rights to deny me communion, but most priests wouldn’t do that. It’s just…I can’t forget about it. Their beliefs are wrong and I can’t condone it. How can they tell me I’m more sinful than everyone else just because I’m attracted to men and women? It’s wrong and I’m not going to let them make me hate myself for something I can’t control.”

They lapsed into silence for awhile, listening as the four adults and four children loaded into two different cars for church. Asami finally asked, “So what did you parents do when the police brought you home?”

Korra let out a laugh. “My mom gave me a lecture about bad influences. She told me I was a better person than that. Then my dad talked to me about how alcoholism runs in our family. You know how I told you I don’t drink? Well, that was the last time. Oh, and the girl? The police arrested her and held her overnight; apparently it wasn’t her first offense. She came over the next day and dumped me. She said that there was no point in dating a goody-two-shoes if I couldn’t get her out of trouble. So lesson learned, I guess.” 

Asami’s had stroked cautiously up and down her back so softly that Korra had to suppress a shudder. “You’re so lucky,” she whispered. She didn’t have to say anything more for Korra to know she was talking about the reactions of Senna and Tonraq.

“I know.” Korra rolled over and entwined her hand with Asami’s. She caught a glimpse of Asami’s brokenness and had to squeeze her eyes shut against the pain. It was hard for her to understand how badly her friend was hurting. Maybe she could do something to lessen it. Maybe? Well, it was worth a shot anyway. “Listen,” she said slowly, formulating a plan in her mind. “Have you ever gotten to really say goodbye to your mom?”

“Just when my dad and I visited her grave.”

Well, that wouldn’t do. Obviously Asami couldn’t have spoken freely when he was around. “Then let’s go. You and me. Right now.” Asami looked conflicted; Korra could see she wasn’t sure what the benefit would be. “I’m not saying it will help, but it might.”

At that, Asami nodded, and before they knew it, they were off in Tenzin’s giant SUV. When they got there, Korra trailed after Asami as she led them to the grave. “Here it is,” she said, kneeling to brush snow off of the tombstone. “Yasuko Miriam Sato.” Korra stood there silently as Asami worked out what to say. “I really miss you, mom.” Korra could hear her choked breaths. Damn. This was hard. “Sometimes I get really angry that you left us. I know it wasn’t your fault, but things are so hard without you. Would you be proud of me? Would you have protected me?” Tears burned in Korra’s eyes, and she couldn’t take it anymore. She stepped forward to place a hand on the small of Asami’s back and Asami leaned into her. “You’ve been gone more than half my life and I’m still holding onto you like your memory could protect me. But it can’t because it’s just a memory. You’re gone. Maybe it’s time to let you go now. Goodbye, mom.”

Korra could feel Asami taking deep, steadying breaths beside her. How she remained dry-eyed, Korra would never know. “You know,” Asami said and Korra knew she was talking to her now. “Maybe it’s better that she died so she could escape. She told me a story one time when I asked why she let Dad hit her. She said her dad used to hit her mom. She said it was all she knew, that it was normal. Sh—she made me promise it wouldn’t become my normal too. That’s one reason I don’t date. I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep that promise.”

Ouch. Korra thought that until this moment, she hadn’t really known what it meant to feel her heart breaking. Not only was abuse Asami’s past (and her mom’s past and her mom’s mom’s past) and present, she also believed it would be her future. “Will you make me a promise?” Korra asked gently. She wanted to tell Asami to choose her, that she would help her heal and would never hurt her. But that would be tying fixing and love together, just like her mom warned her about. 

“Maybe.” Asami was smart enough to find out what she was agreeing to.

“Go to Counseling Services in the spring semester,” Korra requested. “If you’re scared of generational abuse, do something about it. Be the one to break the cycle.”

Asami nodded against her. “You’re right,” she sighed. “I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, ever since Tenzin mentioned it when he made me stay after class to talk to him. I’m going to fucking hate it, but I’ll do it.”

Korra nearly burst out laughing. It was the first time she’d heard Asami curse. But it wasn’t the time for that. “Great. You can bitch about it to me all you want as long as you go.”

That night they had dinner with the families and then lounged around watching Christmas movies. Rohan climbed onto Asami’s lap and immediately fell asleep, while Jinora—who was in her ornery teenage stage and usually refused to cuddle—curled up on her good side. Korra was on her bruised side, so she was careful to only put her arm around her shoulder. Senna and Tonraq flanked Asami’s feet, occasionally stroking her legs comfortingly. It was the first time since they’d picked up Asami that she smiled and laughed. Korra wasn’t naïve enough to think that all her problems were solved by a room full of love and talking to her mother, but she thought maybe it lifted some of the weight of the burdens she carried, if only temporarily. 

 

…

A few days after Christmas, Korra’s parents flew back to Alaska. This time Tenzin let her drive them herself, though she had a feeling it was because they had an early morning flight and he didn’t want to get out of bed, rather than a newfound confidence in her. As she hugged her parents goodbye, Senna said, “Take care of her for us.”

“I will,” Korra promised. “I’ll make sure she keeps fighting.”

Tonraq pulled back from their hug to look at her thoughtfully. “I think Asami has had enough fighting for a lifetime,” he said carefully. “It’s time to help her live, not just survive. Remember the proverb, ‘If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance?’”

“Yes,” Korra responded slowly. She did remember the proverb. She’d always liked it. It meant that when you took risks that could have catastrophic consequences, you should do it with style and have fun with it rather than worry about because you had an equal chance of falling either way. She just didn’t know how it applied here.

“Asami’s just stepped onto thin ice by running away from her dad. The risk has been taken, but she’s still fighting. You need to teach her to dance.” Tonraq gave Korra one last hug and then he and Senna got in line to go through security, but not before giving Korra a chance to smother Naga with love. 

For the whole two-hour drive home, Korra thought about what he’d said. It had hit her hard. Asami knew how to fight; she was good at it. The problem was Korra didn’t think Asami knew how to dance. How could she? Her whole life had been about survival. And really, that wasn’t living. Her dad was right about that. The question was how she could help Asami? Maybe she couldn’t. Maybe that wasn’t her place. Huh. Korra would have to think about this more.

 

…

New Year’s Eve plans had to be reworked now that Asami was staying with them. Korra had promised to hang out with Jinora so she wouldn’t be stuck with her little siblings. Asami had planned on going to a small gathering at Kai’s house. The new plan was for Korra and Jinora to join Asami’s party. Tenzin and Pema had to be convinced, but Korra had made a promise and she wasn’t about to break it. She swore up and down that Jinora would be by her side the whole night and that Kai’s parents would be there.

That wasn’t a lie. Ever since his brief stint as a trouble maker, his parents didn’t quite trust him. The only way he was allowed to do anything with friends on New Year’s Eve was if they came to the Phillips household. Asami and Kate weren’t really into partying, so a night of board games and movies suited them just fine. 

Despite the plans for a calm evening, Jinora was excited. Actually, she was pretty much bouncing up and down in the back seat of Tenzin’s car as Korra drove the three of them to the party. It was her first New Year’s Eve away from her family, which Korra had gathered, Jinora seemed to consider a right of passage into adulthood. 

When they got there, there was a lot of commotion over Asami’s face. It had been over a week since her dad had hit her, so the bruises were fading, but they were still very much visible. At first when Kai’s parents gasped after they opened the door and saw Asami, adrenaline shot through Korra. She was ready to fight, to defend her friend from whatever was happening. She’d forgotten about Asami’s bruises; as terrible as it was to say, she’d gotten used to them.

“Oh no,” Mrs. Phillips breathed, pulling Asami into a hug. Whether out of a reflex to uphold social norms or a genuine desire to reciprocate Korra didn’t know, but Asami hugged her back. “Did this happen when you ran away?”

“What?!” Korra demanded. 

Thankfully, before Korra could shout at the woman who had allowed her to accompany Asami, Kai came running up to the door, skidding on the hardwood floor. “Mom, can I talk to you?” Without waiting for a response, he gestured for the three girls to come in and he dragged his adoptive mother to the kitchen. Korra was relieved Asami had told her friends the truth about what had happened. Even if Mr. and Mrs. Phillips sided with Hiroshi, Asami would have Kate and Kai to defend her. Obviously Korra and Jinora would defend her as well, but Korra doubted the two of them would have much clout with people they didn’t know. 

Korra, Asami, and Jinora stood uncomfortably in the foyer until Kate came to greet them and ushered them into the family room. Asami had withdrawn again, barely responding when Kate hugged her and asked her how she was. 

“Okay.” Asami spoke so softly that Korra could barely hear her, despite standing just a few feet away. 

Kate pulled back from the hug to look at her skeptically. “No,” she said finally. “You’re not, but you will be.” 

Kai came running into the room and slid to a stop in front of them. Apparently he really liked hardwood floors. “Hi Asami. Sorry about that. I kind of forgot to talk to my parents about what happened, so they thought you ran away because that’s what your dad told everyone.” Asami looked stricken at that information. Korra imagined she did too. She hadn’t considered what Hiroshi would do now that Asami wasn’t there. “Relax,” Kai said, hugging her. “He had to tell people something. Most people think something else happened because his story didn’t really make sense.” He pulled away and greeted Korra before holding a hand out to Jinora. “Hi, I’m Kai.”

“Jinora,” she said. For the first time since Korra met her, Jinora was bashful. When Korra promised Tenzin she would keep his daughter out of trouble, she hadn’t considered Jinora would develop an instant crush on Kai. She didn’t think that would go over well with him and was kind of dreading him finding out. 

They spent the evening playing an intense game of Settlers of Catan, with Asami barely nudging out Korra to win. With a fire blazing in the woodstove and a room filled with laughter, it was a cozy way to usher in the new year. 

“10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…Happy New Year!!!” They shouted in unison with people all over the east coast. The next few minutes were filled with clinking glasses of sparkling cider and lots of hugs. Korra caught a glimpse of Kai delivering a quick kiss to the cheek to Jinora who blushed brilliantly. It took a good deal of willpower to not follow his lead and kiss Asami. 

Once the excitement faded, they curled up in sleeping bags in front of the TV and watched Disney movies until they drifted off to sleep, one by one. Korra and Asami were the last two asleep. As Korra’s eyes grew heavy, she turned to Asami and sleepily whispered, “Normally I think it’s stupid when people say stuff like this, but I have a really good feeling for us for 2016.”

Asami tore her eyes off of “Mulan” and searched Korra’s face to determine if she had any ulterior motive. Korra was glad she didn’t. “Really?”

“Yeah.” 

Asami’s slow smile was a great way to start the year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. They're honestly the best things ever.
> 
> Also, please excuse the long note. I think it will be my last one. This one I'd really appreciate if you read because it's important to me. It isn't relevant to the story, however, so it is not necessary. 
> 
> I wrote this chapter before the Episcopal Church got kicked out of the Anglican Communion over the issue of homosexuality. Yeah, it's a bit more nuanced than that, but it's the gist. The United Methodist Church will probably end up splitting in the next few years too. Catholics will go on with their discriminating until we get a pope that isn't so conservative; despite Pope Francis' rhetoric, he's not going to be changing anything for women or the LGBT population.
> 
> And the thing is, I'm so tired. So tired. Because it should be a non-issue and isn't. I live at this weird point of academia and the Church. And theology (words about God)/ecclesiology (study of the Church)/biblical scholarship (study of the Bible) which should be informing the Church isn't. It's stuck in the academy. That means there's a crap ton of books and articles about homosexuality, which could be helping people not feel excluded/guilty/sinful/etc., that virtually no one knows about. There's even been work done on how a third gender/transgender people existed in the Ancient Near East. And no one knows! But I do. I've read about it. Hell, I have chapters and articles on my computer from brilliant scholars. And I don't know what to do. I wish I could post them publicly without majorly violating copyright laws. I've thought about summarizing them on Tumblr, but that would take so much time and I don't know that I'd be able to get enough followers for it to be worth it (I love my three followers, but I'm honestly not sure why I have any). So that's where I am. If you have any suggestions, please share them.


	8. The Ups and Downs of Having Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In order to heal, Asami has to give up some of the control she has over herself, while Korra hangs on for dear life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

“Damn it, Korra! I told you you to keep her out of trouble!” Tenzin shouted when he found out the person Jinora had been texting so much was a boy she met at the New Year’s Eve party. 

Korra fought back a grin. “It’s not my fault!” she protested, trying to get Tenzin to believe she was taking this conversation seriously. “What was I supposed to do? Not let her talk to one of the four other people there?”

“If it kept her away from boys, then yes!” He seemed to realize how ridiculous that sounded and calmed down a bit. “She’s not allowed to date.”

“We’re not dating!” Jinora called from the next room over. Korra thought she was wise to stay away.

Tenzin began to puff up again in anger. Yep. Definitely wise. Thankfully Asami wandered in just then and Korra relaxed. No doubt Asami was going to defend her friend. “Kai’s not a bad kid,” she said calmly. 

“Does he or does he not have a criminal record?” Tenzin demanded, his arms crossed in defiance. 

“Well, yes.” Asami deflated a bit. “But that was over a year ago and he hasn’t been in trouble since. You should get to know him. He’s a really good kid. If you meet him, you’ll see just how loyal and caring he is.”

Tenzin blustered about, trying to find a way to protest Asami’s words, but reason had won out. “I’ll think about it,” he finally allowed.

And that settled that. Korra knew that Asami had just helped Jinora get her first boyfriend. Asami met Korra’s eyes and gave her the smallest smile. Clearly she knew it too.

 

…

Soon after, they returned to school. Asami was a lot busier this semester because Tenzin had helped her to get a job since she no longer wanted to rely on her dad for income. She’d called him a few days after she left home, but hadn’t shared with Korra what they’d talked about apart from saying she didn’t want him to be financially involved in her life anymore. So, Tenzin had made some calls and gotten her a job for the IT department. He’d even worked it out so that she’d be employed through that office rather than work study; this way she would get almost double the money. Plus, her experience with a variety of technologies made her overqualified for a work study position. It was good in a lot of ways, not least because Asami had to interact with more people. Korra knew it was difficult, but she figured it was good for her.

After they were back at school and had gotten through their first week of classes, Korra reminded Asami of her promise to make an appointment with Counseling Services. She’d reluctantly looked up the number and scheduled an appointment for the following Tuesday.

On that day, Korra rushed back to their dorm after track practice to hear how it went. But when she burst into the room and asked, Asami picked at her comforter, sheepish, and said, “I didn’t go.”

Her voice was soft and fearful, like she was afraid of Korra’s response, but Korra didn’t care. What the fuck? Asami’d promised to go! They’d talked about it that morning. But then she bailed? What the actual fuck? She was so disappointed in her and opened her mouth to yell, but the way Asami’s shoulders tensed and her hands balled into fists, preparing to fend off a physical assault changed her mind. Korra let out her anger in a huff. “Why?” she asked, her voice deliberately soft. Asami just shrugged and Korra felt her temper flare again. “No, don’t give me that. Tell me why.”

There. There it was. Sometimes Asami slumped, letting the tension out of her muscles. It only happened when they were alone and for the life of her, she couldn’t figure out what it meant. “You know,” Asami began quietly, “You’re the only person who’s ever asked that.”

Korra’s eyebrows rose, not sure what to make of that comment. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not the first person I’ve talked to about everything. In high school, I let things slip to friends—that I didn’t want to go home or that I wished I could move out. No one ever asked me why until you.”

“Really?” Korra couldn’t believe that. Well, okay. Yes she could. People were often self-absorbed. She could see them missing the subtle signs Asami was reaching out to them. It was probably that along with the weird belief that nosiness and curiosity are the same thing, which Korra always thought was stupid. There’s a difference between prying into things that are none of your business and asking a few well-placed questions in order to better take care of your friends and family. Then again, Korra kind of had a habit of ignoring personal boundaries. Maybe this was no different. 

Asami bit her lip and Korra could tell she was debating whether or not to share something. “Well, there was one person. I told a teacher everything and she referred me to the school social worker. He told me it was ‘normal teenage-parent discord’ and sent me to family counseling with my dad. I had to sit in a room and listen as the counselor and my dad told me I was acting out for attention. Then when we got home my dad broke my arm.”

“Fuck,” Korra breathed. No wonder Asami had bailed on her appointment today. “I can see why you didn’t exactly want to relive that experience.”

Asami nodded and let out a soft laugh. It sounded like relief. “Yeah.”

The cogs in Korra’s mind started rotating and soon she had an idea. “Make another appointment tomorrow and I’ll go with you.”

There was that slump again. After this discussion, Korra was pretty sure it was a mix of relief and disbelief that something good was happening. No. That wasn’t quite accurate. It was more like a reaction to the world becoming a little more bearable. “Really?”

“Sure.”

And so, a few days later, Korra found herself sitting with Asami in front of a Japanese woman in her late fifties who introduced herself as Izumi. “I’m a little confused as to why there are two of you here,” she said, glancing down at her appointment book. “I thought I was seeing an Asami Sato. Did I misunderstand?”

“No,” Korra chimed in, not waiting for Asami to say anything. She had something to say and this Izumi was going to listen to her. “I’m her roommate. I’m here to tell you that when she tells you about what her dad did to her, you need to believe her. People in the past haven’t and she’s not going to go through that again.”

Izumi raised an eyebrow at Korra’s words, but she didn’t take her eyes off of the cowering Asami whose face had turned bright red. Once Korra was done with her tirade, Izumi turned to her. “Thank you you for your concern,” she said mildly. Korra was impressed at how patient she managed to sound. “But I think if I’m going to get an understanding of what’s going on, I’ll need you to please step out. You’re welcome to wait outside.”

Korra knew a dismissal when she heard one, so she squeezed Asami’s shoulder to attempt to quell the panic she saw in her roommate’s eyes and sat down in the waiting room. A half hour later, Asami emerged looking lost, but when Korra asked about how it went, she just shrugged and said, “Fine.”

Later, after Korra had turned out the lights for the night, Asami spoke in barely more than a whisper. “She reminds me of my mom.”

 

…

Asami didn’t really talk about how counseling went, but Korra could always tell. Over their months as roommates, she’d gotten rather adept at reading Asami’s emotions. Sometimes she would be quiet for the rest of the day. Sometimes she would go back to flinching at small noises. Sometimes she would have more than one nightmare a night—nights when she woke up gasping four or five times were kind of terrible. But sometimes her eyes were a little clearer and her back a little straighter, like twenty pounds she hadn’t realized she was carrying had just been lifted from her shoulders. On those days, Korra felt a little lighter too.

A few weeks after Asami had started counseling, she and Korra were sitting on their beds, snacking, and watching “30 Rock,” their current show of choice. “Can I ask you for something?” The words burst out of Asami like she’d been working up the courage to ask them and had to get them out before she lost her nerve again.

Korra glanced up in surprise and paused her PS3. “Uh, yeah. Of course.”

“Izumi and I have been talking about feelings a lot. Well, I mean how I don’t really have any feelings. She thinks that’s bad and wants me to start trying to figure out how I’m feeling. She said I should try to find someone I trust who’d be willing to ask me a few times a day. Since you already know why, I was hoping you would do it.” She said this all very fast and it took Korra a minute to process it. She clearly didn’t process quickly enough because Asami jumped back in. “It’s okay. You don’t have to. I don’t want you to feel obligated or anythi—“

“It’s okay,” Korra broke in. “I’ll do it. I want to do it.” And the thing was, she really did. Because despite her mother’s warning about not falling in love with someone you want to fix, Korra kind of couldn’t help it. It wasn’t exactly that she wanted to fix Asami; she just wanted her to be okay. No matter how many times she reminded herself it was too soon and that Asami might not even like girls, Korra knew she was falling in love. Hard. Because Asami was so great. She was witty and interesting and so, so beautiful. And above all, she was kind. She was never cruel or petty and Korra loved that about her. “So, how are you feeling?”

Asami gave her an enigmatic smile that Korra didn’t know how to read. Then she closed her eyes in thought. Korra couldn’t help but watch her. Eventually, she sighed and said, “Relieved that you said yes, mostly. How about you?”

“Me?” Korra asked, surprised. “That wasn’t part of the deal!” She exaggerated her teasing tone so Asami would know she was joking. 

Asami let out a laugh and flipped her hair over her shoulder. “Fair’s fair.”

“Fine.” Korra heaved a dramatic sigh. “I’m feeling tired from practice. I’m also feeling really proud of you for asking because I know that couldn’t have been easy.”

The soft smile Asami gave her was enough to make Korra melt. Instead of saying something stupid, she hit play on their show.

During the next few days, Korra began to understand why Izumi gave Asami this assignment. Asami never had a ready answer when Korra asked how she was feeling. She always had to think about it for a long time. Korra had always thought people knew how they were feeling at all times, but apparently not.

Another thing she discovered was that Asami’s predominant emotion was anxiety. Obviously Korra had known Asami was prone to anxious moments—the flinching and hiding under the bed had confirmed that—but she hadn’t known Asami was anxious pretty much all of the time. It explained her reluctance to make friends and her strict adherence to her various routines. 

So, it didn’t really surprise her when Asami came back from counseling one day with the news that Izumi wanted to put her on antianxiety meds. Korra kind of thought that might be a good idea, but Asami was fuming, so she refrained from sharing her opinion. Asami steadfastly refused to take anything that would alter her brain chemistry or that had a chance of taking away even a modicum of her control. Korra couldn’t get even a word in edgewise as she watched Asami pace around their room, ranting about how Izumi was so off base and didn’t understand her. 

When she paused for a breath, Korra jumped in. “Do you think she’s wrong?”

“What?” Asami asked, her eyes flashing in Korra’s direction.

“Do you think Izumi’s wrong about you having an anxiety problem?” 

That seemed to give Asami pause. “I—well—no. It’s not that. I just don’t want to take medicine.”

“Did you tell her that?”

“Yeah. And she suggested yoga.”

Korra let out a laugh before she could stop herself. “Sorry,” she said, fending off Asami’s glare. “Somehow I don’t think you doing yoga in a room full of people you don’t know is going to help with the whole anxiety thing.”

“Thank you!” Asami exclaimed. Now that Korra was at least partially on her side, she was able to stop her pacing and flop down on her bed. “She also suggested exercise and gave me breathing exercises to do.”

This was making less and less sense. If Asami had a solution, why was she still so worked up? It wasn’t about the diagnosis, the medicine, or yoga. Was it exercise? But that didn’t make sense because Asami had been an athlete in high school. “So why can’t you just go for a run everyday? Hey! You could join the track team!”

And then Asami let out a sob. And then another one. Korra just gaped at her from where she sat on her bed. What the fuck? Asami never cried. They’d had numerous conversations about how it had been like seven years since she’d cried. What the fuck?! Should she leave? Some people preferred to cry alone. But then Asami was gasping for air and Korra had to do something, so she slid across the floor in her socks and jumped up onto Asami’s bed to pull her into her lap. “Hey, hey. It’s okay,” she said in a soothing voice. Korra hummed as she rocked with Asami. She had exactly no idea what was going on, but Asami was clinging to her and she wasn’t gasping so much anymore. Eventually, Asami’s sobs subsided and she wiped her nose on her sleeve, but she still didn’t speak or try to move away from Korra. “What happened?” Korra asked quietly.

Asami didn’t say anything for so long that Korra was pretty sure she wasn’t going to answer, but then she said, “It’s so stupid and so minor compared to other things that happened. God. I never cry and this is what I break down over? I’m so stupid!”

“It’s not stupid if it’s how you feel,” Korra said, her cheek pressed against Asami’s hair. She wondered what on earth this could be about.

Asami sighed and said, “I’ve never been good enough for my dad. The only time he told me he was proud of me was when I did something that should have been impossible—like when I won that national science fair or this one time when I ran a cross-country race on a stress fracture and PR’d. Most of the time, he told me I wasn’t good enough, especially in sports. He told me I was lazy and a detriment to my team. Sometimes he would make me stay late after practice and run more. When I got injured a couple of times from overtraining, he said I was faking it and made me run through it. My body still aches from those injuries. Korra, my dad has such a hold on me that he’s even in my bones!” 

Asami started gasping again and Korra held her tighter. “You’re okay,” she said, her lips next to Asami’s ear. “Breathe with me.” When Asami didn’t seem to hear her, Korra touched her face with gentle fingers. “Hey. Breathe with me. Okay?” 

Asami nodded and sucked in ragged breaths in time with Korra’s. She calmed down much faster this time. “Sorry. Anyway, that’s why I hate running now. Every time I try I hear my dad in my head.”

Korra nodded. Finally this all made sense. “So that’s why joining the track team isn’t going to help. What about walks? You and I can go on walks every night after I’m done with practice? Maybe Opal and Bo can join us.”

“That actually sounds really nice,” Asami admitted. She still hadn’t made any move to pull away from Korra’s arms. “But I don’t want to impose on you.”

Korra shook her head, Asami’s long hair tickling her face. “I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t mean it.” She should probably let go of her roommate now, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. It felt too nice. And Asami didn’t seem to mind. She thought about what Asami had said about her dad being in her bones. As soon as Asami had said it, she got this image in her head of Hiroshi spending years slowly grinding down Asami’s essence and reforming it into something else. It was a disturbing thought. She couldn’t imagine how terrible it would be to feel like she couldn’t escape from the person who had abused her—to never know if the thoughts in her head were her own or her dad’s. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Asami asked after awhile. 

“Sure.”

“Why are you always so nice to me? I mean, I—I always feel like I’m such a burden because you’re always taking care of me. Don’t you ever get tired of it?” Asami spoke slowly, carefully. 

Korra’s stomach clenched. Asami had given her the opportunity to confess her feelings of more than friendship. But she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t risk it. At least not yet. “You’re my friend,” she said simply, wishing she had the freedom of complete honesty. “I don’t get tired of it because you deserve so much more than you’ve had in life.” Asami was silent for a long time. “What are you thinking?” Korra asked because she couldn’t stand not knowing. 

“That I don’t understand you.”

Korra couldn’t help but smile a bitter smile at the knowledge that Asami couldn’t understand love. “Wouldn’t you be there for me if I needed you?” She phrased it rhetorically, but the truth was that she really wanted to know. Could she count on Asami? Did Asami care about her?

“Always.”

 

…

Kate’s recruitment visit was kind of a letdown. She spent most of the time with the cross-country team, which Korra and Asami understood; that was kind of the point of a recruitment visit. However, she did stay overnight with them, so at least Asami got to see Kate for a little while. That was pretty great. The three of them stayed up late eating cookies Kate’s mom had sent them and watching movies. Korra desperately hoped Kate decided to come to school here because she was so good for Asami. 

Unfortunately, the whole visit was tainted by an event that happened in the morning, right before Kate left. It started when Asami asked what had changed at school since she’d graduated. Kate told a couple of funny stories, which was fine and well, but then she said, “So, you know how your dad told everyone you ran away?” Asami nodded, her mouth a tight line of tense lips. “Well, Kai and I made sure people know the truth. All of the kids are on your side.” When Asami’s mouth fell open and she gaped at Kate, Kate lost some of her confidence. Clearly she had thought Asami would be pleased. Korra watched all of this occur, mildly horrified but extremely intrigued. “That’s good, right?”

Slowly, Asami shook her head and let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t want there to be sides, Kate. I don’t want people to hate him. I don’t even want people to know!” Uh oh. She was starting to get angry. “God! I don’t want people to know! They’ll just pity me and I’ll become the poor abuse victim. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be that!” Korra stepped forward to put a calming hand on Asami’s back; sometimes that helped her keep control. Asami took a deep breath and continued less manically, which was good because Kate had taken a step back, frightened by Asami’s outburst. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I just want this to be over. If the whole town hates me and sides with my dad and I can’t go home, that’ll suck. It’ll really suck, but it will suck worse if everyone turns on him. What will he do then?”

Korra stared at the side of Asami’s head in disbelief. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the same expression on Kate’s face. “After everything he did, how can you have compassion for him?” Kate whispered, stealing the words right out of Korra’s mouth.

“Because he’s my dad. He’s been a terrible father, but I’ve seen the person he can be. I haven’t forgiven him, but if he could always be that person, I might be able to someday. I just—I don’t want to hate him forever.”

“You’re a much better person than I am,” Kate murmured. Korra agreed; she was all for hating Hiroshi forever. Kate shook her head, astounded at Asami’s words. “Did you ever think that maybe he could be that person if he got help? And to get help, someone might need to make him?” Asami shook her head mutely and Korra knew that was the truth; Asami had never considered it. “Well, anyway, I just wanted to let you know that the students are on your side and that enough parents have complained that the school decided they had to do something, even if the accusations aren’t official. They sent your dad to counseling. I don’t know what will come of it, but I figured you needed to know.”

Kate left soon after and Asami was quiet for the rest of the day. When Korra left for track practice, she had a feeling Asami would crawl under her bed pretty much the second she was gone. She didn’t even bother to turn on the light when she got back and immediately joined Asami. To be honest, she was really glad Asami was under there or she would have felt rather silly. “What are you feeling?”

Asami shook her head and sought out Korra’s hand in the darkness. This was new, but Korra wasn’t complaining! “What if it’s a trap?” she asked. “What if he pretends to change and I forgive him and he hurts me again?”

“Asami,” Korra said slowly, clearly. This was important and she needed Asami to understand her. “You don’t have to forgive him. You. Don’t. Have. To. Forgive. Him. Ever. It doesn’t matter if he changes and sacrifices himself to save the world. You don’t have to forgive him for what he did to you. You can keep him out of your life forever and you won’t be wrong. None of this is your fault.”

Korra could hear Asami’s sniffling in the deep darkness. Under the bed, Korra could barely make out outlines of even the wooden frame. When Asami groped for her, desperate for more contact, Korra couldn’t see her, but she could feel her. Without a second thought, Korra held her tightly. Asami’s emotions had been exceptionally turbulent ever since Izumi had insisted she start working on them. In hindsight, Korra supposed it was to be expected, but she hadn’t been prepared to see Asami in tears almost every day or to hear her snap at Kate. Even if she hadn’t expected it, she was going to meet Asami where she was. And if needing a hug was where she was, Korra was her girl. 

“Really?” Asami asked in a small voice. “That wouldn’t make me a bad person?”

“No. It would mean you were taking care of yourself.”

They stayed in the dark under the bed until Korra’s stomach rumbled audibly, signaling dinner time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for answering my question from last week. I'll work on compiling a list of sources after I get through my lecture on Tuesday. 
> 
> "Always" was my tribute to Alan Rickman.


	9. Sometimes Things Turn Out Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra's big mouth nearly gets her in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

Over the next two months, Asami’s emotions stabilized somewhat. She was less likely to cry or lose her temper over small things. More importantly, Korra found that when she asked Asami how she was feeling, she was less likely to say she was feeling anxious. Because she was more comfortable in general, Asami had also started making more friends. It seemed their nightly walks were helping. Sometimes Opal, Bo, or one of Asami’s other friends would join them, but Korra’s favorite times were when it was just the two of them. On those nights they would talk and joke and plot world domination. It was on one such occurrence that Asami told Korra that a guy she knew from class had asked her on a date for that Friday and she’d accepted. 

Korra’s heart sank. She knew the guy in question, he’d come on several walks with them, and she couldn’t fault Asami for agreeing. He was tall and blonde and beautiful and an overall sweetheart. He was just the kind of guy Asami needed. Still, Korra couldn’t quite muster up the excitement Asami deserved. “That’s great!” she said, shooting for enthusiastic but hitting mildly pleased. When Asami just shrugged, hope seeped its way back into Korra’s chest. Maybe she didn’t actually like this guy. Could she ask? Let’s face it, she was totally going to ask. “Do you like him?”

“Not really,” Asami said, giving Korra a sheepish smile. “Izumi thought it was a good idea. I still don’t get the whole ‘liking’ someone thing, but I figure that unless I want to spend my life alone, I have to get some sort of dating experience. You know, like trial runs to test out what works and what doesn’t, though I suppose too many variables exist for it to be an entirely valid or reliable scientific endeavor.”

This was an interesting development. Asami was babbling about science things. She only did that when she was nervous. The thing was, Korra was starting to suspect that Asami might like her back, even though Korra was certain Asami didn’t fully know it herself. Asami wasn’t a particularly touchy feely person, and while she pulled away from almost everyone who so much as brushed against her, she actively sought out physical contact with Korra. But it wasn’t the time to push her on that. Asami needed to figure this out for herself. “What’s making you nervous?”

“I—well—” Asami broke off with a shake of her head. “I’ve never been on a date before and I don’t know what I’m doing. What if I do something stupid or totally taboo because I don’t know how social norms work on dates?”

Korra opened her mouth to offer reassurances. “We could go on a practice date on Thursday.” Shit! Shit! That wasn’t what she meant to say!

Asami stumbled to a halt on the sidewalk. “What?” she gasped. “You and me? Are you serious?”

Okay. Well, okay. At least Asami hadn’t completely rejected the idea or laughed it off, so Korra’s big, stupid mouth hadn’t completely screwed her over. “Uh,” Korra managed, the paragon of eloquence. “I—yeah. I’ll take you on a date and we’ll do date things and if you do something really terrible, I’ll tell you.” Great. Now she was babbling.

“Um, okay,” Asami said, her face the brightest red Korra had ever seen it. Some people looked cute when they blushed. Asami was not one of them. She turned into a tomato and Korra loved it.

 

…

And so, Korra spent the week frantically planning a practice date for Asami. It was unsurprisingly difficult. It had to be somehow different from just hanging out as friends and yet Korra couldn’t make it too romantic, no matter how much she wanted to.

Okay, she could do this. “Ready?” Korra asked Asami when she got back from track practice around six. 

“Yeah,” Asami said, hopping off her bed. Good, she’d dressed casually like Korra had told her. “Where are we going?” she asked curiously. “Dinner and a movie?”

As Korra pulled on a clean t-shirt and flannel over shirt with shaking hands, she realized she needed to get a grip on herself. So she resorted to her old tried and true method: humor. “Korra’s first rule of dating: the person planning the date should tailor it to the person, according to how well they know them. Dinner and a movie is okay if you don’t know someone, but that would be lazy on my part. We’re going to play laser tag because I know you’ve never gone.”

“Really?” Asami gasped with genuine excitement and Korra knew she’d chosen well. 

“Yeah. We’re going to be Han and Leia and take down stormtroopers masquerading as a bunch of ten-year-old kids. You’ll love it!” This plan had actually taken a lot of consideration. Her first idea was to go skiing, but that shit was expensive! Then she remembered a conversation she’d had with Asami about laser tag. At first she thought they’d be on opposing teams, but because of Asami’s history with her dad, the thought of aiming a gun at her—even a toy laser gun—made Korra sick. There would be no elements of violence in their relationship, no matter what type of relationship they had. 

Tenzin had lent her his car, so they bundled up to brave the below freezing temperatures, and sprinted to where Korra had parked it in front of their dorm. “Korra’s first rule of dating: the date always gets to pick the music,” she said, gesturing to the radio, fighting back a sly grin as she watched confusion etch itself into Asami’s face.

“But—wouldn’t that be the second rule?” 

“Korra’s first rule of dating: I make the rules! They have my name in them, for Pete’s sake!” 

Asami just huffed and turned the radio to a pop station. Korra bit back a groan, but to be fair, there weren’t many options in their tiny town. When they parked outside of Zero Gravity Laser Tag, a typical laser tag place with a large dome connected to an arcade, Asami made to get out of the car. “Wait!” Korra exclaimed and she bolted out of the driver’s seat and sprinted around the front of the car to open the door for Asami. She may or may not have slid on a patch of black ice and nearly died (she definitely did). “Korra’s first rule of dating: the person who does the asking opens doors for their date,” she gasped out, massaging her side, which had gotten stretched beyond comfort in her effort to not face plant.

This time Asami rolled her eyes. “You’re being ridiculous.” She may have sounded serious, but Korra caught the hint of a smile on her lips. 

Together they made their way inside and Korra paid for a laser tag game for them both (Korra’s first rule of dating: the person who does the asking for the first date pays; this rule is negotiable, but not tonight). It turned out her prediction was right; the group they were playing with was pretty much exclusively a bunch of kids who looked to be about ten years old. Based on the party hats and the cake back in the arcade, it was probably a birthday party. As they were suited up with the vests and guns, the bored teenager in charge repeated the rules for what was probably the thousandth time: No running, no climbing, no physical contact, no blocking the sensor. Korra had to hide a grin when she glanced at Asami and saw her sitting up straight, listening with rapt attention. She was more excited than the kids!

Before long, they left the equipment room and entered the arena. Green and blue lights outlined the bridges, poles, and bases. They led the blue team to their base and as the countdown began, Asami flashed a blinding smile in Korra’s direction, her white teeth bright in the black lights. 

The fifteen-minute game was over before Korra could register what had happened. She had flashes of memories like when she and Asami worked as a team to take down kids whose aim was no better than stormtroopers (in episodes 4-6, that is). Or when Asami walked a little kid whose gun was malfunctioning to a staff member to get her a replacement. But her favorite memory was when a little boy had a clear shot at Asami and she dove out of the way, somehow managing to shoot him in the process. It was the most hardcore thing Korra had ever seen in a laser tag game.

After they returned their equipment and walked back into the arcade, Asami turned to grin at Korra, her face flushed and strands of sweaty hair stuck to her forehead. “Thank you! This was so much fun!” She pulled a hair tie off of her wrist and swept her long hair into a low ponytail. 

Korra’s heart skipped a beat. She didn’t know how Asami was always so beautiful. A lot of the time she was really put together and it made sense, but right now she was kind of a mess and she was still the most beautiful person Korra had ever seen. Maybe it was her completely genuine demeanor. Some people put on airs, but Asami never did when she was with Korra. “Y-yeah,” Korra managed to get out when she realized she hadn’t answered. “Of course! Do you want to get dinner at the concession stand?”

“Sure,” Asami said, suddenly bashful. She had clearly picked up on the beyond obvious fact that Korra had been staring stupidly at her. 

Unfortunately, the concession stand was swarming with kids. “Pizza?” Korra suggested instead. She remembered seeing a pizza place in the same shopping plaza.

“Absolutely!” Asami sounded relieved. She’d gotten better about it, but she still wasn’t a huge fan of crowds or loud noises. The arcade had both. As they waited for their pizza, Korra grabbed drinks while Asami claimed a booth. “So what now?” Asami asked as Korra slid into the seat across from her. Korra couldn’t hold back the sly grin. “Oh my God,” Asami groaned. “Enough with ‘Korra’s first rule of dating!’”

“Korra’s first rule of dating,” Korra said, waggling her finger at Asami. “Always try to get to know your date better, but keep the topics light.”

Asami got a thoughtful look. “Okay. Hmm…well, why are you a business major?”

A laugh escaped Korra before she could stop it. It was a reasonable question, but entirely out of the blue. Plus, had they never talked about this before? “What do you mean?” 

“It just seems like a weird major for you. I would think you want to do something to help people. N-not that being a business major means you’ll like run people over or anything. I just meant—”

In a risky move, Korra reached across the table and pried Asami’s hand from the death grip she had on her plastic cup. “Hey,” she said, entwining their fingers. She tried not to panic as Asami’s eyes grew wide. God, she’d held Asami’s hand so many times, so why did this feel so different? She wasn’t sure, but it did and Asami knew it too and for a moment she was certain Asami was going to pull away. But if Asami was anything, it was brave, and she set her jaw and held on. “Relax. There’s no need to be nervous. That’s Korra’s first rule of dating.” The shy smile Asami gave her provided her just enough confidence to not let go. “Anyway, I want to open an outdoors store—like hiking, skiing, and camping and stuff. I’ve always liked being outside, so it seems like a good option. Buuuut you weren’t wrong. I do want to help people. I want to employ people who have just gotten out of prison. A lot of times it’s really hard for them to find jobs, which means they end up committing another crime and going back to jail.”

This time Asami’s smile was genuine. “That’s awesome.”

“What about you?”

“I want to run a Fortune 500 company. I’m going to build a tech company from the ground up. We’re going to sell the best products and not screw over our customers or employees. And I’ll be in control.” Asami shrugged self-deprecatingly. “It probably won’t happen, but that’s my dream.”

The pizza showed up then and Korra squeezed Asami’s hand one last time before she let go so they could eat. “It will happen,” she said with absolute certainty. If there was one thing Korra was sure of it was Asami’s abilities. And by now Korra knew Asami would fight tooth and nail to gain control over her own life. 

Later, when they got back to the dorm, they hovered outside their room uncertainly. Asami shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. “I’m not—I mean, I’ve never—”

“Can I kiss you goodnight?” Korra broke in more to stop Asami’s stammering than anything else. It was something she’d been considering all night. She knew Asami hadn’t kissed anyone before, and she suspected that was what she’d been trying to get out without much success. Asking to kiss her was risky, sure, but not much riskier than asking her on a date or holding her hand. 

Asami blushed. “Is that okay on a first date?”

If anyone else had been asking, it would have been flirtatious, but Korra knew Asami was sincerely unsure of herself. “It’s really up to you. I usually go by how well I know a person and how comfortable I feel with them. It’s okay to refuse when it doesn’t feel right.” Please say yes! Please say yes!

“But what if it makes things weird between us?”

“Korra’s first rule of dating,” Korra said, raising her arms defensively to fend off the playful shove Asami dealt her.

“I thought we were done with that!”

“Korra’s first rule of dating,” Korra repeated with a grin. “Dating always involves risks. You have to decide which ones are worth it.”

Asami bit her lip, considering, and then nodded. “Okay. You can kiss me.”

Whoa. Korra had been hoping for that answer, but she certainly hadn’t expected it. Okay. Okay. She could do this! Korra reached a hand out slowly and cupped Asami’s cheek, giving her time to pull back. When she didn’t, she leaned forward and caught Asami’s bottom lip between her own. Korra felt Asami stiffen—it wasn’t entirely surprising. It was her first kiss after all; she needed a chance to figure out this whole kissing thing. So Korra bumped her nose into Asami’s and kissed her again. This time Asami responded with clumsy lips and trembling eyelashes that fluttered against Korra’s face. It was perfect. 

Sooner than she liked, Korra stepped back, though she kept Asami’s hand in her own. “You did really well tonight, Asami. Just be yourself tomorrow and it’ll go great,” she said softly, hoping she could allay the fears this “date” was meant to. When Asami didn’t react, she watched her stunned roommate closely. “We okay?” she asked.

Asami just nodded; her mouth seemed to be glued shut and her feet cemented to the floor, though her eyes were opened so wide Korra was pretty sure they were stuck that way. 

Well, that was a relief. At least Asami didn’t hate her. So why did Korra feel a sudden churning in her stomach? And why did it get worse and worse as she got ready for and collapsed face first into bed while Asami was in the shower? Why did she do this? Why was she so stupid? She knew her feelings for Asami went far beyond friendship, while Asami’s didn’t and yet she kissed her anyway! She should have listened to her own damn advice! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! She let out a groan just as Asami came back from the bathroom.

“Are you okay?” Asami asked. Korra didn’t look up, but she could hear Asami throwing her dirty clothes in her hamper and putting away her toiletries. 

Korra obviously couldn’t say, “I’m regretting kissing you when I have no idea how you feel about me, but I’m totally in love with you.” So, instead, she went for a solid lie. “Too much pizza and Coke.”

“That’s no good.” Asami sat down on the edge of Korra’s bed and stroked her back, her shower-warmed hand soft even through Korra’s t-shirt. “Can I get you Tums or anything?”

Korra couldn’t help the hum of pleasure that escaped at Asami’s unexpected touch. Hopefully she wouldn’t think too much of it. “No thanks. I think I just need to sleep it off.”

Korra’s last thought before she fell asleep, Asami’s hand still on her back, was her first prayer in a long time: “God, please let her love me back.”

 

…

The next day, when Asami had her date, Korra joined the track team on a trip to the indoor track conference meet. It was a couple of hours away, and since Korra was a heptathlon athlete, she had to stay overnight for Friday and Saturday events. The meet went pretty well. If anything, throwing herself into competition was a way for her to forget her romantic woes. It seemed to have worked. She got second, anyway.

In the late afternoon on Saturday, after the awards ceremony, Korra was gathering her belongings, ready to get on the van to go back to school. “Korra!” she heard a familiar voice call.

Korra looked up and saw Pema waving at her. “What are you doing here?” she asked, running over to pull the woman into a grateful hug. She’d been totally bummed that her parents hadn’t come to watch her. It was way too far to travel, so she understood, but it still kind of hurt a little. It was her first major meet without them there. Seeing Pema pulled her out of that funk.

“Your mom made me promise to drive out here to record your events so they didn’t miss everything,” Pema said with a laugh. Korra’s heart soared. So her parents would get to see her compete after all! “What do you say I take you home? We can stop and get something to eat on the way.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Of course not. I have to get home anyway and I’ll drive right past the school.”

So Korra joined Pema for the three-hour drive back to campus. At first they talked about the meet and school, but before long, Korra brought up the topic she was dying to talk to someone about: her feelings for Asami. She poured out all of her fears that went back to her mom’s comment about not falling in love with someone you want to fix.

Pema asked a few clarifying questions, then said, “I think you might have misunderstood what Senna meant.”

“What do you mean?” It had seemed pretty straightforward to Korra. You shouldn’t fall in love with someone whom you’re trying to help.

“I think she was probably referring to a pretty common phenomenon. When someone shares a lot of their emotional life with you and you become invested in it, it’s hard not to fall in love with them. That in and of itself isn’t the problem. The problem comes when they’re at a more stable place and don’t need you as much. It shifts the balance of the relationship and it’s hard for it to survive. It’s one reason why people in helping professions like counselors and social workers have such high rates of divorce. It’s also why pastors frequently have affairs.”

Korra frowned. “So what are you saying?”

Pema let out a laugh and Korra knew she hadn’t hidden her frustration particularly well. Thankfully Pema wasn’t offended. “I’m saying I think Senna was warning you against falling in love with Asami because you want to help her. She didn’t mean you have to choose between loving her and helping her. You can do both as long as the basis for your love isn’t your desire to help her.”

A ten-pound stone felt like it was removed from Korra’s stomach. “Really?”

“Honey, Asami has the same needs as any other eighteen-year-old girl. She needs to be loved and touched, just like you. Abuse may have made it harder for her to understand and express these needs, but they’re there.”

If Pema was right, and Korra planned on calling her mom momentarily to confirm, it was safe to acknowledge her feelings for Asami. It was safe to admit to herself she loved her! Granted, she didn’t know if Asami felt the same way, but at least she wouldn’t have to hide from her own feelings anymore.

When Korra got back to her dorm that night, she and Asami caught up over the past few days. Korra shared details about her track meet and her second place finish, all the while wanting to demand to know how Asami’s date went. She needn’t have worried. Asami told her it was incredibly awkward and they decided they were better off as friends.

Short of Asami openly declaring her love for Korra, the night couldn’t have ended any better!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The responses from last chapter totally blew me away. That said, I know this chapter is a little bit of a change of direction. It's been planned for awhile. I'm not abandoning the plot. Just go with me on this? 
> 
> Also, the list of LGBT and religion resources is posted on my tumblr (http://balagantamim.tumblr.com/). Don't feel obligated to follow me; it's just long so I don't want to post it here.


	10. Trying to Begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mako almost screws everything up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

“Yo, Mako, are we still on for this Friday?” Korra called as she ran to catch up with him after practice. She, Kuvira, and Mako had planned on celebrating their three second place finishes at their conference meet. None of them had times (or points in Korra’s case) good enough for Nationals, so their indoor track seasons were over. 

Mako turned around and looked at her, confused, but then he smacked a hand to his forehead. “Sorry Korra! I forgot we had plans and I asked someone out. We’re going to dinner.”

Korra groaned. “Maaaakoooo! We had a plan!”

“I know, I know, I know. I said I’m sorry! What about Saturday? We could celebrate then? I’ll pay if it keeps you from holding a grudge against me.”

Aha! That’s what Korra liked to hear. “Deal! Saturday it is! Who are you going out with anyway?”

Mako turned red. He was an interesting case study when it came to blushing. It started at the base of his neck and slowly worked its way upward. “Uh, Asami. I asked her earlier this morning and she agreed.”

Korra’s nearly stopped. “How—how do you even know her?”

“She’s in one of my classes this semester and she’s hot. Man is she hot!”

It took all of Korra’s strength not to punch him where he stood. Instead, she took a deep breath and growled, “You idiot!”

“What? Me?!” Mako exclaimed in disbelief, coming to a halt outside of the caf. “What did I do now?”

Korra deflated. He was right. How was he supposed to know she was desperately in love with her roommate? It’s not exactly like she went around shouting, “Hey! I’m in love with Asami!” And while Bolin and Opal probably knew on some level, Mako wasn’t around Asami and Korra at the same time enough for him to have been able to pick up on it. Besides, she couldn’t exactly fault him. Asami was really hot. “It’s just—forget it.” Korra turned and walked away from Mako in defeat. 

“Wait! Hang on!” Mako grabbed her by the arm and spun her around. “Oh my God! You like her!”

“It’s not—” Korra tried to protest, but quickly gave up in a huff. Mako was waggling his eyebrows at her and grinning like a fool. “Fine, okay. I like her. I like her a lot. And you asked her out!” She punched him on the arm to emphasize her point.

Mako was unfazed by her assault. “Does she like girls? Is everyone on this campus bi?!”

That was the question, wasn’t it? It had been months and Korra still didn’t know if Asami was attracted to women. She told as much to Mako.

“Wow, that’s rough, buddy,” he said in commiseration. “I’ll cancel with her.”

“No!” Korra nearly shouted. “Don’t do that. What will you tell her? ‘I have to cancel our date because your roommate is in love with you and I don’t want to get in the way?’ Hell no. You have to go on the date. Just make sure it’s only one date.”

Mako nodded. “Okay, I can do that. I’ll only make out with her a little,” he swore solemnly.

“Mako!” Korra shrieked. When he burst out laughing, she punched him in the arm, but quickly gave him a giant hug. “Thank you! I owe you!”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll think of something. A lifetime of servitude or the right to name your firstborn child. I don’t know. Something reasonable like that.”

With damage control in effect, Korra ran to her dorm to grab Asami for dinner.

 

…

The next day, Korra raced to her dorm after classes to pick up her textbooks and spend a few hours in the library. The track team required ten study hours a week for all freshmen students and anyone under a certain GPA. Korra’s GPA was fine, but because she was a first year, she couldn’t get out of them, no matter how much she pleaded that she never got any work done in the library and they were essentially making her waste ten hours a week. 

She opened the door and was met with a pair of fists in her face. She yelped in surprise as she leaned back just in time. “Whoa!” she said when she realized it was just Asami.

Except Asami was the least violent person she’d ever met, and come to think of it, her eyes were kind of vacant. By this point Korra was pretty sure Asami had PTSD, but she hadn’t really ever had the flashbacks most people think of when they think about PTSD. Sometimes the memories were really strong in her mind, which made her seem kind of spacey, but she was always at least halfway present. So this was new.

Asami blinked heavily a couple of times and looked at her hands like she’d never seen them before. “S-sorry,” she stuttered, stumbling back. “I’m sorry. I was heading to my night class and I didn’t expect you to come back.”

Korra slowly reached out and took her hands; they were freezing. Now that she looked closer, Asami was shaking. She couldn’t let her leave in this state. “Hey, do you have to go to class tonight?”

“Why?” Asami still looked pretty out of it, kind of like she was shocked, but at least she was responding to Korra’s questions.

“I think we should ignore all of our responsibilities for tonight and have a Disney movie marathon.” It was the first plan that popped into her head, but it seemed to be as good as anything to keep Asami in their room. At this point, she wasn’t sure if Asami left that she would be able to find her way to class or back to their dorm. 

Asami just nodded, so Korra gathered snacks from their bin and set up the PS3. When it was ready, Asami still hadn’t moved from where she stood by the door. Korra wasn’t sure exactly what was happening or what to do. She settled on her usual plan with Asami: cuddling. So she led Asami to her haphazardly made bed and pulled a blanket over both of them. Without question, when Korra’s arm went around her, Asami leaned into her. It took awhile, but she eventually stopped shaking.

“Do you want any Cheetos?” Korra asked about ten minutes into “The Emperor’s New Groove.” She’d realized she had been hogging them.

“No,” Asami said, tearing her eyes away from the TV. “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

That got Korra’s attention. The last thing she wanted was for her comforter to be covered in vomit. She leapt out of bed, ready to pull Asami with her, but her roommate just shook her head and shifted out of Korra’s grasp. “C’mon, Asami! At least let me get the trashcan.”

“Korra, I haven’t thrown up since I was ten. I said I feel like I’m going to throw up, not that I’m going to.”

Oh. Well now she just felt foolish. But not foolish enough to not climb back into bed. She settled herself back against Asami’s side. “Seriously? You haven’t thrown up since you were ten?!”

“No,” Asami said softly. “It…the last time I threw up I had the stomach flu. I used to like being sick because it was one of the only times I could guarantee my dad would be nice to me. I’d been feeling better so I didn’t think there was any risk, but then I accidentally vomited on the couch. My dad made me clean it up after he smacked me in the face. He told me I was too old to make that kind of mistake, that I had to take care of myself from then on.”

Wow. Korra didn’t know what to say, so the only thought she had spilled out of her mouth. “You were just a little kid.”

Asami shrugged and sighed heavily. It had been some time since Korra had seen her look so helpless. “Sometimes I still feel like that little kid. Every time I think I’m getting better, everything gets so messed up and I fall apart.”

“What do you mean?” Korra asked. “You are getting better. You’re doing so much better.”

Asami shook her head sadly. “I don’t think so. What happened tonight…it scared me.”

Korra took that opportunity to put her arm back around Asami. “Were you trying to defend yourself or were you going to hit me?”

Asami refused to look at her. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “It wasn’t something I thought about. I was just startled and my fists went up before I could remember where I was. Shit, Korra. It scares me to know how much control he still has over me. What if it never goes away?”

“It will,” Korra promised. “I know right now it seems scary because you’ve had a bad day, but you really have been getting better. You don’t hide so much anymore. And you smile now. You never used to smile.”

Asami seemed to relax after that. “Thanks, Korra.”

“Do you mind if I ask if something triggered this?”

Asami heaved a heavy sigh. “Probably.”

“Do you want to tell me?”

“My dad called me today.”

Korra’s arm tightened around Asami. As far as she knew, Asami hadn’t talked to him since that phone call over winter break when she decided she didn’t want to be financially tied to him anymore. “Has he called you often?”

Asami shook her head. “No,” she said, her voice choked with unshed tears. “I haven’t heard from him since he started counseling.”

“What did he say?”

“He told me it’s time to forgive him. That he’s changed. That there’s no reason for me to stay away from him anymore. He told me to forgive him.”

“Oh, Asami,” Korra breathed. She leaned her head against Asami’s. “What did you say?”

“That I wasn’t ready and needed more time. Then…then h-he told me he’d raised me better than this. He told me he’d raised me to forgive and forget, and that he was disappointed in the person I’ve become, that I used to be strong and independent. Now I’m weak, afraid, and that I’m just your puppet.”

Korra reached out with a tentative hand and brushed away the tears that had carved tracks into the tiny, invisible hairs on Asami’s face. “That’s not true. You’re so strong. If he’s disappointed in you, that’s his problem. Actually, pretty much all of this is his problem and now he’s dealing with the fallout.”

“What if he’s right, though? What if forgiving him would make me strong?”

“Forgiving him right now would make you stupid,” Korra said bluntly. That was harsh, but it was the truth and Asami needed to hear it. “He’s still trying to control you. Keeping your distance right now keeps you safe.”

Asami nodded, her face still resting in Korra’s hand. “That’s what Izumi said last week.” She seemed relieved with that reminder. 

“You know I don’t think of you as a puppet, right?” Korra asked. It seemed like an absurd question, but she had to make sure. By now her face just inches from Asami’s. It took all of her strength to not glance down at Asami’s lips. 

“I know that. That’s what made me know he was lying.” Asami fell back against Korra’s pillows, breaking the intensity of the moment. Korra didn’t know whether or not it was intentional, but she couldn’t help feeling disappointed. 

Korra fell back beside Asami and they watched the rest of the movie. Only when it was over and they’d retreated to their own beds, did Korra say, “You’re safe with me. I won’t ever hurt you.”

As soon as she said it, she regretted it. Of course she’d hurt Asami. That’s what happens when you interact with people. Friends hurt each other; lovers hurt each other. It doesn’t have to be catastrophic, but it is a part of life. Asami must have understood what she meant—that she’d never abuse her or be cruel to her—because she said, “I know.”

Despite the fact that Korra’s words seemed to ease Asami’s pain, her roommate still had a rough night. Four nightmares, nightmares Asami said were too close to reality for comfort, yanked her from sleep, gasping, pulling Korra along with her. 

 

…

Since the indoor track season was over for Korra and the outdoor meets hadn’t yet begun, she had a free Friday night. Normally that would mean hanging with friends, but all of her friends had dates. That included Asami and Mako, the date she was most concerned about. Unable to settle her nerves by watching TV or messing around on her computer, she decided to do laundry for the first time in a month. It wasn’t as bad as it sounded, though. The school’s laundry service washed all of her track clothes. So it was really just her jeans and the shirts that weren’t track related. And her sheets. Okay, that part was kind of gross.

So she spent the next couple of hours doing several loads of laundry and reading for the following week’s classes. It wasn’t super exciting, but it served to keep her mind off of the fact that the girl she was in love with was currently on a date with her ex boyfriend. When she had lugged all of her laundry back upstairs to her room, it was still only 9 o’clock. That sucked. There was no way Asami would be back before 11, which meant she had to entertain herself. So she showered and then buried herself under her covers to watch “Parks and Rec” on her computer. Sometime during the second episode, she fell asleep. When the door opened, she sat up in bed. 

“Hey, how’d it go?” Korra asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes to try to wake up. She was really curious to know, but right now it was hard to escape the lure of sleep.

Asami shrugged and sat down on her bed with a huff. “It was weird. I thought Mako really liked me, but he told me we couldn’t go out again.”

“Oh,” Korra replied. It was hard to try to sound innocent. “Why?”

“That’s the weird part. He said it was because James likes me. As in James, the guy I already went out with. Since he and I are about as compatible as peanut butter and mayonnaise, that means Mako’s lying. But why would he lie? If he didn’t like me, he could have just said so.”

Shit! Stupid Mako! What a moron! He lied to Asami and ended up picking the one person in the world who absolutely didn’t like Asami! Great, and now that Korra hadn’t responded, Asami was looking at her strangely. And then she frowned, realization dawning on her face. “Unless he was protecting someone else…” Asami said slowly. “Korra, do you like me?”

“What?” Korra gasped out; she was suddenly hot all over. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. 

“I don’t know!” Asami said, jumping up from her bed and pacing around the room. “You’re so touchy feely. You’re the only one who ever touches me and I don’t know what that means! I can never tell if you’re flirting with me or just being friendly. I’m so bad with interpreting these things.”

She broke off and stared at Korra, waiting for a response. What was she going to say? What could she say? Asami had asked her directly. Dammit. This could ruin everything. But she couldn’t lie to her. As much as she wanted to avert her gaze, she forced herself to meet Asami’s eyes. She deserved that much. “I like you.” 

Asami sat back down on her bed and nodded slowly. “Okay,” she said, her voice soft. “Okay.”

Okay? What was Korra supposed to make of that? At least it didn’t seem like Asami hated her. Except she also wasn’t making eye contact with her or saying anything. So that wasn’t great. “Do—do you like me?” Korra asked tentatively.

“I still don’t think I know what that means,” Asami said sadly. 

Well, at least it wasn’t a no? She could work with this. “Do you care about me?”

“Of course I do.”

“Do you like when I touch you?” This was a hard conversation to have without touching her, actually. But for now they had to stay on their respective beds.

Asami’s face turned red. “Yes,” she admitted sheepishly. “A lot.”

“Do you get butterflies when you think about me?”

“I—”Asami broke off and glanced at Korra before looking away again. “I don’t know. It’s more that I feel like me when I’m around you, that I feel safe to be me when I’m with you.”

Korra couldn’t hold back a grin. Not to put too fine a point on it, but that actually sounded like more than a crush. “I can’t speak for you, but it seems like you like me, too.”

Asami shrugged helplessly. “Maybe. It’s just—I’ve never really felt this way before and I don’t know what it means. With everything that’s happened with my dad—” She broke off and shook her head. “I can’t understand why you like me. I don’t even like me!”

Those words hurt Korra in a way no others ever had. “How could I not like you?” she retorted. “You’re the bravest, smartest, wittiest, most beautiful person I know. Everything you do is so unbelievably amazing.”

“No…I know I’m—I didn’t mean…I didn’t mean that how it sounded.”

Well, that was confusing. “So what did you mean?”

“I, um, I guess it’s that…I didn’t really expect to live to be eighteen.” Asami sent a panicked look in Korra’s direction and hurriedly continued. “I don’t mean I was going to kill myself or anything. Although…never mind. I just mean that I didn’t really want to live anymore. It was too hard. And I thought that for some reason that would be taken into consideration and I’d die before I was eighteen. I know that sounds crazy, but that’s how I felt. And now I’m eighteen and I don’t know what to do because I never planned to live this long. I never planned on having feelings for someone. And I feel so confused.”

“That’s okay, you know,” Korra said softly. It was hard to hear, but not altogether surprising based on other conversations they’d had. “I still think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.”

Asami gaped at her, astonished that Korra could feel the same after hearing what was probably one of her darkest secrets. “But…that’s you.”

Korra had heard the word “lighthearted” many times in her life. Until now, though, it hadn’t had a literal significance. Now she understood what it meant to feel like your heart could take flight at any moment, carrying your body along with you. “I don’t see why it can’t be both of us!”

Asami laughed, but quickly grew serious again. “Can you be patient with me while I figure this out?”

Korra grinned. This was so much more than she could have hoped for. “Asami, as long as you don’t shut me out, I’d pretty much wait forever for you to be ready.”

“Yeah?” Asami asked bashfully.

“Definitely.”

Asami’s eyes shifted around the room in a nervous fashion. “We can still do stuff, though.” 

Well, that was bizarrely cryptic, but hopefully she meant what Korra hoped she meant. “Like what?”

“You’re going to make me say it?” she asked, blushing so hard.

“Yup.” Because Korra did not know what she meant and now seemed like a really bad time to start assuming. 

Asami sighed, her face still red, but she met Korra’s eyes. “I like hugging you and being close to you. And…and I’d really like to kiss you again.” 

Damn. Asami had so much more guts than Korra. But she would start slow. “Can I hug you?”

“Of course.”

It was a hug filled with so many emotions, the mix of emotion that normally only Asami was capable of, despite her inability to sometimes articulate it. Asami brought desperation and relief that someone she trusted cared for her, that she might not have to spend her life alone. And Korra brought love and joy and more than a little relief that she didn’t have to hide her feelings from Asami anymore. Thus, their night ended with a long embrace and smiles on their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends. Thanks for your all of your comments and kudos and support. It's been a weird couple of weeks and you guys have helped make things better and more normal.


	11. Asking for Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra discovers Asami struggles with more than just the abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

When they woke up the next morning, Asami was quieter than usual. Korra didn’t think much of it—sometimes she still had days where she was trapped in her head, particularly after a bad night—but when Asami was still quiet that evening, barely saying a word through dinner, Korra started to feel panicked. What if Asami was having doubts about the promises she’d made the night before? But, really, Korra hadn’t put any pressure on her. They’d left things open, more open than Korra would have liked, but it had seemed necessary. Asami knew how Korra felt about her and now it was up to her how they would proceed. Of course, Asami didn’t know how she felt about Korra, and that was the complicated part. With that convoluted thought process out of the way, Korra decided to give her space. Maybe Asami was just having an off day.

But the next day she was still quiet and seemed even more downtrodden. After dinner, the first time they both had free all day, Korra couldn’t take it take the silence anymore. “What are you feeling?” she asked with a crooked smile. They hadn’t kept up with that routine quite as often, but whenever Asami seemed off, Korra would pull out the old question.

They were walking on the sidewalk down a residential street in their small town. A warm front had melted some of the layers of snow, so they walked through rivulets of water that ran into the street. Without looking up from the ground, Asami said, “I’m not sure you really want to know.” 

“Please don’t shut me out,” Korra said softly, trying to mask the fear that was coursing through her. 

Asami looked up quickly, clearly Korra’s attempt was futile, with desperation in her eyes. “I wish I were straight,” she admitted, her voice laced with tears. “Sorry. I’m so sorry. I know that you don’t want to hear that. Not after—not after the church thing. But I do. I wish I were straight.”

“Oh.” On the one hand, that really hurt. It really hurt to know that Asami wasn’t okay with her own sexuality and consequently might not be okay with Korra’s. On the other hand, it was to be expected. Of course Asami was struggling with this. It had to be hard to spend your life not experiencing attraction, but assuming if you did it would be toward the opposite sex, only to find your first crush (probably, that is) is someone of the same sex. So maybe there was no need to freak out. Korra decided to get clarification. “Can you tell me more?”

“It’s not you. I mean, I don’t have a problem with non-straight people in general.” Asami stumbled over her words in relief that Korra was giving the opportunity to explain. That was actually kind of sad because Korra knew Asami well enough by now to know she sometimes had trouble expressing herself, especially when it came to feelings. It felt like Asami should know that too. “It’s just—it’s different when it’s me.”

Korra nodded. “Yeah. I get that. I’ve been there. I think most ‘non-straight’ people have been.” She couldn’t resist poking fun at Asami’s formal phrasing.

“Shut up,” Asami said with an eye roll. “I didn’t know how else to say it.”

“Is there something else behind it?”

“Ever since I was little my dad—“ 

Korra had to hold back groan of despair Asami’s words. Of course it was about her dad. Of course it was. She tuned back in in time to hear Asami say, “So I guess it’s that I heard that being gay is a choice so many times that I kind of…I don’t know, internalized it maybe. I know it’s not a choice and I know it’s not wrong and I don’t have religious convictions that tell me it is, so it’s not like I feel guilty. I just feel…weird.”

“You feel like your foundations have been shaken, like the life you imagined for yourself fell away and now you’re not sure what to expect,” Korra said. 

Asami came to a halt and looked at Korra in astonishment. “How did—“

“I told you. I’ve been there,” Korra said. She threw her head back to look up at the darkening sky. “God, you should have seen me the first time I realized I had a crush on a girl. I sobbed for like three days straight. I did have religious convictions and I did feel guilty. So I refused to tell my parents what was wrong because I thought they’d tell me I was going to Hell.”

“So what happened?” Asami grabbed Korra’s hand as they started walking again. Maybe it was to comfort her, but she suspected her story made Asami a little more comfortable with herself, just enough that she could take Korra’s hand because she wanted to.

Korra squeezed her hand, fighting a grin at their interlaced fingers. “On the third day, my mom and dad came into my room and lay on my bed with me. They told me over and over again how much they loved me, that no matter what was wrong they would always love me. So I told them about the eighth grade girl. I was in seventh grade, so she was an older woman.” 

Korra glanced out of the corner of her eye in time to see Asami clap a hand over her mouth to hide a snort at the thought of a twelve-year-old Korra crushing on an ‘older woman.’ Without thinking, she dropped Asami’s hand and wrapped her arm around her shoulders, tugging her close. “Oh,” Asami breathed out, causing Korra a few seconds of dread at her stupid impulsive habit of showing physical affection. But it was okay because the next moment, Asami tentatively snuck her arm around her waist. She looked down at Korra with a shy smile. “You know, I’m taller than you.”

“What’s your point?” 

“My arm should be around your shoulders.” 

Korra sniffed, pretending to be offended. “Whatever.” She leaned her head against Asami’s shoulder, which made them both stumble and burst into laughter.

“Are you going to finish your story?”

Well, that was the goal, but it was hard to think with Asami holding on to her and giving her a flirty smile. “Um…”

“You told your parents you had a crush on an older woman…”

Oh yeah. “Right. So I told them about my crush, expecting them to drag me off to church to have me exorcised or something…maybe not the most reasonable thought, but it was what I was afraid of at the time.”

“But they didn’t do that,” Asami concluded. 

“Nope. They told me it was normal, that I wasn’t going to Hell. The next day they bought me a bunch of books, and when I was more comfortable, they helped me get involved with an LGBT group in the community, well, the only LGBT group in the community. But what I loved most was that they spent that first night with me in my bed because they wanted to make sure I was okay.” Korra caught a glimpse of Asami’s face and her stomach dropped to her feet. She looked anguished and it was all her fault. “Shit. I’m so sorry, Asami. I didn’t think about that before I said it.” Korra spun Asami and wrapped her in a tight embrace, her fists grasping the back of Asami’s winter jacket. 

She could feel Asami’s slow, steady breaths against her neck. “It’s okay,” Asami said after a few beats of silence. “I asked. It’s—I love hearing about your parents. It’s just—it seems so unfair I never had a chance to experience that.” She spoke into Korra’s shoulder. 

“It’s not fair. And it never will be because you won’t get that chance back. But I promise you if you’re ever upset, my parents would comfort you just like comforted me. And so would I.” Korra felt like they’d had this discussion before. Because they had. Numerous times. But it was something Asami continued to need to hear over and over. Korra always made sure to validate Asami’s feelings and provide her hope that things could be different in the future. That things would be different in the future.

“Thanks,” Asami murmured.

It was a funny thing, really. Whenever Korra reassured Asami, her roommate never agreed with her. She would thank her and sometimes nod in acknowledgment, but she never said, “I know,” or “You’re right.” Korra was pretty sure that meant Asami didn’t believe her. Then again, how could she? How could she believe people would care for her, especially parental figures, when she spent almost her whole life afraid of her father, knowing with certainty that she wasn’t worth it? That wouldn’t do. 

“I really do mean it,” Korra said sternly, pulling back from the embrace to look Asami in the eye. “Whenever I say my parents or I would be there for you, it’s not just a hypothetical future event. I mean that right now we would literally or metaphorically lie next to you just to make sure you’re okay.”

Asami gave her a hard stare. It was the look of someone determining whether or not let Korra in as if it were a matter of life or death because, really, in the past it was. People often talk about someone letting down their walls, but Korra had found that was inaccurate. Asami had rows of cavalry followed by a battalion of infantry, two walls with a moat in between, not to mention the archers and solid walls of an impenetrable castle that protected her. Korra had made it to the moat, and it seemed Asami was trying to decide if she was safe enough to allow into the castle grounds. 

“Really?” Asami asked, hedging her emotions by speaking slowly. Korra knew Asami would keep control of herself no matter what because for some reason this was a risky conversation for her.

“Really.”

Asami nodded to herself, looking past Korra. “Okay.” She nodded again. “Okay. And if I needed that, how would I let you know?”

Korra reached up and ran her thumb underneath Asami’s tired eyes. “You could always try asking,” she said with a smile. It was sweet in a devastating sort of way that Asami was taking such a roundabout way of trying to get the support she needed. “You just have to call my parents and ask to talk to them. Or you could ask me for a hug or whatever.”

Asami took a deep breath, but couldn’t quite hold back the few tears that escaped and ran down into Korra’s hands. “Okay. So if I called your mom...?”

“She’ll say she’s glad to hear from you,” Korra finished. 

“And if I tell her what I just told you…?”

That gave Korra pause. She actually didn’t know what her mom would say. “Um…she’ll say something super wise and comforting.”

Now Asami was looking at her again, looking at her with an intensity that drew Korra in, closer and closer until their lips met. Their second kiss was more coordinated than their first. This time Asami was expecting it, and while she still trembled, she had the confidence to reach out to thread her fingers through Korra’s hair. It was messier, too. When Korra pulled back, she could feel Asami’s lipstick smeared on and around her lips. Although the peal of Asami’s laughter was a good clue, too. 

The next day after practice, Korra went back to their dorm to get Asami for dinner and heard the tail end of the conversation. “Bye, Senna.” Asami didn’t look at her when she came in, but Korra figured she just needed a chance to process the call. Giving a her a few moments was the right decision because as they were walking to dinner, Asami opened up. Well, kind of. She told Korra that she’d talked to Senna and that it had helped. 

Even better, she somehow mustered up the courage to ask Korra if she’d sleep with her that night.

Korra nearly pulled an abdominal muscle trying not to laugh at the phrasing, but she knew how much it cost Asami to ask. Instead she kept her promise and agreed. That night they slept in the same bed, Korra lying next to Asami so she would know she was loved.

 

…

Ever since winter break when Korra found out Asami didn’t have a license because her dad hadn’t allowed her to try for one, Asami had been taking online Drivers’ Ed classes and practicing driving with Tenzin. With spring break approaching, everyone agreed it was the perfect time for her to take the test. She was more than ready. That girl drove like she was born to be behind the wheel. The only problem was that she would need her social security card, something she hadn’t thought to grab from her dad’s house. 

And so, that was how Korra ended up running twice the mileage her coach had assigned her for spring break while Tenzin and Asami went to Hiroshi’s house to pick up her card. Tenzin had offered to go alone, but Asami insisted on facing her father. The worst part was that Tenzin refused to let Korra come along because, as he said, he thought she lacked the decorum to keep the situation from escalating. Needless to say, Korra was pissed. Although he was probably right. She totally would have yelled at Hiroshi, something that she hadn’t yet gotten the chance to do.

When she was finished, she drowned her concerns in a hot shower at Tenzin’s house. She ignored Ikki and Meelo who wanted her to play some sort of game with them. It looked like they were building a fort out of sheets, which ordinarily she would have been excited about, but not today. Asami was usually a complete disaster after she had any contact at all with her dad. Most of the time it didn’t take actual contact; even reminders of him were enough to mess her up for days. 

Tenzin’s voice drifted up the stairs and under the bathroom door just as Korra was rinsing the conditioner out of her hair. Three minutes later, she ran into the kitchen, still slightly damp. Toweling off completely would have taken too long. Except Asami wasn’t there and adrenaline shot through her. “Where’s Asami?” she all but demanded, not even trying to hide the ferocity in her voice. 

“Up in your room,” Tenzin said, his eyebrows raised in mild surprise. “Are you all right?”

“Uh…yeah.” The terror had left Korra, though the aftershocks of adrenaline were still making her heart pound. “How did it go?”

Tenzin poured himself water from the tea kettle and submerged a teabag. “It was fine. Hiroshi asked to speak to Asami alone and she refused. He apologized to her for what he had done. Apparently he’s been going to counseling and he’s starting to realize how badly he hurt Asami and her mom.”

“Do you think he’s telling the truth?” Korra was less than willing to trust Hiroshi. His supposed goodwill meant pretty much nothing to her.

“He seemed sincere.” Tenzin took a sip of his drink. “Maybe you should ask Asami what she thinks.”

Right. Korra had gotten distracted. “Thanks, Tenzin.” She ran back upstairs. “How’d it go?” she asked, launching herself onto the bed beside Asami. Korra was nervous, but Asami tended to feed off her Korra’s emotions, so she had learned to appear at ease even if she didn’t feel that way. 

“It was okay,” Asami said. She gave Korra a genuine smile, so it seemed to be the truth. “He told me he was sorry. This time he didn’t say anything manipulative when I told him I hadn’t forgiven him. He said he understood. I think if Izumi agrees, I might agree to talk to him more often.”

Korra didn’t like that at all, but it wasn’t her right to intervene. Except…they were kind of dating, right? So maybe she was allowed to voice her opinion. She settled for asking. “Okay…can you not talk to him alone?”

“Oh, of course not,” Asami said quickly, taking Korra’s hand in hers. “I meant I would talk to him while I’m with Izumi. I know I’m not ready to talk to him alone. I still don’t trust him that much.”

Korra couldn’t stop herself from kissing Asami fiercely. “God, you’ve grown so much,” she breathed when she pulled back. “You’ve always been strong, but now you’re unstoppable.”

Asami looked at Korra adoringly. “You’ve always been a superhero,” she said. 

This time Asami leaned in for the kiss. And damn! It was way more of a make-out kiss than any of their previous kisses. Asami’s tongue was in Korra’s mouth. Alert! Asami’s tongue was in Korra’s mouth! Maybe a little bit too much, actually. Korra quickly remembered Asami was inexperienced and took control. Just as Asami’s hands started to wander down Korra’s back, Pema called them for dinner. 

“Damn,” Korra whispered against Asami’s lips. She kind of wanted to keep kissing Asami forever. Maybe more, but not yet. 

“I know,” Asami laughed, kissing Korra a final time before extricating herself from where they lay entwined on the bed. God, she was so sexy, especially now that she seemed more connected to her body. Before she always seemed so disconnected from it that it made her look stiff and awkward. She was much more at ease with herself now. 

But she was still such a dork! “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Korra jumped up and closed the bedroom door Asami was trying to open. When Asami gave her a less than impressed look, Korra steered her to the mirror to see her reflection. Asami’s hair was sticking up all over the place and she had lipstick basically from her nose to her chin. Korra didn’t look any better. 

“Oh my God.” Asami turned bright red. “I almost went downstairs like this.”

Korra snorted. “Yeah. Good thing you have me.”

“Yeah,” Asami murmured thoughtfully. “Good thing I have you.”

Oh, and her license test? Yeah, Asami totally slayed it. She didn’t have a car, but at least she wasn’t the only one of their friends without a license anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, team! I forgot to update this morning. Then I got caught up with grading fairly terrible papers, making pita and shawarma, and Skyping with a friend. Sorry!
> 
> So, there's this quote from a fantasy novel ("The Wizard Heir" by Cinda Williams Chima) that says: "I have to think it's possible to suffer a great wrong and walk away from it. To build a life of small, exquisitely important moments." I wholeheartedly love this quote and I hope this sentiment is coming across in this fic. It's not that we can walk away unscathed, but that we can move forward without the past always defining us. That even if terrible things happen and we might not always be or even end up where we want to be, we still live life. Because the life that happens in the small moments is equally if not more important than the big moments.


	12. Finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra and Asami sort out some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

Korra hated the idea of Asami talking to her dad again. She really hated it. Things had been going so well and she was so afraid Hiroshi would mess everything up. She knew Asami would keep her word and only speak to him when she was with Izumi, but it still concerned her enough that she was lying awake at two in the morning, listening to Asami breathe where she slept in her bed across the room. Korra had been worrying about this for weeks, ever since spring break when Asami had raised the possibility. Asami had sounded so confident that Korra couldn’t bear to share her concerns with her, even if they were kind of dating. And that was another thing. Korra still didn’t know where they stood. She’d tried to talk to Asami about it, but after gentle pressing, Asami had admitted she still wasn’t ready to call it a relationship. She was still confused about her feelings and was terrified of dating someone because she had it in her head that if they started dating, Korra would turn into an abuser. Apparently she was talking about it with Izumi. But not with Korra. Korra let out a heavy sigh and Asami stirred.

“Korra?” she asked, sounding wide awake. Asami always went from asleep to wide awake in about half a second. It was something Korra both envied and pitied. She sat up in her bed and squinted in the dark. “Why are you awake?”

Shit. She hadn’t meant to wake Asami. And now Korra would have to tell her what was going on because she had a personal policy not to lie to her. “Can’t sleep. Too busy worrying.” Korra couldn’t stop the tears from leaking out of her eyes and filling her voice. She’d just been keeping all of her feelings trapped inside for so long and she couldn’t deal with it anymore. Asami was so much stronger than she was.

“Korra,” Asami breathed, suddenly standing above her. She gently shoved Korra to get her to make room for her in bed. “Talk to me.” 

Korra’s rolled onto her side and allowed Asami to climb into her bed and press herself against Korra’s back. With Asami spooning her, nuzzling her face into Korra’s shoulder, Korra cried harder. In a choked voice, she said, “I’m worried about you talking to your dad. And I’m worried you’re going to decide you don’t want to be with me. And maybe that your dad will make you decide you don’t want to be with me. I just…I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Asami kissed Korra’s bare shoulder. Korra always slept in beaters because she tended to run warm and the school was overzealous with the heat, which was entirely superfluous in mid-March. “Korra,” Asami began. She sounded cautious. “You don’t worry have to worry about those things. Yeah, my dad might say things that upsets me, but I’m not going to give him the chance to really hurt me anymore. Izumi and I have talked about it. We’ve set up boundaries. The only time I’ll talk to my dad is when I’m with her and he’s with his therapist. It’ll be on speakerphone, so she or his therapist can hang up if he’s mean. And…it’s not that I don’t want to be with you. I want a relationship with you, but I don’t want you to have to take care of me all the time. I want it to be equal.” Asami took a deep breath. “Wait for me. I’m almost ready.”

That was the closest she’d gotten to a promise. For tonight, it was enough. Korra groped in the darkness for the arm Asami had wrapped around her. “Okay,” she agreed. With Asami’s hand entwined with her own, she was finally able to fall asleep.

 

…

But of course it wasn’t that simple. Because as they both found out, the change in Hiroshi created a problem neither Korra nor Asami had planned on. At first things seemed to be going well. Sometimes Asami was quieter after talking to her dad, but mostly she seemed stronger. That was kind of a weird observation, but Korra didn’t know how else to think about it. When they first met, Asami was like a seed, tightly packed, with nothing getting in or out in order to protect herself. Then as Korra met her, she started to spout, ever so slowly, which left her vulnerable to assault, but it also meant hints of her personality started to show. Now she was like sapling whose roots had taken and from which the beginnings of a tree were growing. Korra knew it would be some time before she had the durability of a fully grown tree, but still, Asami was getting there. But then she collapsed from within, a fungus taking hold and rotting her from the inside out. And of course, it had everything to do with Hiroshi.

For the past couple of weeks, Asami had been growing more and more agitated. It was little things, mostly. When their neighbors were being noisy, she pounded on the wall. When her printer broke, she picked up a textbook and chucked it across the room. And once, the caf ran out of pudding and she nearly cried. 

It all escalated one morning in early April. Korra accidentally knocked over Asami’s open water bottle and Asami exploded. “Damn it, Korra! Why can’t you be more careful? I’m so tired of cleaning up your messes!”

Korra was taken aback. Asami hadn’t ever snapped at her before. After two weeks of dealing with Asami’s increasing anger, Korra was done. “That’s it!” she snapped back. “What the fuck is going on with you lately?”

“I’m done with this!” Asami exclaimed, collapsing to the floor and putting her head in her hands. 

She must have really been upset to sit on the floor because Korra couldn’t remember the last time either of them had swept, but that really wasn’t the point. The point was the Korra was confused because Asami was being super unspecific. “Done with what?”

“Everything. I’m so fucking done with everything. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of life. I’m so angry and I’m so tired of being angry. I want out of this. I’m done.” 

The despair in Asami’s voice was so deep that it surrounded around Korra and pulled her to the floor beside Asami. Down on the floor, Korra could see just how distraught Asami was and adrenaline kicked in. Her refined posture was abandoned, a defeated slump in its place. Even her normally wavy hair seemed flatter than usual. Korra was not going to lose Asami. That was not an option. “What’s going on? Did your dad say something?”

“No.” Asami lowered her hands from her face in favor of leaning against Korra’s shoulder. It soothed Korra’s heart to know Asami wasn’t entirely unreachable. “If he were mean to me, I’d know how to handle it. But he’s been nice. And I don’t know what to do.” 

“Sorry, Sams, but you’re going to have to give me more than that. I’m missing something important and I don’t know what you mean.” Korra had learned that if she didn’t push a little, Asami might never get to the point. And it seemed like getting to the point could potentially be a matter of life and death.

Korra could feel Asami nod against her shoulder. “I know,” she said softly. “I’m not sure how to say it.”

“Just try.”

“Okay.” Asami fell silent and Korra knew she was thinking. But as long as she could feel Asami’s breath against her neck, she didn’t mind. Well, that and as long as she got to her 1:00 class on time. But that was hours away. “My dad’s been really nice lately.” Asami’s voice broke into Korra’s musings. “He asks me how I’m doing and he actually seems to care. And it doesn’t seem like he wants to use my feelings against me. He’s…like a regular dad. Normal. There’s no mind games. He’s not angry. He doesn’t even mention those things. We just talk about school and sometimes my mom. He talks about missing her. Izumi hasn’t once had to warn him or hang up on him. And I just…I…did I make it all up? Did any of it really happen? Am I going crazy?”

Korra didn’t know what to say. She believed Asami when she said Hiroshi wasn’t messing with her. Well, she trusted Izumi to know what that was happening, at any rate. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t still unintentionally hurt Asami. And it didn’t mean he’d changed for good. Changing after nearly twenty years as an abuser had to be difficult. Either way, it didn’t change how Asami was feeling right now. “No, Asami. You didn’t make it up. Of course you didn’t. I remember all of the stories you told me. About how he would beat up your mom. And how he had impossible standards for you to live up to. And how he made people think you were the one who was crazy when you tried to tell someone. I remember.”

“Yeah, but I was the one who told you all of that. How do you know I didn’t make it up?”

“Because people don’t make up abuse,” Korra responded easily. “And because I’ve seen all of the ways you’ve adapted in order to survive. I’ve seen you hide under your bed when the memories are too close. I’ve woken up with you countless times when you had nightmares. You didn’t make it up. It all happened. Even if he’s nice to you now and never mentions the abuse again, it still happened.”

Asami let out a sharp breath, a burst of air that tickled Korra’s neck hairs. “Thanks,” she murmured. “I want to believe that. I’m trying to believe that. It’s just hard right now.”

“I know it is,” Korra said. She reached over and brushed Asami’s hair back behind her ears. “I’ll keep reminding you as often as you need me to.” It felt weird to promise her kind of girlfriend to remind her that she’d been abused, but hey, if that’s what she needed, Korra would do it. 

“Thanks.” Asami stretched her head up a bit so she could brush her lips against Korra’s neck.

Korra tensed for a moment, less because of the kiss, and more because of what she was about to say. “I love you, you know.” She kept her tone casual so Asami wouldn’t freak out. But she should have known better.

Asami froze for half a second and then jumped away from Korra. She was on her feet and nearly out the door before Korra registered what had happened. Fuck. “I can’t date you.” Those were the only words or acknowledgment Asami gave her confession. And then she was gone.

 

…

Korra spent the next two hours trying to call Asami, and when that didn’t work, her friends, to try to track her down. She needed to know Asami was okay. No one knew where she was. So Korra scoured the campus, checking all of the places she could think of. She tried the computer lab, the library, and in a moment of desperation, the caf. That was a stupid idea. Then she was struck with certainty. She knew where Asami was. Korra ran to the tree they had climbed all those months ago. Asami would be sitting in the tree and Korra could apologize. But when she got there, she was alone. Asami wasn’t there. Korra fell to the ground and cried. What was she going to do now?

Somehow she managed to pull herself together in time to go to class and after that, track practice. She kept her phone on her, even doing her workout with her phone in her hand, just in case Asami called. And at four o’clock, she finally did. She checked the ID and breathed a sigh of relief. It was Asami. Thank God. The phone shook in her hands as her nervous fingers tried to swipe the screen to answer. She broke off from the group of girls she had been struggling to keep up with throughout their 400 repeat workout. They’d looked at her like she was crazy when she’d started the workout with her phone in hand, but since their coach didn’t mention it, neither did they.

“Asami!” Korra nearly shouted into her phone in relief, her volume only tamped by lungs that were straining to bring in air. 400s sucked.

A shaky breath was all she heard on the other end until… “Korra?”

“Are you okay? Where are you? Where did you go?” Korra bit back the rest of the questions she wanted to ask, questions about whether or not they still had a chance and if Asami had really meant her words. Those would have to wait. Asami’s immediate wellbeing was what was most important right now.

“I—can you come to Izumi’s office?” Asami’s question surprised Korra, so she paused for a moment. That was a mistake because Asami started talking again, panic ripe in her voice. “I’m so sorry. I know you’re at practice, but she goes home soon and she wants to talk to both of us together. I promise it’s just this one time. I’ll never ask something like this again.”

Korra had already run back to her bag and was about to sprint to Counseling Services by the time Asami stopped talking. She’d started moving the second Asami had mentioned her location. “It’s okay,” she finally managed to get in. “I’m coming.” That was never a question. “Do you need me to stay on the phone or can I hang up?”

“You can hang up. I’m with Izumi.”

“Okay. I’m on my way. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Korra took off through campus. She got quite a few confused glances from the people she passed; while runners on campus were common, few people sprinted from one side to the other. Once she reached the main building that housed the caf and the spot as well as the Mail Services, the Office of Religious Life, and Counseling Services (yeah, their school was super creative at naming things), she took a minute to catch her breath and steel her nerves. She didn’t know what to expect. Would Izumi yell at her? Would she tell Korra she couldn’t talk to Asami anymore? Did that even make sense? It probably didn’t make sense. But then again, fears often don’t. Standing here wasn’t going to resolve anything, so Korra gathered up her bag and her courage and made her way inside. 

The secretary who was normally stationed in the waiting area outside the counselors’ offices was missing. In fact, the whole place was deserted, which kind of made sense considering it was almost five o’clock and the offices generally ended their appointments by four-thirty. Korra raised a hand to knock on Izumi’s door, but it opened before she got a chance. She only caught a glimpse of Asami whose head was down, her dark hair shielding her from Korra’s view, because Izumi stepped out into the waiting room to talk to Korra.

“Hi, Korra. It’s good to see you again.” She held out her hand for Korra to shake. Her skin was soft, but her grip firm. It put Korra’s to shame; she had the strength, but not the softness. She spent too much time outside training in cold temperatures and never remembered to put on lotion. This was an irrelevant train of thought. And she realized Izumi was waiting for her to say something. Also, she was probably waiting for Korra to let go of her hand.

“Sorry,” Korra said, her cheeks burning as she immediately released Izumi’s hand and smoothed the imaginary wrinkles on her…track shorts? Yeah, her discomfort was definitely obvious. “Is she okay? I tried to find her, but I looked everywhere I could think of and then I had class and track and I gave up. And now I’m afraid you might hate me.” 

Izumi stepped forward to touch Korra’s shoulder, calming her. “She’s okay. She told me what happened and we agreed she needs to talk to you. I’m going to step out to give you that opportunity, but first I wanted to remind you of a couple of things.”

“Ooookaaay,” Korra said, drawing the word out to try to gain some control over this situation. Izumi was clearly in charge, which Korra wasn’t sure how she felt about.

Even her voice carried command. Asami was her client and Korra wasn’t; that meant her main priority was taking care of Asami. Or that’s how it felt to Korra, at any rate. “First I want you to remember that Asami runs when she is afraid. Her running is not an accurate indication of her feelings toward you. And second, I want you to think about the last time her father told her he loved her.” 

Korra thought back. And shit. The last time she could remember Asami mentioning her dad telling her he loved her was when she had to run away over winter break because he beat her. Shit. Why hadn’t she thought about what love meant to Asami? Shit! 

Korra’s anger at herself must have been obvious because Izumi was quick to touch her on the shoulder again. “Hey,” she said, waiting for Korra to meet her eyes. “I didn’t mention this you so you would beat yourself up. I just didn’t want you to go in there angry at Asami without thinking about it from her perspective. I can see now that that wasn’t an issue.”

“I just want her to be okay,” Korra whispered, blinking back tears. She brushed back her chin-length hair, hoping that would hide her emotion. Maybe it worked because Izumi didn’t comment. 

“She will be,” Izumi said with a genuine smile. “You can go in now. I’m going to go grab a cup of coffee, but I’ll be back in a half hour to pack up for the day.”

Korra didn’t waste a breath to respond. She was in Izumi’s office before the woman had even turned around to leave. “I’m sorry,” she said immediately upon entering. 

Asami jumped up and hugged her, which…was not what Korra was expecting. She rocked back on her heels to absorb Asami’s weight, thrown so haphazardly at her. “No, Korra. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run. Do you hate me? Please don’t hate me.” Asami pulled back to examine Korra’s face.

Korra schooled her features into a neutral expression. “I don’t hate you,” she said carefully. And she didn’t. She really didn’t. She loved Asami, but telling her that hadn’t gone particularly well the first time. She didn’t know where they stood and she couldn’t handle it. “But you told me you couldn’t date me and that hurt kind of a lot.”

“Oh,” said Asami in a small voice.

“Did…did you mean it?” Korra closed her eyes, awaiting the answer that would crush her. She felt a cool hand on her cheek, a hand with fingers that wandered to trace her nose, eyebrows, and then lips.

Asami withdrew her hand and sighed. That kind of didn’t sound good, but Asami didn’t pull away from Korra’s arms that were looped around her waist, so it could be worse. “No. I was just scared.” Korra’s heart lifted and she opened her eyes to see Asami staring anxiously at her. 

“And you know I meant what I said?”

Now Asami did move away, but she stayed just a step out of reach. She wasn’t running again. “I do. But do you know what that word means to me?”

“I’d like it if you told me.” Korra knew. Or she could guess. But she needed to hear it from Asami.

“Okay.” Asami took a deep breath and drew herself up to her full height, as if preparing for a difficult recitation. “To me ‘love’ means beatings to make me good and the person my dad wanted me to be. It means control and fear. It means having to thank my dad for ‘loving’ me. And it means hating, just a little bit, everyone for whom it means something different because I don’t think I’ll ever understand.” Korra didn’t know what to say to that, so Asami said, “Can you—can you maybe understand that now?”

Korra nodded. “Yes. I do understand. I just don’t know what to do because I want to be able to tell you I love you and have you know that it’s a wonderful thing, that you’re safe with me.”

“Can you just say that?”

Korra squinted, trying to figure out what Asami meant. It didn’t work. “What?”

“‘You’re safe with me.’” Asami looked frightened as soon as she said it. “I know that love isn’t all about safety, but maybe that’s all I can handle right now. I meant it before when I said I wanted to be with you and maybe passion will come, but right now I just want safety. I want you to be the one solid person in my life I can rely on and I want to be that for you. Because I think I can do that. I think I can be good at that.”

Korra blinked once. Then twice. Then a third time. She was afraid to hope what she thought Asami was saying was happening. But she gave Asami a tentative grin. “I know you’re good at that.” She nearly wept in relief when Asami grabbed her in another hug. “Does this mean we’re dating?”

“Yeah.” Asami brushed a light kiss against Korra’s cheek before her head found a resting place in the crook of Korra’s neck. 

“Finally,” Korra breathed. 

Izumi said much the same thing when she got back a few minutes later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try to have another chapter done by next week, but no promises. Last week was crazy busy and this weekend my mom is here to visit/help pack up my apartment so I can move in a couple of weeks. I'll try to get to responding to your comments tonight, but I promise I have read them and appreciated them!
> 
> People have a tendency to assume that when kids or adults disclose abuse, everyone believes them. It's not true. I'd say that about half of the handful of people who know my story either told me it was just normal parent/teen discord or stopped believing me when they met my dad. It's why I don't tell any of my story anymore (except for bits and pieces in this fic, I guess). And it's why sometimes I question whether or not I made it all up.


	13. Sharing the Good News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra and Asami tell some people about their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

The thing Korra hated most about dating someone was having to tell all of the people she cared about the good news. It was fun the first two times, but it quickly grew tiresome. She shared her theory with Asami who didn’t have the experience she had, but who nonetheless agreed with her. Together they decided that the first two people they told should be the ones whose reactions meant the most to them. They chose Korra’s parents and Kate and Kai.

Because they would have to talk to Korra’s parents via Skype, which was easier than coordinating a time to meet up with Kai and Kate, they opted to tell them first. The day they started dating, Korra texted her mom to set up a time to Skype that night. In the twenty minutes between the time Korra texted her and the time they would Skype, Asami managed to work herself up. She was pacing around the room, more nervous than Korra had ever seen her.

“What the heck is wrong with you?” Korra asked, her light tone belying her concern and words that could be seen as harsh. 

“This is weird,” Asami answered immediately. She tied her hair up in a ponytail and immediately pulled it out. “It’s new. I’ve never done this before. I don’t know how I feel about people knowing I’m dating. You know?” She froze mid pace and and turned her head to stare at Korra. 

Korra had to bite back a laugh at Asami’s jitters. “I actually don’t know. Why don’t you sit beside me and tell me more?” She patted the spot beside her on the bed. Maybe some cuddles would calm Asami down. Sometimes that worked. Plus, Korra really liked cuddles.

Asami declined the offer with a shake of her head and started pacing again. “I have too much nervous energy. I need to move. But I can explain. It’s…I’ve spent years hiding my feelings from everyone, which you already know. My point is that people made a lot of jokes about me not dating. It’s going to be a big deal for everyone when they find out I finally met someone when I always said it wouldn’t happen.”

Korra cocked her head thoughtfully. That kind of made sense, but there was one missing piece. “Aside from the nerves, how do you feel about people finding out?”

“Weird,” Asami answered immediately. She struggled her way out of her red fitted blouse, fighting with the buttons, and into a hoodie. That was interesting. She normally made sure she looked impeccable with everyone but Korra. It seemed that she was now comfortable enough with Korra’s parents to allow herself to wear comfortable clothes. “And embarrassed.” With her clothes back on she looked at Korra in a panic, suddenly realizing how that sounded. “I don’t mean I’m embarrassed by you or to be dating you. It’s going to be embarrassing when people make jokes about how I am dating someone now. I don’t want that attention.” She closed her eyes in frustration at her inability to convey her feelings adequately. “I don’t mean I want to hide you or that I think we shouldn’t tell people. It’s going to be okay.”

Korra watched this happen with great amusement. She knew Asami wasn’t going to bail on her. Asami was nothing if not reliable. It seemed that nothing Korra said was going to make Asami feel better, so she figured it was best if Asami got it all out of her system. But now that she was done, Korra didn’t really have anything to say in response. Asami was usually so composed and contained, and she was currently letting her nerves show with abandon. Mostly Korra just wanted to laugh. So she did.

Asami stared at her, scandalized at first. Then she rushed over to Korra’s bed and all but sat on her to get Korra to take her seriously. “Stop!” she insisted earnestly. “I’m being serious!”

“Yeah,” Korra gasped, half in pain at Asami’s weight that was resting on her hip and half because she was still laughing. “I don’t doubt that. You are so serious and worried about offending me, and it is so unnecessary! You realize that now I’m probably going to do everything I can to make you more embarrassed when people make a big deal about us, right?”

Asami’s eyes grew big and she pressed her hand over Korra’s mouth. “You can’t do that!” she exclaimed just as Korra accepted the incoming video call.

“Uh oh,” Tonraq said through the screen. “What’s Korra trying to do now?”

Asami squeaked and fell out of bed at the unexpected voice, and Korra had to turn her face into her pillow to muffle her laughter, tears leaking out of her eyes. It took a good five minutes for Korra to compose herself, a five minutes that Tonraq and Senna watched her with mild concern and tried with no avail to coax Asami to come back into view of the camera. Eventually Korra managed to pull herself together, at least enough to greet her parents. She could feel her red face and disheveled hair. “Hi mom. Hi dad.”

“Hi,” Tonraq said, amused. “I have to ask- why was Asami trying to smother you?”

“I wasn’t taking her as seriously as she thought I should. Apparently she doesn’t like being laughed at.” Korra peered over the bed to see Asami still curled up on the floor. “Are you still alive?”

“Sadly,” Asami answered. She sighed and sat up, looking resigned to the fact that Senna and Tonraq saw her acting like such a fool. Korra was pleased, though, because Asami finally joined her on the bed. “Hi.”

Tonraq and Senna just shook their heads. Korra knew they were too used to her antics to be much surprised to find that she had rubbed off on Asami. “So, Korra, you said you had something to tell us?” Senna prompted. 

Korra glanced askance at Asami who was looking at the camera and steadfastly avoiding her gaze. “We’re dating,” she blurted out. 

“I’m so sorry for you, Asami,” Tonraq said gravely. 

It took Korra a few seconds to process the insult. “Hey! I’m a catch!” She folded her arms and scowled at her dad. 

For the next half hour, they joked back and forth, but Senna wouldn’t let the conversation end without a kind word to Asami. “We’re so happy you chose our daughter, Asami. You’re better than anyone we could ever have imagined for her. Thank you.”

Asami didn’t say anything in response to that, though her face heated up and she managed a nod and a half smile. The way Asami melted against her side told Korra how much those words meant to her. 

 

…

Telling Kate and Kai was somehow both less and more awkward. They borrowed Tenzin’s car and Asami drove them to her old high school one Tuesday afternoon for a track meet. As they walked hand in hand down the hill from the parking lot to the track, two runners in red singlets and navy shorts broke off from the pack of athletes who were warming up, and sprinted in their direction.

“Why didn’t you tell us you were coming?” Kate demanded at the same time Kai squealed and pointed at Korra and Asami’s clasped hands. 

Whoops. That hadn’t occurred to her. “Um…it was a surprise?” Korra offered, raising her shoulders and shooting her a crooked grin. 

Kate huffed, still oblivious to Kai’s excitement. “Yeah, that is a blatant lie. You totally forgot.”

Kai shoved Kate out of the way and gestured between them. “You’re missing the big picture Kate. The better question is: why didn’t you tell us you were together?”

“What?” Only then did Kate take note of the fact that Korra and Asami were holding hands. For a full five seconds, she gaped at them, her expression unreadable, and then grabbed Asami in the most enthusiastic hug Korra had ever seen. And that was impressive because Korra was the queen of enthusiastic hugs. “I’m so happy for you,” she murmured in Asami’s ear, while Kai and Korra high-fived.

“Congrats, bro!” Kai said to Korra. “You guys will have to double date with me and Jinora. You know, as long as you’re okay with hanging out with high school kids.”

Korra couldn’t hold back a laugh. She knew Kai was sincere both in his offer of congratulations and in his uncertainty over whether or not Korra would mind spending time with people a few years younger. The hand rubbing the back of his hair and the blush creeping up his neck gave him away. “Come here, youngin’.” She pulled him into a hug. “Of course we’ll double date with you. I owe you because I stole away your great love.”

Kai jumped out of her arms with a dramatic gasp. “Did you just mock me because I used to have a crush on Asami?”

“Uh…duh. Have you met me?” 

By this point, Asami and Kate had separated. “Be nice,” they chided Korra in unison. 

Kate and Kai got an angry look from their coach a few seconds later, so they had to scurry away and slink back into the mass of athletes who were still warming up. Korra took Asami’s hand again as they scoped out a place along the fence that lined the track. Asami’s usually cold and dry hands were now clammy. Weird. “You okay?” Korra asked, looking at her askance.

“Just nervous,” Asami said. “It’s weird being back here and seeing people I know.”

Korra nodded. That definitely made sense to her. It was how she knew she would feel when she went back to Alaska for the summer. “That makes sense. It’ll be okay, though. It won’t be as bad as you think.”

And that was how Korra totally jinxed the situation. Because while people were generally nice and supportive when they came up to talk to them, the people were also incredibly ignorant of Asami’s feelings. Every time they said something like: “I told you you’d meet someone someday, Asami!” or “I thought for sure you were straight!” Korra could feel Asami cringe, and she died a little inside. Because she knew this was already a hard situation for Asami. While her dad wasn’t at the meet, almost everyone there knew her dad and about the abuse. That already had Asami on edge, and the fact that these people kept mentioning their relationship and her sexuality, things Asami was not totally comfortable with, made everything so much worse. If they hadn’t promised Kate and Kai that they would take them out to dinner, she and Asami would have left. Instead, Korra’s heart broke a little as she watched Asami put on a brave face and graciously converse with people who were making her decidedly anxious and uncomfortable. Because it didn’t have to be that way. 

That night, Asami asked to sleep in Korra’s bed. She told Korra about how uncomfortable the day had made her, but when Korra apologized, Asami shook her head and said, “No. I’m trying to thank you. Thank you for listening when I said I wanted to deal with people’s comments on my own. Thank you for not stepping in and talking for me even though I know you wanted to protect me. You trusted me to handle it and stood there with me, supporting me, as I did. Thank you.”

Korra didn’t have a good response to that, so she just murmured a quiet, “You’re welcome,” held Asami close, and tried to fall asleep. It was hard, though, because she couldn’t stop thinking both about how terrible people were and what Asami had said. One one level she felt like she’d failed Asami for not protecting her. But on another, she thought about how frustrating it must be to have your voice taken from you by those who want to protect or support you. Maybe she had done the right thing, after all.

 

…

Hiroshi was the next person they told, largely because Korra and Asami both figured that someone at the track meet probably had told him they were dating, and it was likely to be a topic of conversation when Asami talked to him during her counseling session that week. Asami grew quieter and quieter as the days, hours, and minutes ticked down to when they would tell Hiroshi. Nothing Korra said seemed to make a difference, so she settled on holding Asami, hoping and praying she didn’t pull away. Sometimes touch seemed to be more than she could handle, but other times, it seemed to help her center herself.

As they sat in Izumi’s office, Asami’s tension mounted to the point where Korra wasn’t sure how her shoulders hadn’t cramped up. It had been months since Korra had seen her so closed off. Izumi noticed it too. Korra knew (and she assumed Izumi did too) that Hiroshi was less than supportive of same-sex relationships. Surely that factored in, but neither of them knew what Asami was afraid of happening. 

“Asami, what’s bothering you?” Izumi asked. When this met with only a shake of the head, Izumi tried again. “If you aren’t able to relax, we’re not going to call Hiroshi today. I don’t mean for this to sound like a threat, but I’m worried it will do more harm than good.”

At this, Asami sighed and uncurled herself, so she was sitting upright on the leather armchair. “I’m worried he’s going to ruin things for me. Things have been going well, and I’m afraid to let myself hope it can continue. I’m afraid he’s going to mess everything up or make me start doubting things so that I’m the one who messes everything up.”

It was hard for Korra to remain silent, but she didn’t know what to say, so she let Izumi respond. “How would you mess everything up?”

“I might get scared that Korra will leave me, and then I’ll leave her first to protect myself. I know it sounds unhealthy and codependent, but I need her—you.” Asami turned to look at Korra. “I don’t know if you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but you’re one of them. Even when you didn’t know me and I did so many weird things, you still treated me like a person. You didn’t have to do that. Lots of people wouldn’t have. I’m afraid to lose that. I’m afraid to lose you, and it would be easier to walk away than have you leave me. I’m not even that afraid we’ll break up. I could handle that. What I couldn’t stand would be you walking out of my life.”

Korra glanced at Izumi to see how to proceed. She wanted to respond. She wanted to allay Asami’s fears. Because she could do that. She couldn’t promise they would be together forever—they were only 18, after all—but she could promise she wouldn’t leave. Thankfully, Izumi nodded and gestured for her to take over. “Is that what you’ve been worried about all week?”

Asami nodded, swiping angrily at a tear that had escaped her iron will.

“You need to tell me these things, Asami. I’m not going to leave you and I’m not going to let you walk away without trying to get you to stay. If you need space, you just have to tell me and I’ll give it to you, but I’ll always try to make sure you come back…if you want to come back, I mean. I know your dad tried to tell you I’m controlling, but has never been my intent. As for my friendship…you have it. You’ll always have it, even if we break up. No matter what your dad says, you’re safe with me.”

At that, the tension that had taken over Asami’s limbs eased, not much, but enough that it was noticeable. “Thank you,” she said, letting out a long breath. “Thank you. I think I can do this now.”

Izumi nodded and dialed the phone. “We’ll be right here.”

The phone rang three times. “Hello?” Hiroshi’s voice rang out over the speaker phone. 

“Hi dad.”

“How was your week, Asami?”

It was weird to listen to this conversation. It sounded so stilted that it almost seemed to be scripted. Well, it was following the usual small talk script, so that was part of it, but even their voices seemed weird.

“It was fine. Dad, I have something to tell you.” Asami took Korra’s hand for support. It was clammy again, which told Korra she was nervous (like she didn’t already know).

“Oh?”

“Korra and I are dating.” She closed her eyes, bracing for the response. 

This admission met with silence. For a solid thirty seconds, an eternity on phone call, Hiroshi said nothing. Then he spoke and Korra wished for silence again. He wasn’t yelling. He wasn’t angry. He was quietly disappointed. “I’d heard rumors, but I had hoped they weren’t true. You’re better than this, Asami. You’re better than her. Your mother would be so disappointed in y—“

“Okay,” another voice chimed in, just as Izumi had opened her mouth to speak. Korra guessed it was his therapist. “We’re going to end the call here. Maybe we can try again in a couple of weeks. Izumi, you’ll let me know?”

“Sure, Dev.”

Without another word, Izumi hung up the call, and she and Korra turned to look at Asami. She looked…tired, but not shell-shocked or upset the way Korra had expected. “I’m okay,” she said softly, and she met their eyes. “I don’t know why I expected anything different. I shouldn’t have. He’s shown me over and over again that I can’t trust him, but I thought…no. I mean I hoped things were different this time.” She smiled sadly. 

Somehow this was worse than anger or fear, this quiet devastation where the last vestige of hope had finally been crushed out of her. Korra didn’t have any words and it seemed Izumi didn’t either, so she gathered up Asami in her arms and held her. Asami let out a defeated sigh and just let Korra hold her, too weary to even hug her back. They were both hurt by Hiroshi’s words, and that was okay. It was expected, justified. No doubt they would get up from this spot and fight on. Or, as Tonraq had said months ago, dance on because fighting isn’t really living. 

Maybe it would take his whole life time for Hiroshi to change. Maybe he never would. And maybe that was okay. Because maybe Asami could live her life without him. At least, that’s what she told Korra later that night after they had dusted themselves off and made it through the rest of the day. It wasn’t a lot, but it meant Asami could keep going even if she was weary and broken. Because they both believed she wouldn’t always be. Because hope springs eternal, or some shit like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things. All housekeeping, so please read.
> 
> 1\. I added another chapter, as you can see, because I didn't get through as much material in this one as I thought I would. So, yay? I finished it yesterday, so no one read through it besides me. I will try to have another chapter done by next Sunday.
> 
> 2\. I'm looking for ideas for the epilogue. I'll try to work in whatever you suggest. Let me frame the question this way: what is it essential that you see (a happy ending does not help because it is not specific)? A few of you have said this is more than just a story, so tell me what you need. Reminder that the last time you guys asked for sex, I gave you the line, "Sex doesn’t have anything to do with bellybuttons." Take that however you wish.
> 
> 3\. A few people have also said it would be interesting to have Asami's perspective. I agree, but I can't write it. Writing from Korra's perspective gave me enough distance from my own situation for this to not be extraordinarily painful. I think writing from Asami's would be harmful to me. BUT, if one of you who said this story resonates with you would like to write it and think it would be healing, let me know and we'll talk.


	14. Endings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some final moments as Korra and Asami end their freshman year of college.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

Telling Opal, Bolin, and their other friends about their relationship was one of the easiest things in the world. One night at dinner, Korra reached out without thinking and put her arm around Asami. Everyone paused to stare, forks halfway to their mouths, and then they gave a collective nod and went back to their dinners. In that moment, Korra desperately wanted to kiss each of them in turn. She knew they were probably all excited, but that they knew Asami well enough to know she would be uncomfortable with an excess of attention. In the days following, Opal, Bolin, Kuvira, and Mako each jumped on Korra whenever Asami wasn’t around to tell her how happy they were for her. Even better, Asami told Korra that they had congratulated her as well, albeit in a much more reserved fashion. Asami blushed as said that Mako had even made it a point to tell her he hadn’t asked her out in order to force her into Korra’s arms, but that he had truly been attracted to her. Korra laughed aloud imagining that conversation between two such dorky people. She could only guess that there was a lot of stammering, awkward shuffling of feet, and red faces. Probably the best thing to happen was that she and Asami could now hang out with Opal and Bolin without feel uncomfortable, like they were third and fourth wheeling a date or that they should be dating too.

Tenzin and his family were last on their list of people to inform of their newfound relationship. It wasn’t that they didn’t care what he thought because Korra desperately wanted his approval. Rather, it was that with her track schedule and Asami’s work schedule, free evenings to pop over to Tenzin’s house for dinner were few and far between. It wasn’t until a month after they had started dating that they, along with Tenzin and his family, were able to get together. It went something like this:

Korra and Asami caught a ride with Tenzin one Thursday evening when Korra had early practice and Asami had the night off from work. On the way to his house, Asami, who was sitting in the passenger’s seat, tentatively said, “Um, Tenzin, I just wanted to let you know that Korra and I are dating now. I, um, don’t know how you feel about that, so I figured I should tell you before we get to your house in case you don’t want me to be around your kids.”

Korra had never seen Tenzin’s eyebrows raise so high or so quickly. She had to stifle a laugh when he glanced back at her in the rearview mirror. And then Asami’s words hit her, and it wasn’t so hard to keep from laughing. She couldn’t deal with this right now. She just couldn’t. So thankfully Tenzin fielded the matter. “Asami, I would unequivocally trust you with my children. You’re kind, responsible, and strong, and who you date doesn’t affect these qualities. I support loving relationships, regardless of the gender of the people involved. You and Korra have my congratulations.”

In the side mirror, Korra watched Asami’s face crumble. “Why couldn’t my dad have said that?” she murmured, more to herself than to anyone. “That’s all he had to say.”

Tenzin sighed as they pulled into his driveway. After putting the car into park, he reached over and took Asami’s hand. “I wish I had answers, but I don’t think there are any. I simply don’t know. No matter what, you’re always welcome in my home.”

The rest of Tenzin’s family was equally supportive. Pema kissed them both on the cheek and told them she loved them. Jinora already knew because Kai had told her weeks ago. Meelo was confused because he thought they were already together. Actually, he said he thought they were already married and was disappointed to find out they were only dating. Rohan was too little to care. It was Ikki who showed the most distress.

“You’re dating?” Ikki asked, looking back and forth between Korra and Asami who were holding hands. 

“Yep,” Korra answered easily with a glance at Asami who was looking nervous. Korra figured Ikki just needed to process this new information, but Asami was obviously afraid of rejection. 

“Like…you kiss and stuff?”

“Yep.”

“Like Jinora and Kai are dating?”

“Uh…yeah?” That sounded creepy for some reason. Maybe because Jinora was was so much younger than she was.

“But you’re both girls.” 

“Yep.”

“Is that okay?”

Korra frowned both at the question and how fearful Ikki looked all of a sudden. “Some people say it’s not, but I think they’re wrong. So do your mom and dad.” When Ikki’s expression suddenly filled with hope, Korra thought maybe she understood. “I’d bet they’d talk to you more about it if you asked them.”

Ikki gave a slow nod. “Would you? You know, talk to me more about it if I wanted you to?”

She directed this question to a startled Asami. Korra didn’t know how Ikki knew Asami struggled with her sexuality, but she was an astute kid. Maybe she had sensed it. Or maybe she had overheard a conversation or two. Or maybe she related better to Asami because she was girlier than Korra. With Ikki you never knew. No matter, Asami took a cautious step forward to put a hand on Ikki’s shoulder. “Sure. Do you have a pen and paper? I’ll give you my number and you can call me whenever you want.”

Ikki’s eyes lit up and she bolted over to the family desk to grab supplies. After she had Asami’s number, she folded the paper reverently and raced upstairs to put it in her room. Korra turned to grin at Asami. “This may have been a mistake. She’s going to call you all the time now.”

Asami managed a sad smile in return. “I don’t want her to ever feel uncomfortable about whom she’s attracted to.”

Korra nuzzled Asami’s neck before pulling her in for a kiss. “With her parents, siblings, and you, I can’t imagine how she ever will again.” 

 

…

At the end of the semester, Korra and Asami’s relationship was stronger than ever. Korra didn’t make it to nationals in track, but she did place well in regionals, so she was hopeful for the following year. Asami had managed to save enough from working to buy a car. Granted, it was a beat up 1989 Ford Ranger that she bought on Craigslist for $1200; it got terrible gas mileage and she had to muscle it to get it to go into fifth gear, but it was still a breath of freedom for her. 

It was the following weekend after she bought her beloved truck that she told Korra she was taking her on a date. Korra looked up from her Biology book that she had been studying for her final. “Huh?”

“I’m taking you on a date tonight,” Asami repeated with a shy smile that belied her confident tone. “Go get ready.”

“I—okay?” Korra said, shutting her book and hopping to her feet. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

Wow. Okay. This had suddenly become very interesting. As much as Korra wanted to press Asami for details, she decided to play along. “What should I wear? Am I dressed okay?” 

Asami bit her lip as she looked her up and down, taking in her cut-off shorts, flip flops, and old t-shirt. “Um, you should put on your old jeans and your sneakers.”

That was…odd. But Asami still didn’t take initiative in their relationship very often, so Korra was certainly not going to protest. She changed into the clothes Asami suggested and they were off. It was only the second time she had been in Asami’s truck, so she was still surprised at how good its condition was considering its age. The seats were faded, but clean and stain-free. And really, that’s pretty much the only thing Korra cared about, so long as it drove. As Asami rattled off the specs of the truck to her for what was probably the fifth time, Korra tuned out and thought about what had led to this purchase. Asami had taken it upon herself to learn as much about cars as possible, going so far as to talk a nearby garage into allowing her to hang out there so she could learn stuff. In just a few short weeks, she was certain she could make most repairs by herself. She also felt confident in knowing what to look for in buying a used car. And that was how she ended up with Hank. Why Hank? Because it was a good name for a wheezy old truck, at least according to Asami. She was so happy about it that Korra couldn’t find it within herself to disagree…not that she was strongly invested in the name of this truck.

As they drove out of town, Korra became more and more curious about where they could possibly be going. They’d passed all of the restaurants she knew and they were heading in the opposite direction of Tenzin’s house and Asami’s hometown. But Asami looked carefree as she sang along to the radio, so Korra figured she must know where she was going. 

An hour later, they pulled into a parking lot and Korra couldn’t believe where they were. Asami had brought her to a skate park. Asami had brought her to a skate park! She turned to look at Asami, eyes wide, who was pulling Korra’s board out from behind the seat. “I thought maybe I could watch you skateboard,” Asami said nervously, interpreting Korra’s response as disapproval. “I’ve never seen you do more than use it to get to and from class, but you’ve talked about doing tricks and things.”

“This is the Best. Date. Ever!” Korra leaned over and kissed her girlfriend fiercely. “Good call on the jeans, by the way. It’s been awhile and I’d rather not totally tear up my legs if I wipe out.”

Asami looked relieved, her confidence restored, and they both hopped out of the truck. Asami took a seat on a nearby bench and Korra got reacquainted with her HUF board. It wasn’t in the greatest shape. Her mom had gotten it for her as a Christmas present back when she was in high school. Korra and her board had been through a lot together. She’d had to replace the trucks after an ill-fated landing a few years ago where she thought she’d broken her deck as well. Fortunately, it made it through without too much damage. She’d lost track of how many wheels she’d gone through and how many times she’d replaced the grip tape. In short, she loved her board too much to replace it entirely.

She waved to Asami as she hopped on her board and pushed off. Damn! This felt so good! It had been so long since she’d done this for fun. It was too dangerous to do during track season, and even outside of that, there was really nowhere on or near campus to skateboard like this. She started with an ollie. Cliché, she knew, but it really had been awhile. Korra crouched down and kicked her back foot to snap the tail down, and jumped into the air. She dragged her front foot forward, leveling her board. It was the most basic of all skateboarding tricks, but it still was so, so satisfying to land! 

With an ollie under her belt, she set off to explore the park, learning the hills, banks, and rails. It was a small park, not surprising for rural, upstate New York, but the plus side was that she and Asami were the only ones there, so she had the place to herself. Which was good because her first attempt at grinding led to a pretty nasty fall. What could she say? It really had been awhile. The ollie went okay, but she misjudged the height of the rail and didn’t get her knees up high enough. As a result, her board skittered down the stairs as she rolled after it, her fall slowed by the fact that she first crashed into the rail shin first. So basically, it felt awesome. At least she was wearing her helmet…

Asami came running when she saw Korra fall. To be honest, while the fall hurt, it wasn’t the worst Korra had ever suffered. So she felt well enough to enjoy Asami’s concerned ministrations as she tried to assess how much damage had been done. “Did you hit your head? Can you move?” Her hands fluttered around Korra’s face until she calmed down enough to stroke her cheek. 

Korra groaned and sat up. “I’m fine, Sami,” she said with a crooked grin. “It happens sometimes. I’m going to nail that grind and then you are going to learn how to skateboard.” It was something she had been toying with for the past few minutes (before her fall, that was). It was more fun to skateboard with your friends, and this was a date after all. 

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea…” Asami said with a frown.

“Which part?”

“Um…both?”

Korra laughed off Asami’s concern. “It’ll be fine. Guarantee I’ll land it on the next attempt or I owe you dinner.”

Without waiting for a response, she set off to do a 50-50 grind. She didn’t land it on her next attempt, but she did manage to keep her feet, so at least it was less painful, if still humiliating. The third attempt was a thing of beauty, however. She did an ollie and caught the rail right in the middle of her front and back axles, grinding down the length of the rail, and landing smoothly. Perfect. Except that now she owed Asami dinner.

Since she saw Korra’s awesome tricks (at least that was what Korra assumed the reason was), Asami was more amenable about learning the basics of skateboarding. Before Asami could protest, Korra jammed her helmet over Asami’s hair and buckled it. “I know you’ll have helmet hair, but it’s better than dying.”

Asami couldn’t really argue with that.

“Okay, first things first.” Korra pushed Asami forward, paying attention to which foot she stepped forward with first. 

“Hey!” Asami exclaimed, turning around to glare at Korra.

Korra raised her hands in defense. “Sorry, sorry. I just needed to find your dominant foot. Turns out you’re goofy—you’ll put your right foot forward on the board! Unless that feels uncomfortable once you get started. Then we’ll switch you to regular.” 

The explanation seemed to mollify Asami, so they started working on her stance. It took awhile for Asami to feel comfortable enough on the board, feet angled and more or less lined up with the truck screws. Then Korra had her push off with her left foot (on flat ground, obviously). Almost immediately, Asami jumped off of the board, afraid she was going to fall. Once she got the hang of going in a straight line, Korra taught her to turn by shifting her weight on the board, and then when she fell off into the grass, how to stop by dragging her foot. She probably should have started with that…

They both left the skate park with minor scrapes and bruises, but despite the injuries, it was still the best date Korra had ever been on. Asami said she preferred the laser tag date, but Korra disagreed; this one was real. In that moment, her love for Asami was too much to contain. “Hey,” Korra started, getting a curious look from Asami in response. “I know this might freak you out, but I really need to say it.”

Asami clenched her hands on the steering wheel, steeling herself, though she kept her eyes on the road. “Go ahead.”

“I really love you. I love you and I won’t ever use against you. You’re still safe with me, but I love you so much more than just that.” Korra closed her eyes, preparing herself for rejection.

What she didn’t expect was Asami’s slow exhale and quiet, “I know.”

The night ended with dinner and ice cream, but to Korra it tasted like victory and finally, finally like home. 

 

…

Korra spent the rest of the semester telling Asami she loved her. She told her when they woke up, when they went to bed, when they were both happy, when they were tired, and even when she was annoyed with Asami for not ever offering opinions for their plans. In all walks of life, she wanted Asami to know she loved her. And she wanted Asami to get used to hearing it. It seemed to work pretty well because while Asami never reciprocated, she started to smile whenever Korra said it. Progress is progress, no matter how small, right? 

A few days before they were set to leave for the summer, their relationship shifted even more. It hadn’t been a hard decision for Asami to decide where she would spend the summer. Korra’s dad had come through on his promise to get her an internship with the local government in Korra’s hometown. The only person who was surprised was Hiroshi who had been under the illusion (disillusion, maybe? Did it really matter?) that Asami would return to his house for the summer. This, if nothing else, spoke to the level of his utter lack of understanding of how Asami had been affected by his actions toward her. She was talking to him again during their counseling sessions, but Izumi and Hiroshi’s therapist both agreed neither of them were ready to talk without supervision, which meant they would not talk for roughly three months. From what Korra could tell, Asami wasn’t exactly broken hearted. 

They were working on packing up their dorm. Most of it, apart from a suitcase of clothes apiece, would be stored in Tenzin’s garage until they got back from Alaska at the end of the summer. For their sophomore year, Korra would be rooming with Opal, while Izumi had helped Asami to get into an individual dorm. Korra was disappointed at first, but it was probably for the best. Asami needed time and space to heal on her own. Plus, having her own room would mean she and Korra could hang out without interruption.

In their packing adventure, Korra discovered that she seriously needed to get better at throwing stuff away. For real. Because while Asami had barely managed to fill one trash bag, Korra was working on her fifth. She finally got her side of the room mostly in order (six trash bags, for the win!) and decided she was going to carry all seven at once down to the dumpsters. She was tired of cleaning and this seemed like a fun challenge. 

With three bags hefted over one shoulder and four over the other, she felt like some kind of really lame superhero whose powers involved trash removal. In a terrible 1950s movies voice, Korra announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to one of the greatest and most invisible superheroes of our time. Faced with insurmountable piles of garbage, New York is under threat of suffocation from its own filth. Only the most daring woman with a steel stomach and nonfunctional nose can save the day. It’s a rat! No, it’s a raccoon! No, it’s trashwoman!” Korra burst into laughter at her own ridiculousness 

Asami gaped at Korra’s dorkiness for half a beat and then started laughing as well. When Korra dropped the bags and tackled her, covering her in kisses, Asami pulled back and gave Korra the fondest look she’d ever seen. “Hey,” she said suddenly, “I love you.” 

It was a little bit too loud and fast to be casual the way Korra knew Asami intended it to be, but Korra got it. Of course Asami was nervous. Of course this was a huge deal for her, considering what the word “love” had meant for most of her life. Korra wanted to jump up and down and scream for joy, but that would be wrong. Instead, she shoved down those notions along with her pounding heart and fixed a gentle smile on her face. “I love you, too,” she said softly. With a soft parting kiss, she left to dispose of the trash. It was difficult, but she wanted to give Asami time to compose herself. Some things they could do better together, but this was one time Korra knew to give Asami space if only for a few minutes. For now, Korra let out a whoop! as soon as she was out of earshot of the building. Asami might need silence to celebrate, but Korra always shouted her excitement. 

When she got back from the dumpster (assuming she made it because the trash bags were hella heavy), they would no doubt have a long make out session where they would each demonstrate how much they loved the other. Korra would tell Asami how proud of her she was, and Asami would blush and act all embarrassed. And they would spend the rest of the evening repeating this same declaration, in between kisses, in between brushing their teeth, in between moments when nothing was happening. Just so they would both know it was real. 

As Korra reflected on it all, she thought that maybe reframing the question wasn’t just necessary for people who have been abused. Maybe it applied to everyone. Maybe instead of: “What’s wrong with you?” everyone should ask, “What happened to you?” Because as deeply as Korra loved, she always doubted that people felt the same way about her because she’d been betrayed in the past. Korra didn’t think it was accurate to say that everyone is at least a little bit broken because if everyone is broken, there is no whole. But maybe it was okay to say that shit happens in people’s lives and knocks them down, but they can pick up and move on. And, yeah, it’s harder for some people than others because the shit that happened to them was a catastrophic hurricane instead of a brief downpour. But that didn’t mean people couldn’t try to understand one another and help them rebuild. But rebuilding is impossible unless people bother to ask what happened. That’s what Korra did for Asami and Asami did for Korra. Even though this past year had been probably the most difficult of her life, both she and Asami were better off for it because they had both taken the time to reframe the question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, team. Sorry I couldn't manage a chapter last week. Next week (hopefully) is the epilogue. Thanks for all of your responses. I'll do my best to incorporate them. Ideas are still welcome!
> 
> Also, I think this will be my last fanfic. I'm trying to do better at living real life. I'll still write, but it will be my own stuff. I have a full length novel that needs to be reworked and edited, and its sequel needs to be written. If you guys are interested, maybe we can work something out so you can offer feedback and stuff. Not sure how exactly (I've been thinking of dropbox or google docs, but it's hard for that to be anonymous...) because I don't really want to post it publicly in case I someday want to publish. Anyway, I'm happy to field questions/ideas for this if you have them. Tumblr might be better, but I'll respond to stuff here too.


	15. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra and Asami over the next decade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Effects of child abuse
> 
> Lots of people talk about child abuse and how it affects kids when they're in the home or even after they're removed. What doesn't get mentioned is what happens when they grow up. No one talks about how hard it is to move into a dorm room where you're never alone when you've spent your whole life trying to be invisible. No one talks about how you know your roommate is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. No one talks about what it's like to feel like you're going crazy and not have the words to explain why because no one knows your story and no one bothers to ask. So I guess this story is an attempt to start the conversation. Maybe I'm the only one who felt these things when I went to school. I don't know. This fic isn't my story, but it has elements of it. If you relate to this and want to share your story, please do. If not, that's cool too.

On the morning of their wedding, Korra rolled over in bed to look at her almost-wife, the woman she’d known for nearly ten years, and a single thought ran through her head: we made it.

…

The whole Asami-has-a-dorm-room-to-herself thing was really great in some ways, but not so much in others. Though, really, it was never _bad_ , just hard. Sometimes Korra would wake up in a sweat, worried about Asami, and realize she was in a completely different building. When it was still happening a month into their sophomore year, Asami made Korra schedule an appointment with Counseling Services. Asami’s stuff had obviously taken a toll on Korra, and she needed to work it out. Korra had to swallow her pride, but she finally agreed when Asami used the logic of “if you won’t go because you’re afraid it makes you weak, then that means you think I’m weak.” That was hard to argue with. 

So Korra went to counseling. And it helped. Even though it was hard to be away from Asami, to not have her close in case they needed one another, it was a good thing. Or that’s what her counselor told her, anyway. Most days she agreed. Living with Opal was fun, and Korra could tell Asami was becoming more and more independent. Counseling helped her begin to believe that Asami’s independence didn’t mean she wouldn’t need or want Korra around anymore. Which was good. Because that had been her fear for a long time, and now she felt lighter. 

Aside from the hard but good stuff, Asami having her own room was also really amazing. The single-dorm building was much quieter and better insulated than Korra’s crappy building, which meant they could hang out without people screaming in the hallways. They made sure to spend time with their friends, but alone time was sometimes needed. Mostly they watched TV shows or movies and cuddled, but they also made out a lot. And sometimes more.

Asami was so, so embarrassed about sex stuff that Korra didn’t know what to do. During their summer in Alaska, Asami couldn’t even talk about it as an option, so Korra had tabled it until they got back to school. Then, in a surprising twist, Asami had brought it up a couple of weeks into the school year. She turned red and spluttered and stuttered and stammered, but she finally got the message across: “I want to have sex with you. Not right now, but soon.” 

It had been a welcome admission. Korra had started to worry that maybe Asami didn’t feel the same desire she did. It wouldn’t necessarily have tanked their relationship, but it would certainly have made things much, much more complicated. But thankfully it wasn’t an issue. With the knowledge that Asami craved control in mind, Korra decided to let her decide when she was ready. 

When one evening they were in Asami’s bed, making out, and Asami made to pull off Korra’s shirt, Korra stopped her. “You’re not ready?” Asami asked, looking crestfallen. 

“Oh I’m ready,” Korra said with a face-splitting grin. “I’m so ready. But we have to talk about this first. I need to know what you’re okay with.” 

“Oh.” Asami swallowed thickly, her eyes darting to the side. “Um. Well, there’s lots of things I’m open to trying, but maybe right now we can just use fingers? And…you should know…I don’t really know what I’m doing.” 

Korra leaned forward to kiss Asami’s forehead. “Of course. I love you so much, and I think you’re so beautiful. Maybe tonight I can just love you.”

“But that’s not fair!” Asami protested emphatically. “I don’t want to leave you…unsatisfied.” 

“Okay,” Korra allowed. “If you want to touch me, that’s fine. But I only want it if you do too.” Asami nodded. “Are you ready?” A deep breath and another nod. “Okay. You can tell me to stop at anytime and I won’t get upset. I want you to enjoy this. I love you so much.” 

Asami was trembling in her arms, and Korra knew it was as much from nerves as desire. So, slow was the name of the game. Korra started with a kiss. And another. And another. Because she knew Asami was comfortable with that. But soon that wasn’t enough because Asami asked, “More?” 

Korra was happy to comply, so she lay her back and slid her hand under Asami’s t-shirt to caress the soft skin of her stomach. If Korra had a weakness, it was the stomach of a beautiful girl, and Asami had a great one –flat though not quite toned, and soft, so soft –basically the stuff that rarely existed in real life. Asami couldn’t stifle a gasp at the touch and pulled back, burying her face in Korra’s shoulder in embarrassment. “Hey,” Korra whispered into Asami’s ear. “I know you’re Miss Silent, but noises are going to happen. It’s part of this. I’m the only one here; no one else is going to know what you sound like. I love you. You can trust me to keep this between us. Okay?” Asami nodded against Korra’s shoulder, but that wasn’t enough. “You want to keep going?” 

This time Asami looked into Korra’s eyes. “Yes.” 

So Korra kept going. She made sure Asami stayed in the present by making her laugh. When they were undressed, Asami stopped engaging with her. That wasn’t good. Korra pushed herself up from where she’d lowered herself onto Asami and looked at her girlfriend whose eyes were shut tightly. “Hey, what’s going on?” Korra asked, gently brushing the hair from her face. 

Asami opened her eyes and sat up, wrapping her arms around her legs, closing herself off. “I don’t know,” she admitted, sounding frustrated. “I don’t know! I want this. I really do. I’m just scared.” 

“We can stop here,” Korra said with a kiss to Asami’s cheek. “And it won’t be a failure.” 

“No,” Asami said flatly. “I want to do this. I want you. I just…I’m afraid of being out of control.” 

Korra nodded thoughtfully. “Do you mind if we change positions?”

Asami shook her head, a curious look in her eyes. So Korra hopped out of bed to turn off the lights. That had been her first mistake. Asami had come a long way, but she still did better in the dark when she was uncomfortable. Then Korra raced back to bed, punched the pillows back into shape at the head of the bed, and leaned against them, pulling Asami back into her. She couldn’t see Asami’s face very well, so it wasn’t an ideal position, but it might make Asami more comfortable. Korra kissed her shoulder. “You’re so beautiful.” 

“So are you,” Asami said, turning her head so she could smile at Korra. She’d come a long way. Most of the time she could accept it when Korra told her she was beautiful, and sometimes she even seemed to believe it. 

“Nuh uh,” Korra disagreed playfully. “Not as beautiful as you.” That drew a laugh from Asami, which was Korra’s cue to ask, “You okay to keep going?” 

“Yes.” 

Despite her consent, it still took a long time for Asami to relax again, which meant Korra had to do a lot of touching and kissing. She might have some experience with sex, but this was way, way beyond anything she had learned. So, basically, they were both making it up as they went. It must have worked because after awhile, Asami asked for more. 

“Okay, tell me what you like.” 

Asami tensed briefly, flushing hot against Korra’s skin, but she gave an honest answer. “I don’t know.”

That was…concerning, but okay. Korra could work with it. “Okay. I’ll try some stuff and you let me know.” Korra thought that with as long as this had been going on and as long as they’d waited, Asami would come quickly. But she should have known better. Because when Asami got close, she spooked at the unfamiliar sensations and at the threat of losing control. “Asami,” Korra whispered in her ear, stilling her motions, but not pulling away. “I know you want to stay in control. I know you’re scared. But I also need you to trust me here. I’m not going to turn this against you. I’m not going to take control of you. I said before that noises are part of this. Well, so is letting go. Can you do that?”

Asami leaned her head back against Korra’s shoulder, the tension seeping out of her. “I can try.”

And she did. And it worked…sorta. Korra found it worked better when she kept Asami distracted, kept her from focusing on what needed to happen. So Korra kept up a rhythm while also kissing Asami’s neck and whispering about love in her ear. And maybe some jokes. Because it was Korra, after all. And then, probably five minutes past the point where Korra didn’t think her hand could take it anymore, Asami finally, finally finished. With the quietest gasp Korra had ever heard, her eyes squeezed tightly shut. Had Korra not been paying attention, she would have missed it. But she was, and the way Asami turned in Korra’s arms after coming down and melted into her was so worth it. 

“Thank you for being so patient,” she murmured, her lips pressed against Korra’s collarbone. “ _Thank you, thank you, thank you._ ” 

That made Korra enormously sad. Because she hadn’t done anything except the bare minimum of being a girlfriend. Asami had such a low bar for what to expect from people. But now wasn’t the time to address it. Tonight was a victory for them and Korra wasn’t going to taint it. So she just said, “I love you.” 

Asami kept her promise as well and Korra finished quickly. No, Asami wasn’t a sex goddess, at least not yet. But who was on their first attempt? Mostly Korra had just been ready for so long that pretty much anything would have done it for her. But hey. An orgasm’s an orgasm. 

It was a good night. A great one, really. Afterwards, they were lying in Asami’s bed, just enjoying the silence. Until Asami said, “I really need to pee, but I don’t want to move.” 

“Go pee,” Korra said immediately. “Don’t hold it, especially after sex unless you want to deal with a UTI.” 

“Mmm…not so much,” Asami said. 

They took turns in the bathroom that Asami shared with her neighbor and then cuddled back up in bed. “I don’t want to sleep yet,” Asami admitted. “I don’t want this to be over.” 

So Korra told Asami stories about her childhood in Alaska until she felt Asami’s breathing even out. Only then did she allow herself to sink into the depths of sleep that had been calling her for hours. Because as she had said, this night was about making Asami feel loved.

  

…

The biggest challenge to their relationship came a a few months later. Korra walked into the main building on campus to see Asami standing outside of mail services, staring in disbelief at the letter in her hands. “What’s up?” Korra asked, kissing Asami on the cheek and gesturing to the piece of paper. 

“I got into MIT,” Asami replied, voice full of wonder. She looked utterly stunned. 

“You what?” Korra asked. “Wait. You applied to MIT? Why didn’t you tell me?” She went from shocked to furious in exactly half a second. 

Asami quickly stepped away and held up her hands in defense. “I didn’t think I’d get in. I just wanted to see if I could. My advisor thought it was a good choice since they’re basically out of math and engineering classes for me to take here.” 

“I—I have to go,” Korra muttered. She was about five words away from saying something she didn’t really mean and that she would no doubt regret later. “I love you, but I have to go.” 

Without looking back, Korra fled to the tree she and Asami had once climbed. The distance between them gave Korra the space to think. Now that she had calmed down, she realized her fury was based in fear. She was afraid of losing Asami. Sure, she had friends here, but Asami was the main person who made school feel like home. What would she do if Asami moved to Boston? And why didn’t Asami tell her? Didn’t she trust her? Didn’t she love her?

A good cry gave Korra some perspective. That probably wasn’t it at all. She needed to talk to Asami. So she made her way to Asami’s dorm where they cleared things up. Asami had been afraid of Korra’s reaction, and she hadn’t wanted to worry her if MIT wasn’t an option. Korra understood, but it still hurt, which she told Asami. And, she said, there was no reason for Asami to carry that burden on her own. Korra shared her fears of Asami leaving, but she also said, “You need to go. Your advisor is right. MIT has so much more to offer.” 

“But what about us?” Asami asked like she was terrified of the answer. Maybe she was just as afraid of losing Korra as Korra was of losing her. 

“We’ll make it work. It’s only a three-hour drive.” Korra had checked. 

And they did. After their sophomore year, Asami transferred to MIT. Asami gave Korra her truck because Korra didn’t have a car, and parking was too expensive in Boston. Whenever she could, Korra drove to Boston to visit Asami. Sometimes they went for months without seeing each other because of Korra’s track schedule, but they made sure to talk everyday. It was hard. So hard. But it was also worth it because Asami was finally making the connections she would need to start her company. And _God_. She was so smart. Korra loved listening to her talk about school because she had this way of making even super complicated math comprehensible. It made Korra feel like more of a part of her life. 

It was a long two years. A looooong two years. But they made it. After a number of discussions, they had decided to move to the Seattle area after graduation where Asami could get some sort of high tech job, making connections and gaining experience to start her own company. Plus, there were lots of outdoorsy things, so Korra was pretty sure she could get a job as well. She definitely wasn’t ready to start her own business yet. And so they did. Asami found her almost dream job (short of running her own company), and Korra found an acceptable job with the corporate offices at a big name outdoors store. The biggest bonus was that they were now much closer to Korra’s parents who visited them every few months.

  

…

 A couple of years after graduation, things had shifted. Asami found that she hated her job. It was intellectually stimulating, but she hated feeling like she would never be good enough. She’d started self-defense classes to help with feeling powerless all of the time. It definitely made her more confident and at ease in her body, but it didn’t help with the job situation, and she started having nightly nightmares again. They didn’t consume her. By now she was pretty good at calming herself down. Asami’d learned that skill during her time at MIT. She could remind herself that she was safe and not out of control, even if she might feel that way. But that didn’t mean she wanted to live in the constant state of _having_ to calm herself down. 

So she quit her job. And Korra quit her job. And they pooled their money and started an outdoors store. Asami had said, “I’m not sure about my dream anymore, but you are about yours. So let’s go for it.” And that’s what they did. It was fucking hard at times because they had to go a couple of years without a profit, but they were prepared. They had enough to get by, and Asami started an IT business to keep them from feeling like they were drowning. 

And good lord. It took off. It took off so fast. Within two months she had to hire an employee to help her. And then another. And then a whole staff. Because she didn’t just fix their computers. She rebuilt them with her own operating system. Korra’s business started going well, too, but her success was overshadowed by Asami’s business that kept her scrambling to keep up. By the time Korra proposed two years later, Asami was one of the richest people in the country. She’d invented her own computer and operating system. Just as she’d said all those years ago, she didn’t screw over the customers or her employees. She finally had the control she sought. And she loved it. And was good at it. And Korra knew she would never abuse it because Asami knew what it was like to be on the other end.

  

…

Of course, not everything was that simple or entirely successful. Asami never quite resolved her relationship with Hiroshi. She couldn’t cut him out of her life altogether, but neither could she fully forgive him. So they saw each other on holidays, but never alone. Korra was always with them, and they always met in a public space. It was better for everyone. Hiroshi eventually even got over his hatred of their relationship. Sometimes he tended toward controlling, but neither Korra nor Asami put up with it. They would cut the visit short. Mostly, though, he was just sad. He’d lost his wife and his daughter and bitterly regretted the way his life had gone. 

Korra felt for him, but she resolutely sided with Asami’s decision to not forgive him. At least not to the point of trust. How could she? Every time they had lunch or dinner with him, Asami grew quiet and serious for the next week or so. Asami could never forget the abuse, and she shouldn’t have to. Certainly keeping Hiroshi in their lives added an element of complication to their lives, but Asami felt it was better than the alternative, so Korra dealt with it. 

 

…

On the night Korra proposed, they were lying in their couch in their top floor apartment with windows that overlooked Seattle. It wasn’t planned. At least not really. She had a ring and stuff, but she wasn’t sure about the whole proposing thing. They’d been together for eight or so years, and Asami had always been reluctant to the idea of marriage. Korra understood it stemmed from her fears of abuse, but she also craved the permanency of marriage, so she’d been thinking of ways to get Asami used to the idea. 

They were re-watching the episode of “The Office” where Jim and Pam discuss when they first knew they were attracted to the other. “Hey,” Korra said, jostling her feet in Asami’s lap. Asami was lounged on the L part of their sofa. 

“Hmmm?” Asami asked, tearing her eyes from the screen to look at Korra. 

“Do you remember the first time we met and I told you you were taller than I expected?” Asami nodded, giving Korra a curious look. “That’s when I knew. You were so gorgeous that I said something stupid. But you didn’t hate me for it, though you did look really confused. I knew then.” 

Asami got a slow smile across her face. “I knew a couple of months later when you crawled under my bed with me when I was dissociating. It was…you made it easier for me to breathe. I knew then that I could trust you, and I so badly needed it in that moment.” 

“You win.” Korra spun around on the couch and put her head in Asami’s lap instead. “What do you think of me now that we’re old and boring?” 

Asami shrugged as she ran her hands through Korra’s hair. It was longer now, past her shoulders. “I don’t know. I’m proud of you for all the people you’ve gotten back on their feet by giving them jobs at your store and second chances when they mess up. And I love how you cook dinner for me when I have to work late. You’re just as thoughtful as you’ve always been and I love you for it. I just…you’re…my best friend. I can’t imagine my life without you because I can’t really remember what life was like before you.” Korra turned her head and kissed Asami’s stomach. “What do you think about me now?” 

“You’re super badass.” Korra said immediately. “I think you’re so strong. I mean, you were back then, too, but now everyone can see it. Mostly you. I’m proud of you for breaking the cycle of abuse you were so afraid of. And even though it’s been eight years, I’m still really proud of you for giving me a chance. I’d say I think it’s awesome that you finally have your company, but to be honest, I never doubted it. Even when you gave it up to help me with my dream. And somehow I’m making this all about me. I guess that’s because you’re so much a part of me. But…just you…you’ve grown up to be more than I’ve ever hoped. You’re beautiful and kind and you don’t have to be. Because I can see the anger you hide when someone upsets you. I know it’s there, but you fight it back because you don’t want to be your dad. I love you for it. And for a million reasons, but that’s the one that reminds me just how good you are.” Korra paused and took a deep breath, taking care to meet Asami’s eyes. “I love you so much, and our lives are so great. I just…I wish you’d marry me.” 

Asami leaned her head back against the couch, her fingers stilling in Korra’s hair. After what felt like an eternity, she said, “I would, you know.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

  

…

Their wedding was small. Asami still hated crowds and being the center of attention, so they kept it to their very closest friends and family: Korra’s parents, Tenzin and his family, Kai and Kate, Opal and Bo, Mako and his wife, and a few others. They hadn’t invited Hiroshi. They didn’t want their day to be tainted by him. It was better this way. 

That night, after Asami was asleep in their bed, Korra thought back to that morning. They’d made it? How could they not? It hadn’t been easy, but their relationship was something they always worked on. No matter what happened, they stuck with each other. The marriage certificate was nice, but it didn’t really change the fact that they would always stick with each other. Because that was love and it was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I'm still not totally happy with it, but it is what it is. Thanks so much for all of the support you guys have given me during this story! All of the love in the world to each of you.
> 
> I'm probably going to make a Google Doc for the story I mentioned in my note for last chapter. If you're interested in being part of it, send me your email address (feel free to make an anonymous account if you're more comfortable with that) on Tumblr or FF.net. My Tumblr is balagantamim.


End file.
